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The thought made my stomach flutter with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. The idea of progressing to the next stage of our relationship was both exciting and nerve-wracking. “He’s a top, I’m pretty sure.”
“I see,” Maya began. “And how do you feel about this? Are you interested in bottoming for him, or are you taking it slow as far as anal sex goes?”
All good questions, and ones that I had asked myself as our relationship developed. Those intense, predatory glances that Ben threw my way now just added to that potent allure, the idea of being taken by him, claimed by him. “I’m down to try it, see what all the fuss is about.” There was a teasing tone in my words, but truth too. Being close to Ben, being intimate with Ben was the next step in our relationship, and one I was ready for. “And I’ve been doing some... uh... research.” My eyes twinkled with mischief as I described some of the gay porn that I’d been watching lately.
Maya’s reaction was immediate. “Leo! You know porn isn’t real.” She rolled her eyes playfully at me, but genuine concern was evident in her voice. “You need to read up about being safe and clean, and, fuck, I don’t know. Does Ben use any toys or stuff like that? Does he like any kinky stuff?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted sheepishly. “But seriously, Maya, I’m not expecting him to come at me with some monster dildo the first time we do it. However, now that you ask, I am curious about your thoughts on blow jobs, and how to do them right.”
Maya sighed but couldn’t help but chuckle at my comment. “Well, that’s good to hear. But you should still educate yourself and make sure both of you are playing it safe.” She then turned to me with a mischievous grin. “And as for blow jobs... well, let’s just say practice makes perfect.”
I raised an eyebrow playfully. “Oh really? You’re going to give me some tips?”
Maya’s laughter echoed in the living room, lightening the mood. But even as we laughed, the weight of my insecurities lingered, quietly lurking beneath the surface. My emotions were a whirlwind, excitement and curiosity were certainly among them.
This was a new frontier in my life, a chapter I was eager yet nervous to begin.
However, my inexperience loomed large in my mind. My heart pounded a bit harder when I considered the logistics, the mechanics of gay sex. Maya was right. Pornhub and Men.com were not going to give me all the answers, but it did provide a glimpse into what might be expected from me.
The thought of being inadequate, of not meeting Ben’s expectations—that worried me more than anything else. I wanted to please him, to make him happy in every way. Would I measure up, both physically and in terms of my own sexual prowess, to what Ben wanted or expected?
All his past boyfriends had probably known what to do to please a man.
As I sat there with Maya, discussing these intimate details, a sense of comfort washed over me. Maya touched my arm. “Communication is key, you know. You should really talk to Ben about your thoughts and fears.” I nodded, taking in her words of wisdom. “And remember,” she continued, “you deserve to be loved just as you are.”
Her words resonated with me, offering a newfound perspective on self-acceptance and love.
Maya’s reassurance inspired me, with a renewed determination, to work on myself, to become healthier for my sake and well-being.
As for the sexual aspect of my relationship with Ben—well, that would be a learning experience for both of us.
eleven
Ben
As I packed the last of our camping gear into the trunk of my SUV, a familiar thrill coursed through me. This camping trip, an annual tradition born during our college days, had always been a highlight in our friendship. It made me smile thinking about how Leo and I first bonded back in that Introduction to Astronomy course, when this tall kid turned to me with panic in his eyes and asked for help with the math part of the homework. From there, our shared fascination with the stars led to late-night study sessions and star watching and after that class ended, we stayed close, and our friendship remained strong.
Now, glancing at Leo sitting beside me in the front seat, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. “Do we need to stop off for anything?” I asked, breaking the comfortable silence between us.
Leo glanced at the backseat and then back at me. “I don’t think so. Fishing poles, cooler, tent, bag of snacks. We always over pack anyway,” he said with a nervous grin.
“That’s true.” He feels it too. This trip might change everything between us, and as much as I looked forward to taking that next step, this lingering question swam through my head.
What if it didn’t work?
I caught Leo’s eyes for a brief moment. He nodded in agreement, as if we both silently decided to set aside any romantic possibilities and just enjoy the comfort of our friendship for a few hours.
Pulling my SUV out onto the road, we headed out and before long, we left town behind us.
As we drove east, the time seemed to fly by. We chatted about anything and everything, punctuated by comfortable silences. The landscape shifted from the bustling city to a serene rural setting, and a wave of tranquility washed over me.
This was our getaway, our escape from the noise and busyness of everyday life.
The spot of land where we camped belonged to a friend of the Brinkleys, and over the years, Leo and I had scouted the perfect camping spot. It was close to a river bend with a grove of trees that provided shade during the day. As we pulled onto the dirt road that led us there, excitement fluttered in my chest.
This would be a quick trip, just overnight. I was behind on my current project and really should be working all weekend. But the Perseid meteor shower waited for no man, so that meant one night with the stars, then a busy Sunday afternoon and probably some late nights next week.
But that was tomorrow’s problem.
