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I don’t want to tell him. But I also don’t want to take this further and then freak out at an — intimate moment.
I should have thought about that, of course he’s going to want sex eventually. I want sex eventually. That’s a normal course for relationship progression. But sex isn’t something I’ve thought about, or if I have, it’s been a nightmare.
“About that.” I chew the inside of my cheek, working up the gumption to continue.
What if he doesn’t believe me? What if I tell him and the warmth disappears? What if he pities me?
I’m so beyond damaged, but I don’t want that to be the only part of me he sees.
I don’t want to change the way he looks at me. Like I’m special. Like I’m important. Like I’m not just a statistic.
If I tell him, will that change?
My eyes prick, and I cut a glance to Audra as my heart beats harder in my chest. She’s munching on her rice puffs and kicking her feet in the highchair, fully comfortable in Harlan’s kitchen.
Am I about to send her world spinning again?
“Talk to me, Sunshine. You can tell me anything.”
Trusting Harlan has been easy. And he hasn’t let me down yet when I’ve shared about my past. He hasn’t judged me. He hasn’t looked at me with pity or like I’m damaged.
I have to trust that he won’t now.
Please. Don’t let this change anything.
“It might be — I might struggle with — that,” I say.
Harlan scoots his chair closer to mine and snags my fisted hand off the top of the table. His thumb traces a swirling pattern on the back of my hand. “With sex?” There’s no judgment on his face. Just open curiosity.
I focus on the warmth of his hand in mine. The steady swirl of his thumb across the back of my hand. I marvel at the change, where before I didn’t want anyone to touch me — let alone a man — Harlan’s touch is — more.
I swallow hard. “Yes. Sex. With sex.” God, this is mortifying. A greasy coat of ick makes the next words nearly impossible.
“I, um, I wasn’t. Always willing.” My eyes cut back to my daughter as Harlan’s hand tightens on mine.
“Willing?” He bites out, his lips curling in an ugly sneer, disgust saturating the dark and unforgiving word. Muscles in his jaw tense as his own gaze burns turning to my daughter and my heart breaks in my chest.
Shatters into a thousand shards of glass.
He’s disgusted with me. With her.
Of course he is.
I’m disgusted with me.
I let it happen. I didn’t report Sean or get out sooner.
This is all my fault.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
I have to get out of here right now.
Panic makes my movement jerky. “I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I should go.”
I stand abruptly, my chair hitting the floor behind me with an explosion of sound.
I’m held immobile as Harlan tightens his grip. Not painfully, just firm. The warm comfort of it from moments ago is gone as I yank on my hand and try to escape.
