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Chapter Twenty-four
Blue
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I’m sure I’m not thefirst woman in the world to lay on an exam table in the middle of an ultrasound sobbing like a lunatic, but by the way the technician keeps looking at me, I’m guessing it’s not something she’s seen before.
She keeps glancing at me like she’s not sure if she should console me or ignore the fact that I’m utterly falling apart. I can’t blame the poor lady, I probably wouldn’t know what to do either.
They started off by doing a normal ultrasound, but after several minutes they determined I wasn’t far enough along and decided to do one internally instead. So, not only am I a blubbering mess, but I’ve also got a long wand shoved inside me. Which, let me tell you, is all kinds of fun.
I don’t look at the ultrasound screen. Truthfully, I’m afraid to look. Seeing it will make it real and right now I don’t know if I can handle that.
“I think we’re finished here.” The tech removes the wand and helps me into a sitting position. “The doctor will take a look at everything and be in to talk to you shortly. You can get dressed while you wait.” She tugs the curtain across the door as she exits.
I muster a “thank you” before she disappears into the hallway, wiping my face as I attempt to pull my crap together.
Once I’m dressed, I sit on the edge of the exam table, my mind racing a hundred miles a minute. I feel like I’m spiraling in all directions and I don’t know what I can do to turn myself upright again.
When Dr. Palmer enters the room, I’m relieved that the wait is over, but I’m also extremely nervous about what she’s about to say.
She’s been my OB/GYN for nearly a decade and the one thing I love the most about her is that she never sugarcoats the issues, always being direct and to the point. So, when she takes a seat and doesn’t meet my gaze right away, I know something isn’t right.
“I reviewed the ultrasound,” she starts, her attention on the iPad in her hands. “We checked and then checked again but we weren’t able to find any signs of pregnancy.”
“What?” My heart jumps into my throat.
“You’re not pregnant.” She finally meets my gaze.
“I’m not pregnant?” I question slowly, needing to make sure I’m understanding her perfectly before I get my hopes up.
“The test at the hospital must have given a false positive. It’s not something that happens a lot but it does happen. I ran the urine sample you gave when you arrived, and the test came back negative. That, coupled with the ultrasound, we can definitively rule out pregnancy.”
I don’t know whether I want to laugh or start crying again.
“You’re sure?”
“A hundred percent, yes.”
This is what I wanted. What I prayed for. I’m not pregnant. I should feel like dancing in the streets but for some reason I don’t. Instead I feel... disappointed?
The feeling doesn’t sit right with me, no doubt a product of the trying day I’ve had. So I push it down deep and choose to ignore it. Something it would seem I’m getting really good at.
I’m on the phone with Hannah before I even reach the parking lot. I need to get drunk and cry and there’s only one person I want to do it with.
She answers on the second ring.
“What are you doing right now?” I ask without saying hello.
“Um, working. What are you doing?”
“You’re not off yet?” I ask, pulling my phone back to glance at the time. Four-thirty. Crap.
“I’m wrapping up now. I’ll be heading out soon. Why, what’s up?”
“I’m in need of a drinking buddy for the evening. What do you say? You, me, a bottle of tequila?”
“Uh oh. What happened?” I hear the concern in her voice. Hannah knows me well and she knows I only drink hard liquor when something bad has happened.
