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Whether it was due to my excitement over being with Ben, the fantastic concert, or the residual weed in my system, I didn’t know. I tossed and turned, my mind filled with swirling thoughts and memories, the way Ben felt in my arms, the way he leaned in and kissed me. Me, Leo Brinkley—class clown, life of the party, eternally forty pounds overweight.
Had anyone ever looked at me like that, pure hunger in his sparkling eyes?
I might have been Leo the lion, but Ben made me feel like prey, being watched and hunted and it felt fucking amazing.
The best part of all of this—aside from the giddy feelings of being wanted—was the delight in learning new aspects of my best friend. I had no idea Ben was so romantic, and it was such a kick being the recipient of his thoughtful gestures.
I fell asleep reliving those kisses on my front porch and wondering what our next date might bring.
It wasn’t until the morning sun hit me square in the face that I rolled over in bed and silenced the buzzing of my phone, a message from my dad, checking in. I answered the message and then made my way to the sofa, flopping down for a hedonistic morning nap.
An hour later, Maya breezed through the front door in her yoga gear, her skin glowing with the sweat of a hard-earned workout, her ponytail bobbing behind her. She carried in her hands a pink cardboard box, the logo of our favorite donut shop emblazoned on top. “Donuts!” Maya announced, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “My treat!” she said, dropping the box off on the living room table in front of me. “But I want details and I want them now.”
I glanced at the box and frowned. The sight of those fluffy rings of sugar, once a comfort, now felt like a silent accusation. Maya opened the box and pulled out a chocolate glazed donut, then dropped into an armchair.
But the smile on my face faded as I looked down at my body, my fingers tracing the contours of my stomach through my thin cotton shirt. The softness beneath my touch was a stark reminder of the difference between me and Ben—and all of Ben’s previous boyfriends. “I probably shouldn’t have any donuts.”
Maya watched my face for a long moment. “That’s okay.” She closed the box top. “They’ll be in the kitchen if you want any later.” A look of concern replaced Maya’s playful demeanor. “Everything go okay last night?”
I broke out into a smile. “The date was great. We saw Whiskey River Revival and had a great time.” I told her about the Uber and the weed and that we’d spent the whole time with my arms around him, singing my favorite songs. “He could not have planned a better night if he tried.”
She relaxed in her chair, seeing my excitement. “Oh, that’s good. Did you invite him inside for an after show?” she asked, waggling her eyebrows.
Ha. “No—I don’t think either of us is ready to take that leap yet.” Everything would change once we started shedding clothes and touching each other. “But next weekend, it might happen.”
Then it hit me again, that strange panic.
Ben had seen me shirtless dozens of times. We’d been naked around each other a few times over the years, and even knowing how hard Ben worked to keep his body in shape, I never felt as much of a fat slob around him as I had since we’d started dating.
Maya noticed immediately. “Are you ready for that?”
“Yeah. I mean, I want it. I want to.” But I shrugged and shook my head. “I’m not... I’m not really happy with my body right now.” The words felt like a confession, like something I should have been ashamed of all along. “I mean, Ben hits the gym every day, and I’m... I’m just not there, you know?”
Maya nodded. “Sounds like you want to change that. You know, I can bring a guest with me to the gym if you ever want to check it out.”
“I’d like that. I’m not getting any younger, and it’s not like I’m going to wake up one day and be in great shape.”
Maya shared some information about her gym and the membership plan, and I nodded along. This was something that I needed to work on, getting in better shape.
But Maya’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Leo, you should do this for you, not because you think Ben wants you to,” she said, her voice gentle but firm. “Has he said anything to you?”
“God, no. He’s—” I laughed, remembering how Ben’s hands slid around my body possessively. “He hasn’t said anything.” The mention of Ben brought back my insecurities. We had plans for the upcoming weekend—a camping trip, just the two of us, isolated from the world. The thought of being alone with Ben, of the intimacy that might entail, sent another wave of panic through me. “But I just don’t feel... sexy enough for him.” I swallowed, glad that I had Maya to talk to about this, but it didn’t stop me from feeling embarrassed.
Maya leaned back in her chair. “And your ex,” she began, her voice steady and reassuring. “Did you feel this way with her, too?”
My gaze focused on the pink donut box. I remembered Leigh, my ex-girlfriend, a vibrant, voluptuous woman who loved me unconditionally. But our shared lack of discipline when it came to our health hadn’t helped either of us. “Yeah, kinda. But she was... we were both out of shape, so it didn’t feel quite as uncomfortable.”
I sighed. Every time I thought about being physically exposed to Ben, a pang of unease would flutter inside. My self-critical eyes only saw the softness of my belly, the absence of defined muscles, and I feared Ben’s eyes might see the same.
Maya watched me for a moment, her lips pursed in thought. “Leo,” she spoke, her voice steady and reassuring. “If Ben ever makes you feel inadequate about your body, it’s better you know now before you get in too deep. You deserve to be loved as you are. You know that, right?”
“I know. And Ben’s never said a word to me about this,” I said, touching the roll on my gut. “I don’t think he ever would. But I want to be healthier for him.”
“That’s absolutely something we can work on. I’ll take you to yoga next time I go.”
Our conversation then took a turn, delving into the more intimate aspects of my relationship with Ben. Maya sat cross-legged in front of me and peppered me with questions about our dates and what was coming next.
Was I ready for the physicality of it all? Had we discussed what we wanted sexually out of our relationship? “Is Ben a top or a bottom?” Maya asked, her cheeks a rosy pink as she giggled. “Do you know?”
