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"She stormed off that night. I thought I'd give her way a try. I was angry. I borrowed her clothes, her makeup, did everything I could to look like her. Which wasn't that hard when we had the same hair. I went to a bar intending to get drunk. That’s when I ran intoBen."
Lily wraps her arms around herself, absorbed in my words. “You guys were friendsalready."
“Not really. We'd hung out a few times, and I liked spending time with him." My lips curve at the memory. "He was smart and had this unapologetic 'I'm going to take over the world' thing I envied. But Vi had a crush on him, which meant I stayed away. As far as I knew, she’d never made any progress though, so I didn’t expect him to notice me. But he spotted me that night, came right over. I didn't know he thought I was her. I didn't know until we were in his cartogether."
The next breath is hard, made harder by the look of dread on Lily'sface.
"I didn't know until he said her name instead ofmine."
Her hand goes to hermouth.
The shock is all hers, but the ache, the hurt and rejection andhollowness...
It’s mine. I feel it as if it’sfresh.
"Vi left after that. Her things were gone by the end of the weekend, and I came home to a dorm room half clearedout.
“I avoided Ben at first, because I was hurt and embarrassed. But it wasn’t his fault. Not really. I’d wanted to be her. But our friends still hung out. We started hanging out more, and he was just… Ben.” My chest squeezes. “It felt like we kept running into eachother.”
"So you never toldhim."
“No.” The same guilt from the other night twists at my stomach. “He asked me once if I’d heard from her, and I told him an unsigned postcard from Paris. He shut down the moment I said the words. He must’ve liked her, Lil. There’s no other reason for him to ask about her. It had been months. I just couldn’t tell him. After everything that’d happened… I didn’t want him to leave metoo.”
Vi would’ve laughed if she’d known—as least if she wasn’t jealous that I’d gotten Ben when she had made it clear she was intohim.
But in the end, like every other guy in my life to that point, he would’ve rather had her than me. If I thought he was different, that somehow he wanted me when he didn’t want her… I waswrong.
And that had fucked me up for longer than I care toadmit.
“I didn’t know,” Lily murmurs, stretching out herarms.
I let her hug me, returning thesqueeze.
“Well. That’s why I don’t want you rushing into anything,” I say into hershoulder.
“In case I sleep with a guy who mistakes me for my twin?” she quips, and Isnort.
“In case you make a mistake you can'tforget.”
She pulls back with a frown. “What happens next? You have feelings forhim.”
“He doesn’t have them for me. At least not in the sameway.”
“You don’t know that,” she argues. “Maybe he just needs evidence he can’tignore.”
The phone on my desk dings, and I go to retrieve it. Lily follows, peering over to glance at the screen as I unlockit.
“The photographer’s pictures from the wedding shoot,” I explain as I pull them up and flipthrough.
They’re good, thank God. Aiden looks like he’s in the moment, as if whatever his bride said to him finally sankin.
I need this to work out. There are still hurdles, but this means I’m still in thegame.
I swipe and one of me and Ben popsup.
“Whoa.” Lily swipes the phone from myhand.
“Lil, what are youdoing?”
