Page 7 of Certified to Handle You 3

For the first time since I saw that video, I ain’t try to tell myself Sha’Nelle was gon’ change her mind. I ain’t tell myself she was scared, confused or waitin’ for me to come get her. I ain’t make up no reason why her yes ain’t really mean yes.

I let myself believe what I saw. Sha’Nelle had agreed to marry that nigga, and if I was really done hurtin’ myself behind that woman, I had to start acceptin’ that she might spend the rest of her life with him.

I looked through the windshield while Kay’Lo smoked beside me, and another tear slid down my face. This time, I ain’t rush to wipe the shit away.

I just sat there with my cousin and let it fall…

Me and ‘Lo had been in my truck for hours, and by the time we finally stopped smokin’, the sun had disappeared and the whole road around us was dark.

Neither one of us had said much the entire time, and I appreciated him enough not to force no conversation out of me just ‘cause he ain’t know what else to do.

When we finally got out, I stretched beside my truck and rubbed both hands over my face. My whole body felt tired as fuck, but it wasn’t the kind of tired some sleep could fix.

My head hurt, my eyes felt raw and all I wanted was to get home without havin’ to talk to another person. Kay’Lo walked around his truck and came toward me. He ain’t say nothin’ when he pulled me into him, and I hugged my cousin back while pattin’ his back a couple times.

“I’m straight, ‘Lo,” I told him once we pulled apart.

Kay’Lo looked at me for a few seconds ‘cause both of us knew I was still full of shit, but he ain’t call me on it this time. “A’ight, Cuz. Hit me when you get to the crib.”

“I got you,” I replied before openin’ my door.

Kay’Lo waited until I was inside before walkin’ back to his own truck, and I ain’t pull off until I saw him get in. Once we got back on the road, he went one way and I went the other. I turned my music on for about thirty seconds before cuttin’ that shit right back off. I wasn’t finna let some sad ass song catch me at the wrong time and have me somewhere cryin’ like a bitch again at another red light. I had embarrassed myself enough for one damn day.

The drive home felt longer than it really was ‘cause my mind wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone. Every time I managed to think about somethin’ else, Sha’Nelle slipped right back in there. I would think about that video, then her ring, then the one I bought for her. After that came some random memory I ain’t ask for. It would be her fussin’ at me, laid up beside me or lookin’ at me with them deep, pretty eyes.

“Get the fuck out my head,” I muttered while turnin’ on the road leadin’ home.

That woman wasn’t even around, and she was still gettin’ on my damn nerves.

By the time I made it back to the crib, I ain’t bother doin’ shit besides parkin’ and headin’ inside. I wasn’t lookin’ for Pressure or nobody else ‘cause I ain’t wanna answer no questions. I went straight to my side of the wing and closed myself inside my room before tossin’ my keys on the dresser.

Everything was quiet, which was exactly what I thought I wanted until I had to stand here in it.

I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it somewhere near the chair before steppin’ out my shoes. My pants came next, then my briefs, and I left all that shit where it landed. Usually I couldn’t stand clothes bein’ all over my floor ‘cause I liked my shit a certain way, but tonight I ain’t give a fuck. Somebody could pick it up tomorrow or I could step over it until it started pissin’ me off.

I went in the bathroom and turned the shower on hot before steppin’ under it. The water ran over my head and down my face while I stood here with both hands against the wall. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind, but that shit lasted all of ten seconds before I saw Sha’Nelle again. I opened my eyes and shook my head.

“Man, fuck this shit.”

I grabbed my soap and started washin’ ‘cause I needed somethin’ to do besides stand here thinkin’. I washed my face, scrubbed over my chest and arms, then let the water run over me while I tried to convince myself that tomorrow would be different. I would wake up and get back to business. I had too much shit goin’ on to spend my days fucked up behind somebody else’s fiancée. Even thinkin’ that word pissed me off.

Fiancée…

I ain’t wanna picture Sha’Nelle as nobody’s damn fiancée. I ain’t wanna picture her plannin’ no weddin’ with that nigga or sittin’ somewhere lookin’ at dresses. I ain’t wanna think about that nigga callin’ her his future wife when I had spent all this time believin’ she was eventually gon’ come back to me.

The more I tried not to think about it, the worse that shit got.

I turned my face into the water and let it run over me while I stayed under here longer than I needed to. At some point, I realized I was just wastin’ hot water and finally shut it off. I stepped out, grabbed a towel and dried myself before rubbin’ it over my head.

I ain’t even have it in me to put no clothes on. I dried my nuts, tossed the towel across the chair near the bathroom and walked my naked ass straight to the bed. I pulled the cover back and got in before layin’ here on my back with one arm behind my head.

Sleep ain’t come… Of course that bitch ain’t come.

I stared at the ceilin’ until I started gettin’ irritated with that too. I turned on my side, then my stomach before rollin’ on my back again ‘cause layin’ on my dick hurt a lil’. I closed my eyes and tried to make my mind blank, but all I could see was Sha’Nelle standin’ in that damn field.

After a while, I opened my eyes and looked toward my dresser. My phone was sittin’ over there. I had blocked Sha’Nelle earlier, and I knew I needed to leave that shit alone. I had already deleted our messages and every picture or video I had of her. I did all that for a reason, and diggin’ around for some other way to hurt my own feelin’s would defeat the whole purpose. Still, my heart was curious as fuck.

I laid here fightin’ myself for another minute before throwin’ the cover off and gettin’ out the bed. “This some dumb ass shit,” I mumbled as I walked across the room.