Page 85 of Certified to Handle You 3

“I’m sorry, Couture.”

I turned my back before the first tear could fall in front of him and walked out of the apartment.

By the time I reached the stairs, my vision was blurry. I wiped at my face and kept movin’ until I got to my car ‘cause I needed to get away from that buildin’ before I broke all the way down.

I started the car and pulled out the complex, then drove until I found an open lot where I could park without somebody watchin’ me lose my shit. The second I put the car in park, everything I had been holdin’ back came out.

I covered my face with both hands and cried so hard my whole body started shakin’. I cried ‘cause I knew I hurt Couture, and I cried ‘cause I had finally let go of somethin’ I had been usin’ to hide from myself.

Once the tears started, Renza was all I could think about. I missed that man so bad it felt like the ache had worked its way into every part of me.

“I miss you,” I whispered, wiping my face. “I miss you so fuckin’ much.”

I leaned back against the seat and closed my eyes. All I could see was him.

Renza lookin’ at me when he was pissed off. Renza laughin’ when I said some smart shit. Renza pullin’ me into him like he ain’t care what I had to say about it. Renza lovin’ me with that same intensity I used to complain about ‘cause I ain’t understand how rare it was to have somebody want you that hard and still see you clearly.

I wanted him. I wanted my man, and that truth ain’t scare me no more.

I wanted Renza to be my husband. I could feel that shit in my spirit in a way I couldn’t explain to nobody else. When I thought about forever, he was the man my mind went to. I could see us standin’ in front of our family with everybody there celebratin’ us, and for once that picture ain’t make me wanna run. It made me cry harder ‘cause I wanted to live long enough to see it happen.

I wanted to have that man’s bad ass kids too.

The thought slipped into my mind while I was cryin’, and I laughed a lil’ through my tears ‘cause I already knew any child Renza made would probably come out with too much attitude. I could picture him holdin’ our baby and actin’ like he wasn’t soft, then turnin’ around and spoilin’ the hell outta them. I could see myself fussin’ about how bad they was while knowin’ damn well I’d love every second of it.

Then I started thinkin’ about the quieter parts.

I wanted to wake up next to Renza without feelin’ like I needed to keep one foot out the door. I wanted to lay under him and let him love me without guilt sittin’ in the room with us. I wanted to make love to that man and not have my mind runnin’ through a list of reasons why I should be scared afterward. I wanted to give him every piece of me I kept pullin’ back whenever shit between us got too real.

That realization made my tears fall harder again, but there was somethin’ different under ‘em this time.

I was done runnin’…

I had spent too much time lettin’ fear make decisions for me. Every time Renza got too close, I found some reason to pull away. Every time he showed me how serious he was, I looked for a door. Then when he finally got tired of standin’ there waitin’ on me, I acted surprised that I lost him.

I wiped my cheeks and looked at myself in the rearview mirror. My eyes was red and my face was wet, but I ain’t care.

The next time I reached for Renza, I was comin’ to him with nothin’ tied to me. I wasn’t wearin’ another man’s ring, and I wasn’t attached to some weddin’ plan I never wanted. There wasn’t gon’ be a fiancé standin’ somewhere in the background while I asked Renza to believe me. It was gon’ be me. Just me. And whatever Renza decided to do with that, I was ready to face it.

I knew he was hurt, and I knew breakin’ up with Couture ain’t erase what I had put him through. Renza ain’t owe me forgiveness just ‘cause I finally stopped lyin’ to myself. He had every right to be mad at me. He could cuss me out, slam a door in my face, tell me he wasn’t ready or make me work for every inch I got near him. I could take that.

What I couldn’t take no more was sittin’ somewhere pretendin’ I ain’t love him.

I pressed my hand against my chest and took a deep breath while the tears slowed down. My body still shook some, but my mind felt clearer than it had in months.

The shit I used to run from was the same shit I was ready to run toward now.

Renza’s love ain’t scare me the way it used to. I wanted all that intensity. I wanted the way he loved hard and demanded honesty when I was more comfortable hidin’ behind bullshit. I wanted his mouth, his attitude, his temper, his softness when he let me see it and every other part of that man that came with lovin’ him.

I wiped under my eyes again and stared out the windshield.

I wasn’t tryna figure out how to get away from Renza like I used to.

I was tryna figure out how the hell I was gon’ get back to him.

Days had passed since I called off the engagement to Couture, and I could finally admit that I felt lighter without that ring on my finger.

The relief ain’t make what I did easy, and it damn sure ain’t mean Couture wasn’t hurt. He had been callin’ and textin’ me since I walked out his apartment, but he wasn’t blowin’ my phone up every five minutes or beggin’ me to change my mind.