Page 9 of Certified to Handle You 3

Her voice cracked, and I looked away from the phone like that was gon’ make hearin’ her cry any easier.

“I just don’t want you thinkin’ I ain’t care,” she continued. “I care too fuckin’ much, and that’s the problem. I been tryna convince myself for months that I could just go back to my life and eventually everything with you would stop hurtin’. It ain’t.”

I lowered my head…

Sha’Nelle started cryin’ harder, and I heard her try to pull herself together before she spoke again.

“I know what I said yes to, and I know how fucked up this probably sound comin’ to you now. I just needed you to know that I ain’t forget you. I ain’t wake up one mornin’ and stop feelin’ everything I felt for you. It’s just… ugh…”

A tear fell from my eye and landed against my hand. I wiped that muthafucka away, but another one followed before I could even get mad about the first.

Sha’Nelle sniffed through the speaker, and I could hear her tryna talk around her cryin’.

“I miss you,” she whispered. “I miss yo’ stupid ass so fuckin’ much, and I hate that I do ‘cause you get on my damn nerves. I hate how you think you can make every decision for me. I hate how you do crazy shit and then look at me like I’m the one overreactin’. I hate that you always know when I’m finna give in to you before I even know it myself.”

A broken lil’ sound came through the phone before she continued.

“But I miss you. I miss laughin’ with you, smokin’ with you and layin’ up with you. I miss you talkin’ shit all day and botherin’ me just ‘cause you know you can. I miss rubbin’ that beard and tellin’ you to get out my face while I’m pullin’ you closer at the same damn time. I miss bein’ with you, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that shit now.”

My eyes closed. I couldn’t fuckin’ take it.

I put my head down and squeezed the bridge of my nose while tears rolled down my face. My eyes already felt swollen from everything earlier, and now Sha’Nelle was somewhere cryin’ on my voicemail tellin’ me she missed me after I finally made myself accept that she belonged to somebody else.

Her voice came through again.

“I’m sorry, Renza. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I swear I ain’t never wanted to hurt you, and maybe I should’ve left you alone a long time ago instead of keepin’ us stuck in this shit. I don’t know. I don’t know nothin’ right now.”

She cried, and I sat here listenin’ ‘cause I couldn’t make myself stop the message.

“I love you,” she finally whispered. “I know I probably ain’t got no business sayin’ that to you now, but I do. I love you, and I’m sorry.”

The voicemail ended. I sat there with my head down and the phone in my hand while everything inside me hurt.

“Fuck,” I whispered.

I rubbed my palms over my face and tried to pull myself together, but hearin’ Sha’Nelle cry had fucked up whatever strength I thought I had left. I hated knowin’ she was hurt. That was the part of me she always had access to no matter how pissed off I was. I could be ready to tear the whole fuckin’ world apart, but if Sha’Nelle cried ‘cause she was genuinely hurt, every instinct in me wanted to get to her.

Tonight, I couldn’t do that…

I couldn’t save her from somethin’ I was barely survivin’ myself.

I picked the phone back up and stared at the three messages. My finger moved over the first one before I deleted it. Then I deleted the second. When I got to the third, I stopped. Her last words was still in my head.

I love you…

My chest hurt so fuckin’ bad that I wanted to call her and tell her I loved her too. I wanted to ask what the fuck she was doin’ marryin’ somebody else if she was sittin’ somewhere cryin’ over me. I wanted to tell her to take that ring off, pack her shit and come home. Hell, she ain’t even have to pack shit. I could replace every damn thing she owned by tomorrow.

That was exactly why I couldn’t call…

Me and Sha’Nelle had spent too much time lettin’ love be an excuse to keep hurtin’ each other. Every time one of us tried to walk away, the other one reached back. Then we would end up right where we started ‘cause neither one of us knew how to leave the other alone long enough to figure out what the fuck we was really doin’.

She had made a choice…

Maybe it was the wrong one. Maybe one day she would realize that shit and regret it. I ain’t know, but I couldn’t keep buildin’ my life around what Sha’Nelle might do one day.

I pressed delete on the last voicemail. The screen changed, and just like that, her voice was gone.

I stared at the empty section where those messages had been before anger rushed through me so fast that I ain’t even think. I grabbed my phone and threw that bitch across the room. It hit the wall hard enough to crack before droppin’ to the floor.