Page 83 of Certified to Handle You 3

I looked down at the box in my hand again. For some reason, leavin’ it here felt worse. Maybe I needed to look at what I had been runnin’ from instead of lockin’ it away every time it hurt.

I walked back to the suitcase and opened one of the inside pockets before slidin’ the ring box inside. I zipped it up and stood here with my hand restin’ on the suitcase for a second.

In a few days, I was leavin’ Trill-Land.

This island had my whole life on it, and right now my heart needed somewhere else to breathe. I wasn’t lookin’ for answers the second the plane landed, and I wasn’t expectin’ a few days away to erase what happened between me and Sha’Nelle. I just needed to get somewhere I could sit with myself long enough to figure out what I really wanted instead of makin’ every decision from a place of hurt.

I closed the suitcase and left it near the closet before sittin’ back on the edge of my bed.

I looked around my room, then down toward the closet.

Maybe gettin’ away wouldn’t fix shit. But I needed to try, ‘cause stayin’ here and actin’ like I was good wasn’t doin’ a damn thing for me either.

Greystone City

It was Saturday mornin’ and I was in bed feelin’ like I had finally reached the part where I couldn’t lie to myself no more.

Renza’s birthday was last week, and that whole fuckin’ day had tore my nerves up worse than I could’ve imagined.

I wanted to call him so bad just to hear his voice and tell him happy birthday, but I ain’t do it. I knew better than to keep reachin’ for him when he had already made it clear he wasn’t gon’ deal with me.

I thought about textin’ Toni and askin’ what he did or whether everybody celebrated him, but I left that alone too. The last time I put Toni in the middle of me and Renza, Kay’Lo went off on both our asses and put me out they house. I wasn’t finna keep draggin’ my cousin into some shit that could start another problem in her marriage just ‘cause I was hurtin’. I loved her too much.

I had been tryna thug it out since then, but I couldn’t keep doin’ that shit either. There was only so long I could act like I was fine before the truth started sittin’ right in my face.

I was tired of wakin’ up thinkin’ about Renza, goin’ through my day thinkin’ about Renza, then layin’ my ass back down at night missin’ him like I ain’t have no sense. I ain’t wanna keep pretendin’ like Couture could somehow fill that space if I just gave it enough time. Time wasn’t doin’ shit except makin’ me more sure that I was with the wrong man.

I was sittin’ against my pillows with Couture’s engagement ring in my hand, lookin’ at it like I had never seen it before. I wasn’t cryin’ or fussin’. I wasn’t even mad. I was just lookin’ at it and finally lettin’ myself think about what this ring really meant.

It meant Couture was still lookin’ at houses and plannin’ a weddin’ with a woman whose heart wasn’t in none of it. It meant his family was movin’ forward with plans while I kept showin’ up and smilin’ like I belonged in them. It meant I had been lettin’ a good man build around a future I already knew I ain’t want.

I closed my fingers around the ring and stared across the room.

Couture deserved somebody who wanted to wake up next to him every mornin’ and mean it. He deserved somebody who got excited when he talked about houses and weddin’ plans instead of somebody sittin’ there thinkin’ about another nigga.

I had been holdin’ on ‘cause I ain’t wanna hurt him, but the longer I kept this shit goin’, the worse I was makin’ it. At some point I had to stop callin’ it kindness when all I was really doin’ fuckin’ this whole situation up.

I pulled the cover back and got out the bed before I could start talkin’ myself out of what I already knew needed to happen.

Once I was in the bathroom, I took my gown off, turned the shower on hot and stepped under the water.

I stood here for a while with my eyes closed and let it run over me while I thought about everything that had brought me to this point.

Couture offered me somethin’ safe, but it wasn’t what I wanted.

Renza had always been too much for me in the ways I wasn’t used to. He loved hard, he moved hard and when he wanted something’, that man ain’t know how to want it halfway. I used to look at that intensity and feel like I needed to protect myself from it. Now I was standin’ under the water wishin’ I understood sooner that I had been runnin’ from the very thing my heart kept reachin’ back for.

I washed myself and let my mind go where it wanted to go. I thought about Couture and the conversation I was about to have with him. I thought about Renza and all the shit I wished I could take back.

By the time I turned the water off, I felt nervous as hell, but I also felt like I had finally made one decision that wasn’t based on fear.

I got out, brushed my teeth and washed my face before pullin’ my hair up into a high ponytail. I got dressed without spendin’ too much time on what I looked. I grabbed my phone, purse and keys, then walked out the house before I could find another reason to sit around and think.

The drive to Couture’s apartment felt longer than usual. My hands stayed on the wheel and my stomach kept turnin’ every time I thought about how his face was gon’ look when I gave the ring back. I knew I was about to hurt him, and that part wasn’t easy for me. At the same time, there was somethin’ inside me that felt lighter the closer I got. I knew I couldn’t fix my heart while I was still holdin’ on to somethin’ that ain’t belong there.

When I pulled into his complex, I parked and sat here with the car still runnin’. I looked through the windshield and took a deep breath, then another one. My heart was beatin’ hard ‘cause once I got out, there wasn’t no takin’ this shit back. Couture was gon’ know exactly where I stood, and for the first time in months, I was ready for somebody to know the truth even if it hurt.

I turned the car off and grabbed my purse. By the time I made it upstairs, my hands was already tremblin’. I unlocked Couture’s door with the key he gave me and stepped inside. I could hear him movin’ around in the kitchen, and a few seconds later I saw him standin’ shirtless by the counter makin’ coffee.