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I was glad when Kateand I were the first to show up to brunch, so I had plenty of timeto relive every dirty detail of my weekend with Damon. Lindsey knewa little about my past, but not enough that I felt comfortableopenly talking about it around her. And, it’s not that I didn’tlike or trust Emily, but our friendship was still new and I didn’twant to drop that bombshell on something so fresh.
I’d sat with Kateand downed my first mimosa before she had even taken a sip of hers.I told her everything from jumping into the bay with Damon, totelling him about Jason after my nightmare. I knew Kate would behonest with me no matter what, and that’s what I needed right nowmore than anything. I put my elbows on the table and let my headfall into my hands.
“For the first timein my life, I have no idea what I’m going to do, Kate.” I swallowedhard as I looked back up at my friend. “You know as well as I dothat I’ve never wanted more than just a good time. But now all of asudden, Mr. Big Cock Detective wedges his way into my life and Ican’t help but want more,” I admitted a little too loudly. “I swearthe guy whips out that monster and I lose all brain function,” Imumbled.
Kate snorted as theolder lady at the table next to us gasped at my crude words. Irolled my eyes as I grabbed my drink. Looking over at thepearl-grasping woman, I saluted her with my champagne flute.
“Men, am I right?” Isaid before I tilted my glass to my lips. I downed half thecontents of my second glass before Kate pushed the drink down awayfrom my lips with a gleeful laugh.
“All right, slowdown there, Mötley Crüe. You haven’t had anything to eat yet and Idon’t want you to get all drunky on me before noon on a Sunday,”she said with a humorous grin.
I gasped as I handedher the glass. “You see! I never drink excessively, but I wastotally going to drink excessively!” I exclaimed. “Clearly, thatman has made me lose my mind. This morning I didn’t even bother toput my purse on its hook. I didn’t put my shoes up where theybelong either, Kate! My shoes!” I screeched.
Kate’s face flushedbright red as she bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing at me. Ilooked around to see that I had drawn the attention of not only thepearl-grasper, but also two other tables were now openly gawking atme.
I scowled over atall of them. “What? Haven’t you ever seen a mental breakdown atbrunch before?” I nearly shouted.
Kate grabbed myhand, bringing my attention back to her. “I know this is going tobe hard for you to hear, but maybe this is good for you, Jill,” sheoffered with a small smile.
I frowned at her inconfusion. “How could this be good for me? You know better thananyone else that I need control in my life so I don’t fly off thefucking rails,” I admitted.
“Yeah? And how’sthat going for you so far?” I flinched as Kate surprised me withthe question.
I sat back in myseat, completely defeated. I covered my eyes with my hand andpinched the bridge of my nose where a sharp ache was forming. Howdid I get here? Just four months ago I had my shit together. Mycareer was thriving, I was happy to have my best friend living soclose, my sex life was sporadic at best but I was fine with it. Ihad complete control over everything in my life. And now? Now,everything felt like it was unraveling. I shook my head as I took adeep breath and held it.
I heard Kate get upfrom her chair and take the one next to me. I didn’t fight her asshe brought her arms around me and rubbed my back in reassuringstrokes. I leaned into her, accepting her comfort.
“I know it doesn’tfeel like it right now, but this is good for you, babe. You mighthave thought your life was perfect before Damon came into it, but Ican tell you from an outsider’s standpoint, it wasn’t.” Kate’shushed tone raked over me as she pulled away in favor of holding myhands. I looked down at our hands before releasing my breath in aharsh puff. Kate continued.
“I could tell you’vebeen unhappy for quite some time now, Jill. You don’t think Inotice the look in your eyes when you watch Heath, Reid, and metogether? I see you, Jill. I know you crave more and you’re justtoo damn stubborn to take it for yourself.” She paused to catch myeyes. I stared back at her. “What worked for you all those yearsago served its purpose when you needed it most. But, maybe asyou’ve grown and healed little by little, so have your needs. Maybeyou don’t need to clutch onto your sense of control so tightlyanymore. Maybe it’s time to hand the reins over to someone else fora change. To lethimtake care of you instead of you doingit on your own.”
I felt the all toofamiliar burn at the back of my eyes as she finished. “What if…” Istarted, sucking in a shaky breath. “What if I’m too scared to lethim in?” I sniffled, refusing to cry.
Kate smiled at mebefore she squeezed my hands reassuringly. “Being scared just meansthat you’re going after something worth losing. Being afraiddoesn’t mean you’re weak, babe. It means you’re strong enough tofight for yourself, for your happiness.”
I thought aboutfighting for Damon to be in my life. The thought of letting himlove me the way he wanted, unleashed that new warm feeling in mystomach. For once in my life, I needed to let myself feel somethingmore than my own strong will to have everything perfect. I wantedto know what it felt like to be adored, to be taken care of. And Iknew without a shadow of a doubt, Damon would do all of thosethings for me. That is, if I hadn’t fucked it up by leaving himthis morning.
I choked around ahiccup as I hugged my best friend fiercely. She was right. I neededto fight for my own happiness for once in my life. Instead oftrying to control an inevitable outcome, I needed to steer my lifein another direction. To loosen my grip on my control and letsomeone else in for a change. Even if it scared the hell out ofme.
“When did you get sosmart?” I mumbled into Kate’s shoulder before we broke apart.
She chuckled beforeresponding. “Becoming sexually liberated will unlock parts of yourmind you didn’t even know existed.” She smiled as I laughed. “But,don’t tell Reid I said that. He would never let me live it down. Ican hear him now.‘You get smarter each time we fuck because Ifill you up with my intelligence.’“ Her impression of one ofher husbands was spot on.
The pearl-grasperfrom the next table gasped again and we both dissolved into a fitof laughter.
I was wiping thetears from my eyes when I spotted Lyns and Emily walking to ourtable with big grins.
“Looks like wemissed quite the conversation,” Emily remarked as she took her seatnext to Kate. Lyns embraced her mom and then me before sitting.
“Care to tell uswhat’s with the smiles?” She grinned at me as she picked up herglass of OJ.
“Oh, we were justtalking about a guy I’ve been seeing,” I offered. Her eyes wentwide before I gave Kate a knowing wink. I turned to both thenewcomers and told them all about my detective.
ChapterEighteen
After brunch andshopping, Kate drove me downtown to pick up my rental. When wehugged goodbye I promised to text her with any updates on the Damonfront. I decided I would give it a few days before I went to him. Ithink we both needed time to cool off after the things that weredisclosed this weekend.
Even though Idecided I’d give this whole relationship thing a shot, that didn’tmean Damon would still want me. After all, my original thinking ofhim not wanting me due to my past still held firm in my mind. Nomatter what Kate and I had talked about, it would still be hard toconvince myself that I was good enough for him. Years of self-doubtdidn’t just vanish in one day, unfortunately.
