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Chapter Thirty-Seven
My head was spinning.
I was at Geli’s and had just put Leo to bed. When we’d left, Lorenzo had run after us and said there must have been some kind of mistake. He asked me to come back so we could discuss it, but as far as I was concerned, there was no confusion. I told him that whilst his mother was there, I would not be stepping foot inside that house again. After a few attempts, eventually he left.
Even though it had happened a couple of hours ago, I was still fuming.
‘Here you go.’ Geli passed me a large G&T.
‘Thanks.’ I knocked it back, then slammed the glass on the table. ‘I still can’t believe he defended her. He should have stood up to Marta. Instead he just wants to make excuses for her.’
‘You should not be surprised. That is Italian men. Mamma will always come first. If you cannot accept that, then you cannot be with him.’
The thought of being without Lorenzo made me sick to the stomach, but this was serious. Whilst Geli was in the kitchen, I’d looked it up on the internet again to make sure I wasn’t overreacting or being overly paranoid and I was right: what Marta had done really was dangerous.
According to the experts, HIV could be transmitted through breast milk. There was also a small possibility of Leo catching hepatitis and the chance he could get yeast or bacterial infections or viruses like herpes. It was nothing to be sniffed at. Every article I scrolled through stated that unless you had their complete medical history, it would be too risky to let your baby drink another woman’s milk. And I was pretty sure Marta hadn’t shipped Claudia off to the doctor’s to get her checked out first.
‘I really don’t want it to come to that, because I love him so much and he’s a great father, but unless he tells Marta she was wrong and asks her to leave, I can’t see a way past this.’ My stomach knotted up. ‘I know it might seem bad me asking him to choose, but she showed zero remorse. And if we let something like this go, we’ll be sending her the wrong message. Telling Marta she can do whatever she wants, go against our wishes on how we want to bring up our son and it’ll be okay. That’ll be condoning her actions. Giving her complete control. And if she can do something like this, what on earth would she do next?’
‘You are right. I knew when I saw her with Claudia that something was wrong. I am just glad that you found out what was happening.’
‘Thanks to you.’ I gave Geli’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. I was so grateful to have her as a friend right now for so many reasons. For telling me about seeing Marta and for taking Leo and I in tonight. There was no way I could have stayed in that house and it wasn’t like there was a nearby hotel we could have gone to.
‘I wish I’d found out sooner,’ I sighed. ‘So stupid.I should never have let Marta take over feeding Leo. But I was trying to be less rigid and more accepting of her. I knew she enjoyed it. And yeah, I admit, as much as I loved feeding him too, selfishly I was glad to have her help out so that I could get work done and get some extra sleep. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have been a good mum and looked after him properly myself.’
‘Trusting the grandmother to feed your son so you can do other things does not make you a bad mother. You have had many things to manage recently. It is natural that you ask for help whilst you finalise this deal. You are doing it so that you can make a better life for Leo and be more present in his life. And raising a child is tiring. I do not know one mother who would not take the opportunity to have more sleep if it was given to them. You did not know she would do something like this.’
‘True, but I just feel so guilty. Anyway, I need to focus. Now I know what she’s done, I have to deal with it. My first priority is to get Leo checked out fully.’
‘Yes. Would you like me to come with you so I can translate anything you don’t understand?’
‘That would be great. Thanks, Geli. I hope to God he’s okay.’
We’d just come back from the doctor’s. As I’d suspected, we’d have to wait for the results, which would be agonising. I didn’t have much confidence in the doctor, to be honest. It was almost as if he thought I was wasting his time.
I wasn’t happy to just leave it like this. I’d prefer it if my own doctor checked him out. That would mean returning to London, so I’d booked the first available flight, which was leaving Pisa airport tomorrow evening.
Lorenzo would hardly be able to complain about me taking Leo away again, seeing as his mother was the reason I had to take this drastic action in the first place. In fact, given the situation, maybe it wasn’t a bad idea for us to have time apart. Perhaps some space would give him the chance to think about what had happened properly and reconsider his choice.
It would also give me an opportunity to really consider the future. This was bigger than the whole situation with Marta. Even if Lorenzo did come to his senses and ask her to leave, I had to be honest with myself. I didn’t see myself in this town. I’d tried. I genuinely felt like I’d done everything I could to assimilate. I’d been learning the language, which was going well and I’d attempted to fit in, but it just didn’t feel right.
I thought about it and I think some of the reasons I’d liked the town when I’d first visited were actually why it didn’t float my boat now. Initially I’d thought it was good that it was off the beaten track, peaceful and not too touristy. But whilst the quietness might be okay for a few weeks, it was too much for any longer than that. It might be an okay place to live if I was retired, but I wasn’t ready to kick up my feet completely yet. And I knew there were other places in Italy that were more vibrant and had a more diverse range of people who were moreme.
Saying that, I also had to consider whether Italy was even where I truly wanted to be. I missed my family and friends. Why put myself through the hardship of starting over again when I didn’t have to? I still had my house in London and there was a lot more space there. I’d thought about selling or renting it so many times, but something told me to keep hold of it. Maybe I knew that a day like this would come and I might need it. If I moved back, everything would be familiar. The language, the people. Life would be so much easier.
And then there was my career. Once the deal went through, I’d need to keep myself available for three months, but what then? As well as looking after Leo, I knew I wanted to work, but ideally not full-time, and after burning out with the agency before, nothing with too much pressure or responsibility. So wherever I lived needed to also enable me to have some sort of career.
I had a lot to think about. Lots of decisions to make. Something told me it wasn’t going to be easy…
