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“And?” It’s amazing I can vocalize right now given what she’s tellingme.
“A hundred bucks. I thought it was important.” Her face scrunches up, and I don’t know whether to laugh orcry.
“But hedidn’t…”
“No, he left. We were going to reschedule.” Lily crosses to my floating bookshelf and traces a finger along the spines of the marketingtitles.
“Don’treschedule.”
“You realize I’m twenty. Everyone else has already hadsex.”
“Just like there’s no one time to start working or get married or have kids, there’s no one time to have sex.” I set the cupcake on the corner of my desk and fold myarms.
“Why. Did your first time mess you up?” Lil asks, heading back to the middle of mycarpet.
Vi and I used to talk about everything, but because Lil is so much younger, we never had that kind of relationship. But the way she’s looking at me, as if it’s more than a smartass question, has mereconsidering.
I can tell her, or keep her in thedark.
I’ve always tried to protect my little sister, not wanting her to be exposed to the world in case she leaves like Vidid.
But I don’t want to keep this secretanymore.
“Not my first time. But one time, yes. Sex can be important,” I admit, and her eyes brighten. “It can changeeverything.”
“You mean like sex with Ben.” She jumps on it, and Isigh.
“Yes. Like sex withBen.”
The entire way back from the Vineyard, it was all I could think about, even with him next tome.
I’m stillshivering.
Lily’s eyes are bright with excitement as she runs forward, grabbing my arms. “This is amazing. You realizethat.”
Her enthusiasm has me biting my cheek. “It’s complicated, because this weekend wasn’t the first time Ben and I slepttogether."
My sister shakes her head in confusion. “Wait. What the hell are you talkingabout?”
"Ben and I slept together once in college. Only…he didn't know it wasme."
I don’t know if I expected hearing the words aloud would set me free. If I did, it doesn’t happen. But Lily was honest with me. I'm going to be honest withher.
Her disbelief is nothing compared to the feelings that rise up, the ones I always try to shovedown.
“How much did I tell you about when Vileft?”
“Notmuch.”
I sink into the couch at one end of my office, and Lil drops to the edge of the chair facingit.
"Even though we were different, we’d always gotten along when it mattered. We were both excited about school—I thought for the same reasons. I wanted to be independent, make my own way. But in college, she was an attention-seeking missile.” I remember her with boys, at parties, even with professors. It was as if she could flirt her way to As. “I called her out on it one night during finals. She was going to a party instead of studying the night before her biggest exam. I said she wasn’t being herself and no one would see her for who she was. She told me thatwaswho shewas.”
She’d also said some choice things about me—that I was envious and couldn’t possibly understand how important fitting inwas.
My throat tightens as I continue. “She accused me of judging her for the fact that she'd rather party than study. Which I suppose I was, but at the time, it only made sense. Why would you pay tuition to go to school when you didn’t even care about the education? She told me she’d wanted to travel, to meet people and find herself, and she could find work anywhere along the way, but she’d gone to Columbia because I wanted to and I couldn’t do it withouther.
“I said that was bullshit. But she said I couldn’t possibly know what it was like to be her because I didn’t know her. That it wasn’t what she wore or how she acted that made us different. That we were fundamentally growing apart. I hated that thought," Iadmit.
