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“Let go, please,” I sob. He drops my hand like it’s on fire, and that’s another reason to cry. Without question, he gives me autonomy over my choices, my body. And it makes me feel safe. Respected.
And I ruined that.
“Wait. Maisie. Hey. Hey. Slow down.” The venom in his tone disappears completely as he holds his own hands up in front of him, and I don’t flinch — because Harlan is safe. He’s a safe place for me.
“Maisie,” Harlan whispers my name, and I can’t stop my eyes from finding his. “Stop. Deep breaths. Take a few deep breaths, Sunshine. Slow down. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He scoots another step back. “I wasn’t mad at you. Never at you.”
His words start to penetrate my panic-flooded brain. He thought he scared me. He’s angry — for me. Not disappointed or disgusted.
A hiccuping sob surrounds my dumbfounded, “Mad?”
“I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry. Breathe, baby.”
Audra lets out a wail from her high chair, the tension between Harlan and I getting to her. I unbuckle her from her seat and cuddle her in my arms.
“Can I —” His Adams apple bobs in his throat as he swallows. “Can I hold you?”
He wants to hold me. After freaking out, and now crying. Me trying to run away in a panic. He wants to hold me. To comfort me after I told him the worst secret I’ve ever kept.
A nightmare that turned into the biggest blessing in my life.
My heart all but leaps out of my chest into his upturned palm.
I nod. Still running my hand up and down Audra’s back. His arms close around us, so impossibly gently that it makes more tears fall from my eyes.
Harlan’s mouth drops to my hair in a kiss, and he murmurs, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I never want to scare you.” He whispers more into my hair, but most of it is lost between us as I try to get myself under control.
When the tumultuous emotions quiet enough, I pull back and shake my head. “You didn’t scare me. I thought you were upset, disgusted — with me.”
“With you?” he asks, and I nod.
“I’m not disgusted. I am upset, but not with you. Never with you.” He presses another kiss to my hair and pulls back. “Here, let me take her, let’s sit back down. Take a sip of water. Catch your breath.”
Harlan takes Audra out of my arms and sways with her until her own hiccuping whines quiet. Like he did with me, he presses kisses to the crown of her head, whispering to her low enough that I can’t hear what he’s saying. Her head drops to his shoulder, and her arm wraps around his neck.
She’s as comfortable in his arms as she is in mine, and that makes me want to cry all over again.
Harlan is a safe place for Audra too. Even with him knowing how she was brought into the world, he’s safe for her too.
I lift my chair from the floor before sitting back down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drop that on you, but I figured it would be better if you know — if I can’t…”
A sip of water helps to clear the vise grip on my esophagus. My hand trembling against the thin plastic bottle.
Harlan’s lips brush against — a now calm — Audra’s head.
“Better?” he asks.
“Yeah. Sorry.” I snag a napkin and wipe my cheeks.
“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t handle that better. That’s on me. Not you.”
“Sor …” I stop and Harlan smiles at me.
“Atta girl.”
He hugs Audra to his chest. “So she wasn’t planned?”
“No. He came home drunk one night … and yeah. About six weeks later, I found out.”
