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“Is it? You’ve got a daughter who’ll be six years old next birthday. She deserves a vibrant, happy father who’s not afraid to live for fear of disturbing the dust that’s settled in this house since her mother died.”
Fury coursed through my veins at her outspoken judgmental attitude.
“You’re way off base,” I bellowed. “What are you suggesting, Harper? You slot right in and take my wife’s place? That I should ignore what my head and my heart are telling me and give you a shot? You’re right, you are overstepping, and this is an abuse of your privileged position in this house, because my hands are tied. We need you. You’re fucking Rapunzel in that ivory tower.”
“Don’t quote children’s storybooks to me, I’m an expert, remember? Besides, there’s more than a passing resemblance between us.” I furrowed my brow, confused as to what she meant. Sweeping her hair to the side over one shoulder, she exposed her neck in the same sexy way some women did, a move that had always hit me right in the balls.
“Obviously, my hair isn’t quite as long as hers, but I figure in the right hands I could be just as kinky. I’m not averse to a bit of hair pulling.”
I stared wide-eyed in disbelief at her; like she’d just told me she’d fucked a horny college football team, and I almost choked on her comment.
“Jesus, Harper, you can’t say shit like that to me,” I chuckled. “Please understand how flattered I am. I mean you’re a gorgeous girl, stunning and in another life…”
“This is another life. This is the one we have. You’ve been so consumed by what’s happened you’ve forgotten to live… and in turn you’ve forgotten to take note that other people have needs as well as you.”
Realizing that Harper was telling me she had feelings for me felt like a clusterfuck in the making, because my daughter was at the center of all of this and I changed to a serious tone.
“I’m sorry, but this isn’t happening; will never happen,” I confirmed, gesturing between us; then I realized how close we were when she sat up. Angling her body toward me brought her face so close her hot ragged breath fanned over my face.
“Do you think I wanted this to happen? It wasn’t in my plans to grow up, catch myself a grieving widower and a ready-made family. We don’t always get to choose our paths. You’re into me, Cole Harkin, I can see it.”
The spark of fire in her eyes held my gaze and a lump of emotion swelled in my throat. I swallowed uneasily because she was right. “I know you are. I would never have acted on my feelings unless I saw how you look at me. You just won’t allow yourself to let it go,” she whispered. I never moved, and I didn’t respond.
“You’re right. I have overstepped my position, but this has nothing to do with being your employee.” I dropped my gaze and looked down at my hands because I totally disagreed.
“I feel the way you look at me.” Her emphasis on feel made me eye her cautiously, confused by her comment. “That’s right, feel, Cole. I feel the weight of every stolen glance, every blatant stare, the lustful perusal from a distance, and the way your hungry eyes scanned my body when I took you through your workout yesterday. Your dangerous carnal thoughts shine through in them more than you know, and the searing way you look at me penetrates my skin, ignites flames of wanton desire through my body, and it burns me up inside.”
For a few seconds another silence hung heavily in the air until she broke the tension by placing her soft palm gently on my face. It felt so enticingly warm and feminine over my stubbly chin. I should have pulled away, should have stood and left the room, but in a moment of weakness I relaxed, letting her take the weight of it in her hand, because by then I was desperate for any caring touch.
“I wish I’d known you before,” she whispered. The sadness in her voice brought another lump to my throat, the torturous moment almost strangling me. “You’re a shell of the man you were; the man who fronted SinaMen before his wife died. This isn’t my place, and it’s not an abuse of power because of my status with Layla, because I am one of the few people who know who you’ve really become. Cole, I care enough to take this risk because someone has to be the first to help you pin your feelings down.”
“Pin my feelings, or pin me down?”
“You’re naturally suspicious. I get that, given how people have used you in the past, from what you told me. Personally, my agenda isn’t anything other than to be honest about the feelings I’ve developed for you, and you can deny it all you want, but I know you’ve got feelings in there for me,” she argued, poking my chest.
“No, Harper. You’re wrong. The feelings I have are all purely physical. You were spot on because they’re carnal… sinful even. Sexual fantasies. Any affection I have for you is related to your capacity as my daughter’s caregiver.”
“Ouch.” With hurt instantly etching her face, Harper pulled her hand away from me, turned onto her hands and knees, and stood up. I followed suit and stood facing her.
“Guess I was way off the mark,” she added looking mortified by my words. “Am I supposed to be flattered Cole Harkin would ‘do me?’” blunt irony laced her tone.
“Stop,” I commanded, catching her by her wrist as she turned to walk away.
Glancing down at my hand on her wrist, then up into my eyes, she shrugged. “The way you hold me isn’t unfamiliar, Cole. Your grip feels possessive.” Bringing her hand up to show me, she waved her wrist with mine holding it firmly. “But I’ll respect your wishes to keep our relationship professional. I’m not sorry I brought this out in the open because at least it’s cleared the air.”
I dropped my hand from her wrist and watched as she turned and left the room. Closing my eyes, I drew in a much-needed gulp of clean air and prayed I’d handled her advance toward me delicately enough that she’d still decide to stay.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
In the weeks after Harper pressed her point about the way I looked at her, it had shaken the mist from my eyes. No matter how well I thought my progress was, when it came down to it, I was still stuck on the precarious path I walked between Layla’s care and my monogamous feelings of love for a ghost.
Staying home, in the sedate environment of the fortress I had built for my family should have taken some stress from my life, but all it had done was magnify what I was emotionally lacking. Being a single dad was a minefield of negotiations between my head, my heart, and my day-to-day life. And once this attraction thing between Harper and I had come to a head, I knew I had a new dilemma to deal with.
Trying to do what was right by Harper, instead of taking what I wanted, was slowly killing me. I was horny as fuck and I hadn’t been laid in what felt like an age. Despite this, I continued my bi-weekly yoga sessions with her. I could have stopped doing them—I’d even considered it—but I figured if I had, it would have only made her feel even more alienated after the way I’d turned her down.
I was emotionally split with half of me wanting to stay home with my daughter, and the other half urging me to get the fuck away before I nailed Harper to a wall, a floor, or a door. No matter what, I had to learn to curb my desires around her, but after her advance toward me I felt the unspoken wedge it had driven between us.
As I became more attuned to my body’s responses, I channeled it into the effort I made during my workouts and even added some sessions of distance running to them. Apart from the time we spent together with Layla, I avoided spending personal time with Harper. It was a pity because I had really enjoyed her company.
