Page 86 of Certified to Handle You 3

Couture was confused, and every message sounded like a man tryna go back through the last few months in his head to figure out what the fuck he missed.

One text asked me how long I had been feelin’ different and why I never told him. Another one said he wasn’t tryna pressure me into comin’ back, but he needed to understand how we went from lookin’ at houses together to me givin’ him his ring and key back. He called this mornin’ and left a voicemail I still hadn’t listened to all the way through. I got as far as him sayin’ my name and tellin’ me he wasn’t mad before I cut it off. I couldn’t deal with the pain in his voice when my own head was already fucked up enough.

For days, I fought the urge to call Toni and start askin’ questions, ’cause I ain’t wanna put her in the middle of nothin’ else. I also knew she talked to Kay’Lo, which meant there was always a chance she knew somethin’ about Renza, but I had been doin’ my best not to use that connection every time missin’ him got too hard. I wanted to handle this shit myself, especially now that I had finally cleared everything out my life that ain’t belong here.

By the afternoon, though, I couldn’t keep pretendin’ I wasn’t worried about him. I ain’t need Toni to fix anything for me or convince Renza to talk to me. I just needed to know how he was doin’, and after spendin’ half the day pickin’ up my phone and puttin’ it back down, I finally called her.

We started out for a while talkin’ about regular shit when my mind started driftin’ where it always went. I was laid across my bed with my phone pressed against my ear while Toni moved around on her end, and I kept goin’ back and forth with myself about whether I even wanted to open that door.

Eventually, Toni must’ve noticed how quiet I got ‘cause she asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothin’,” I replied low.

“‘Nelle, you been on the phone with me long enough for me to know somethin’ on yo’ mind.”

I rubbed my hand across my forehead. “I’m tryna mind my business.”

“That sound like it got somethin’ to do with Renza already.”

I let out a breath and stared at the ceilin’. “I been tryna keep from askin’ you anything about Renza, ’cause I don’t wanna put you in the middle of shit.”

“So, what you wanna know?” Toni asked.

I hesitated before finally speakin’.

“I just wanna know if he okay,” I said. “That’s it. I ain’t heard nothin’ from him, and I been tryna leave you alone about it, but I can’t sit here and act like I don’t think about that nigga every damn day.”

“I know you do,” Toni said real soft. “And I know you miss him. I just don’t know how to be there for you with this without feelin’ like I’m betrayin’ ‘Lo. You know how he is when it come to me, bitch.”

I understood what she was sayin’, and I ain’t wanna make it harder on her. “I know, and that’s why I ain’t been callin’ you askin’ shit. I don’t want you feelin’ like you gotta choose between me and your husband. I just wanna know if Renza good.”

Toni got quiet again, and when she finally spoke, there was somethin’ different in her voice, like she was torn between leavin’ this shit alone and supportin’ me ‘cause she knew how I felt about Renza.

“He good as far as I know, but he ain’t been at Pressure’s. He packed some of his shit and left Trill-Land a few days ago.”

I pushed myself up against the headboard as soon as she said it. “What you mean he left Trill-Land?”

“That’s what I been tryna figure out too,” Toni said. “I overheard Kay’Lo talkin’ to him, and from what I heard, Renza just needed to get away for a while and clear his mind.”

“He packed his shit and went where, though?” I asked.

Toni got quiet, and when she ain’t answer right away, I knew there was more she could tell me. I ain’t wanna push her into sayin’ somethin’ she wasn’t comfortable with, especially when I had already tried hard not to drag her into the middle of whatever was left between me and Renza. At the same time, I was gon’ crazy if I ain’t get more information.

“You know where he went?” I asked again.

“I do,” Toni finally said. “But damn, Sha’Nelle. ’Lo told me to stay out this shit.”

“I know he did,” I replied before signin’.

“And I been tryna respect that,” Toni said. “But you sittin’ here hurtin’ over Renza, and I’m supposed to know where that nigga at and not tell you?”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. “Again… this why I ain’t been tryna put you in this position.”

“I know, bitch. I know ain’t doin’ it on purpose.”

Toni went quiet for a second before she continued. “It’s just hard, ’cause I understand ’Lo side too. Renza his cousin, and he protective over him. But you my cousin, and if you tellin’ me you wanna go fight for that nigga, I understand that shit too. I get it too much to act like I don’t.”

“I do wanna fight for the shit. I’m not lettin’ this shit end like this.”