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Raph
"Congrats, dude! Looks like Geoff really did give you those killer instincts. This place is gonna be killer. Let me see progress pics, then. And congratulations again, man. You've done so much, it's unreal. The Legend 2.0!" Kendall raised his beer in salute.
I should be happy, too, but I couldn't find my celebratory mood. Even though Experience Shoreview was mirroring my imagination, I made a huge mess I didn't know how to fix.
After the meeting with Lia at that little cafe, I left Shoreview. She outdid every expectation I had for her. With the design and as a woman. She'd gotten fired from her job because of me, and I didn't even have the decency to comfort her. Self-loathing oozed through me, choking out my senses.
Despite the chaos in Lia's life, her dedication made Experience Shoreview as good as my other clubs. Or better.
The location was ideal for the desired demographic. The odds couldn't tip any further in my favor. And yet, I wasn't slamming beers, celebrating like I imagined back when Experience Shoreview was nothing but a possibility.
I was a coward who ran away without saying goodbye. Lia's stunned face gutted me, and I wasn't recovering from the self-inflicted damage.
I caused her so much pain, and there's nothing I can do.
Lia and I enjoyed our time ignoring the inevitable, but the end still found us. Great sex and attraction don't last forever. I was too busy for a healthy relationship. It was best to end it after a couple of weeks. Exhaustion and stress weren't friends of anyone, least of all someone like me. They were pretty fucking awful.
But it had been over a week since I left. And it felt as fresh as when I dropped her off.
What a mess.
I came to the terrifying realization that I was madly in love with Lia. A part of seventeen-year-old Raphael loved her, too; always had. We bared our souls on our last day together, told stories about our lives, dealt with highs and lows side by side… that was when I knew she was a distraction I couldn't afford; she could ruin my career. I was struggling to recover the time.
It would only get worse. She was a drug. With every taste, I craved more. I'd keep taking until I had all of her. I wanted nothing except being with her and on her and around her and inside her. Especially inside her.
She disrupted my goals. I was better off before learning about the gorgeous woman with long untamable honey hair and eyes like the Atlantic… damnit. There she was again. Always. Every time I closed my fucking eyes.
Kendall watched me, and I wished he'd stop. The extra sympathy was wearing me down. There was time at the end of the night, and he suggested we get a drink; I hadn't seen him in a while. But I wasn't great company and knew it. I was miserable and irritated. Ready to go home.
"You did it for a reason, obviously. If you aren't satisfied with the reason, why did you do it at all?" Kendall asked.
I sighed and leaned into my tented fingers. "I had to leave her. It was affecting me."
"Well, it's still affecting you. Is this better?"
I didn't give him a response. My jaw ticked. I didn't know the answer. I couldn't fucking concentrate and it was driving me out of my goddamned mind. It was unreasonable to be this hung up.
I was a shitty foster child no one wanted, and the agony and strife I must have caused my last foster mother when I ran away… I was stupid and irresponsible and didn't think of anyone but myself.
I was trying to think of Geoff. To focus on growth. Find even more success… I did that, didn't I? All our numbers were up, and next month, Experience Shoreview would be open for business. I had staff interviews next week. The finish line was in sight.
Yet I wasn't happy or at peace. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Every time I closed my eyes, there was Lia, taunting me with my solitude.
Design construction started over a week ago. A progress assessment wasn't immediately necessary, but if I scheduled some interviews, I could see how things were proceeding. It wouldn't be about her if I were interviewing. Except it still was. My mind wouldn’t stop spinning in the same circle.
"Dude, you're sitting at the bar mumbling to yourself like a mental patient. I know you're feeling shitty, but you're doing it to yourself. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you feel better. Now, no offense, but get outta here. You're bumming me out. No one's dead… unless you keep up with this depressing shit. Then I might kill you myself."
"Yeah, okay. Night."
I threw some bills onto the bar and stood. I wasn't fit to socialize tonight. My mind was off the rails.
I trudged the distance from the bar to Experience in my fog. Once I was back at my desk, I had to stop myself from scheduling interviews tomorrow afternoon at Shoreview.
No, there's no good reason.
Still, the wait to next week felt insurmountable. Sighing in exasperation, I rubbed at my sleepless eyes. There was no way to fix this, to escape myself.
Disaster.
