Page 10 of Certified to Handle You 3

“Fuck this shit!” I yelled.

I sat here with my chest movin’ hard while I stared at the phone on the floor. A crack ran across the screen, but I ain’t give a fuck. I could buy another phone. I could buy a hundred of them bitches if I wanted to. What I couldn’t buy was a way to stop lovin’ Sha’Nelle.

I laid back against the pillows and covered my eyes with my forearm. My body was exhausted, but my mind kept draggin’ me through every word she left behind.

She missed me… She loved me…. And she was still engaged to another nigga.

That was enough to make any man lose his fuckin’ mind, and I already knew mine wasn’t built to play around with Sha’Nelle much longer.

As bad as I wanted her, I couldn’t fuck with that woman right now. I couldn’t answer her calls, listen to her cry and keep lettin’ myself believe love was enough to fix every fucked up thing between us. If she chose that nigga, I had to let her live with that choice without standin’ in the middle of it.

I closed my eyes and pulled the cover over myself even though I still ain’t believe sleep was comin’ no time soon. My face felt tight from dried tears, and my eyes burned every time I closed ‘em. I ain’t wipe the last of that shit away ‘cause nobody was in this room but me.

For once, I wasn’t gon’ chase Sha’Nelle…

I wasn’t gon’ pop up in Greystone, scare that nigga again, drag her back to Trill-Land or force her to admit somethin’ she needed to figure out for herself. I wasn’t gon’ call her from another number after blockin’ her, and I wasn’t gon’ keep those voicemails around so I could torture myself whenever I missed her.

I loved that woman enough to know exactly how dangerous she was to me now.

If I heard her voice again, I might fold. If I saw her cry, I might go get her. If she looked me in my face and told me she loved me, I ain’t know if there was enough sense in my body to remember that another nigga had put a ring on her finger and she had accepted it.

That was why I had to leave her alone.

Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate

I just left my cousin and I was feelin’ some type of way about what I had to sit and watch that nigga go through.

I had seen Renza mad as hell before. I seen that nigga get active behind less, so watchin’ him sit there hurt instead of crashin’ out had me feelin’ some type of way. I seen him laugh while doin’ shit that would make another nigga lose sleep. That was my cousin. That was who he had always been. He could carry pain so quiet that you would think it never touched him, and most of the time, if he was hurt, he turned that shit into anger before anybody got a chance to see it for what it really was.

Tonight wasn’t that…Tonight, I watched my cousin sit in his truck with his head low and his heart full of some shit he ain’t know what to do with. I watched him try to hold his shit together, but the pain came out of him anyway, and seein’ real tears fall from Renza face had me fucked up ‘cause that wasn’t somethin’ I was used to.

The last time I remembered seein’ Renza cry, we had to be kids, and even then, he wiped his face quick enough to make you question if you seen that shit right. Renza was always the one ready to stand in front of whatever was comin’. He was always the nigga talkin’ shit, crackin’ jokes, throwin’ money, pullin’ pistols and actin’ like his heart was somewhere nobody could reach. Then Sha’Nelle got in there, and now the same nigga who could look death in the face without blinkin’ was sittin’ in a truck hurt behind a woman who said yes to another nigga.

I kept one hand on the wheel as I drove home, but my mind was still on the side of that road with him. I ain’t even know what had me more fucked up; the fact that I had to tell him or the fact that I knew if I ain’t tell him, somebody else would have.

Toni ain’t understand that part, and maybe she ain’t wanna understand it ‘cause that was her cousin. I got that. Sha’Nelle was family to us too in a way. I loved that girl for real. She had been around long enough to not feel like a guest no more. She had ate in my house, stayed in my house, loved on my baby and was loyal to my wife. She was mouthy as hell, but she had a good heart under all that hard-headed shit. I knew that, but knowin’ she had a good heart ain’t make me rock with what she was doin’.

It was bad enough she had brought that nigga around the family like that was normal. It was fucked up that Renza had to look at her holdin’ another nigga hand and keep from turnin’ a kid party into some murder shit. But after all that, and all them months of fuckin’ with Renza, lovin’ on him, lettin’ him build his mind around her and makin’ that nigga feel like she was comin’ home to him, she still let that other nigga get down on one knee and slide a yes out her mouth. I ain’t give a fuck what nobody said. That shit was nasty work.

I wasn’t mad at Sha’Nelle, and I ain’t hate her. I ain’t want nothin’ bad to happen to her, either. I just wasn’t fuckin’ with the way she was movin’, and I wasn’t about to sit around pretendin’ that shit was cute ‘cause she was Toni cousin.

I ain’t have to think twice about tellin’ my nigga shit ‘cause that was my fuckin’ cousin, and I wasn’t about to sit on no information that could make him look crazy later. Renza was out here lookin’ at big ass houses, carryin’ a ring that cost more than a new whip and plannin’ a whole life around Sha’Nelle while she had already told another nigga yes. I loved Toni, and I loved Sha’Nelle too, but my loyalty wasn’t never gon’ let me watch Renza move blind through some shit that everybody else seemed to know but him.

If that was me and Toni, that nigga would’ve been dead already. There wouldn’t have been no debate, no back and forth and no sittin’ in my whip tryna process shit. I knew myself. I knew the kinda man I was, and I knew the kinda claim I had on my wife. Toni was mine in a way I ain’t never had to explain twice. The fact that Renza had let this shit get this far surprised me ‘cause my cousin wasn’t the type to let some shit like this rock, knowin’ his heart was involved. But Sha’Nelle had him in a place I ain’t recognize, and that was what bothered me. Love had that nigga thinkin’ before actin’, and the thinkin’ was killin’ him worse than any action would have.

Then there was Toni…

I loved my wife more than I had words for, but she had been testin’ me with this shit. The night before, I heard her in the bathroom talkin’ low on FaceTime with Sha’Nelle, and she ain’t think I caught enough to piece it together.

My wife knew better than that. I wasn’t one of them slow niggas she could whisper around and expect me not to put the shit together. She was keepin’ secrets for her cousin, movin’ in the dark, and somehow thinkin’ that just ‘cause her heart was in the right place, I was supposed to accept it. That wasn’t how my household worked.

Toni knew I loved her, but she also knew I ain’t play about trust. She knew I ain’t play about my word, and she knew I ain’t play about family. Still, when it came to Sha’Nelle, she would get emotional and start movin’ like I was supposed to catch up after she already made the choice.

I pulled through my gates and parked, sittin’ in the whip for a minute before I got out. The house was lit up soft, and for a second, I just looked at it. This was my peace. My wife and my baby was in there, and no matter what kind of shit was goin’ on outside them walls, this house was supposed to be where I could breathe. Lately, it felt like Sha’Nelle and Renza bullshit had found a way to stretch itself right into my bedroom, and I ain’t like that.

Me and Toni had been good. We had been lovin’ on each other right, fuckin’ good, eatin’ right, raisin’ our baby while workin’ on another one, talkin’ more and fightin’ less. Now I had a feelin’ my wife was gon’ let her cousin pull her into a storm that ain’t belong to her, and if she did, I already knew I was gon’ have to correct that shit before it got bigger.

I got out my whip, shut the door and walked inside. The mansion was calm, but as soon as I made it upstairs and got close to our room, I heard My’Love laughin’ from the bathroom. That sound hit me right in the chest and softened somethin’ in me for a second. My baby had this laugh that could pull me out my head no matter how deep I was in it. It wasn’t even a regular laugh. It was a wild, loud and happy laugh that made you smile before you even saw what she was laughin’ at.