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Sam cups my cheek, wiping away the fallen tears with his thumb. He continues rubbing soothing circles as he speaks. “Talk to me, Marcy. What is going through that gorgeous head of yours?” I feel his warm breath skate across my skin before my eyes flutter open.
“I don’t know. I just didn't expect to see that this morning. I feel like I get comfortable with the thought of us being together then signs of him pop up bringing the guilt back to the surface.” I run my hands through my tangled hair reminding me that my much needed conditioner is at home. Home. That’s where I need to be right now. I need to get away from all this. I need the space to figure everything out because when we are together, hazel eyes lure me right back to where he wants me. I’ve got to get out of here.
He opens his mouth to speak but I lay my finger across them. I need to get this out. “Sam, I need to go home. I need to figure some things out for myself.” His nostrils flare at my admission and I can see the determination in his eyes. That’s exactly what I need to get away from right now.
I shuffle off the bed leaving Sam motionless behind me.
“I’m not letting you run out on this. On us. This has been a long time coming, princess, and I’ll be damned if I let you go now.” His voice is still husky from sleep but commanding all the same.
I don’t dare turn back knowing what will happen if I do. Picking up my purse and shoes, I head toward his bedroom door pausing for a moment at the entryway. Am I doing the right thing? Will this screw everything up when I walk out of his door? I guess that’s something I will have to come to terms with if it does, because right now all I can think of is Matty. When I close my eyes, I see him standing there with his goofy smile on his face. I couldn’t bear it if that smile faded from my mind, replaced with the look of disapproval.
I hear Sam get to his feet and I nearly sprint to the front doors with tears streaming from my eyes. I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t make these kinds of decisions. I don’t think I can pick between the two of them but that’s what feels like needs to be done.
“Marcy Wren Hillary, don’t you dare turn that handle. Come back so we can talk about this like adults,” Sam’s thunderous voice booms from the living room. It echoes through my heart like a beacon calling me back to him.
My tears continue to fall with my hand trembling on the handle. “I need time to think,” I murmur. As the door opens, I run through the small hallway straight to the elevator. When I turn to press the buttons, my eyes chance a glance up. Seeing a furious and dejected Sam standing there makes my heart break. As the doors close before me, I slide to the floor and weep at the mess my life has become.
I can feel my heart being ripped from my chest. One half going to Sam and the other to Matt, leaving me empty and hollow. How can I go on without a beating heart?
The elevator doors open to the main lobby of the building. Embarrassingly, I rise from the floor grabbing my things and dart to the nearest door. I half expected Sam to be there waiting for me, especially with the last look I saw on his face. But he isn't here. I know I should feel relief but I feel even more lost in his absence.
I can’t do this. Too many emotions swirl through my mind until I feel like my world is spinning out of control. I need fresh air because the atmosphere surrounding me is stifling. I can’t breathe, almost like I’ve forgotten how to do it on my own. My lungs burn until I’m hit with the cool morning air. The tears on my cheeks turn to cold streams as I make my way toward the edge of the street. I look down at my bare feet wondering if they would make that last step if I told them to. Would they listen? Or would something stop them? The noise in my head is drowning out my sense of reasoning making me believe that stepping into the morning traffic may very well be the best option. Will it hurt or will I just wake up to Matty holding me in his arms? Oh Matty, I need you so desperately. I lift my foot from the freezing concrete as my hair whips in the wind from the passing cars. This is it. This is…
A horn blows before me, sending me flying back on my ass. It takes me a moment to realize where I am but it all comes flooding back as I hear another horn blow.
“Hey lady, you gettin’ in or what?” the cab driver bellows from the car parked in front of me. I give a short nod as I rise from the ground to collect my things. My backside stings as I slide into the seat.
“Where are we headin’?” He looks through the rearview mirror waiting for me to answer. Where am I going? He makes a disgruntled noise waiting for my response.
“Um, I…” I rattle off my address as the car pulls away from the curb. The glass from the window feels good on my fevered skin. The buildings go by in a blur, nothing standing out in this city of chaos. People turn into one neverending smear along the sidewalk as we pass. My eyes close from the emotional exhaustion of the morning, not able to take in any more. I feel weak, small, hopeless, lost.
The cab comes to an abrupt stop causing me to spring forward in my seat. My hands shoot out for anything to grab before I slam into the plastic partition, only missing it by an inch as my hand finds the emergency handle on the roof.
“Fuck, drive much?” I yell at the driver.
“We’re here, m’lady,” he replies as he rolls his eyes. I swipe my card and slam the door as hard as I can once I’m out on the street. What an asshole.
Now pissed off, I forcibly open my purse trying to retrieve my keys. I slip on my boots over Sam’s joggers and make my way up to my apartment. I get weird looks all the way but I have zero fucks left to give. They can stare all they want.
Once in my apartment, I kick off the boots as I head to my bedroom. The previous emotions that brought havoc to my mind have now quieted leaving severe exhaustion in their wake. I don’t shower or change, just fall straight into my bed, wrapping myself up in Matty’s old blanket. I’m asleep in seconds, my mind finally at rest.
???
My eyes feel glued shut when I finally wake up. I wipe away the sleep, letting them flutter open. My ceiling comes into view as all the memories of the day come crashing back into my mind like a tidal wave, but I feel numb. Maybe once your heart breaks it takes away all feeling. You’re just a living shell of the person you once were. I pull the old, tattered blanket up to my nose but I can’t smell him anymore. I haven't been able to for years but it doesn't stop me from trying.
With a heavy sigh, I roll out of the bed. Sam’s clothes need to go because wearing them only makes decisions harder. When I turn on the light to the bathroom, my eyes squint from the sudden brightness. The white marble slowly comes back into view as my eyes adjust to the change. The mirror reflects a person who I don’t recognize. She looks lost. The once bright green of her eyes seem to have dulled into a jaded color.
With a resigning sigh, I toss the clothes into my bin and climb into the shower. I go through the motions as if on autopilot as I wash. Once I squeeze the excess water from my hair, I reach for two towels. My feet pad back into my bedroom where I pull on some leggings and an old sweatshirt from college. After I wrap my hair in a towel my stomach grumbles. I guess it has been a while since I ate but the thought of food makes me queasy.
I grab a granola bar from the pantry and a water bottle from the fridge. When I close the refrigerator, my eyes catch the calendar pinned to the door. My heart speeds up when I realize I didn’t go to Matt’s grave on our birthday like I have since he passed. I told myself that I would go Sunday since I was getting ready for the party on Saturday. Yet it’s Monday and I never visited him. My stomach twists as I rush through the apartment grabbing my dead phone, I’ll have to charge in the car, and my sneakers. Pulling them on, I pluck my keys from the table and race out of my apartment. I’m so glad I took today off as a forethought from my birthday this past weekend.
Once my phone powers up, I put on my mood music playlist. It’s something I made incorporating songs with lyrics that speak to me in an intimate way. Even though it’s a cool November day, I ride through the city with my sunroof down and my heater on. It’s something Matty and I always did when we were young. It doesn't make any sense but with the air coming in it somehow is freeing.
The trip to the cemetery is rooted in my mind, making driving it feel like second nature. I park in my usual spot then grab the bag I got from the grocery store on the way. As I walk through the memorial park, my eyes focus on the dark clouds above. They seem to follow along the path to Matthew’s grave. I lay out the towel and sit beside him pulling my knees up to my chest.
“I’m sorry I’m late, Matty. I didn’t forget, I just–life threw me a curveball and I didn’t handle it well.” Wind blows, making the leaves rustle around me. I sit quietly for a moment stewing in indecision of what to say next. I pull out the candy from the bag I brought and hold it up.
“I brought our favorite candy. I figured eating it would be like old times when you would take me to the store and we would sneak it past mom and dad so we could have a movie marathon with good snacks.” I tear open the package and the fruity smell hits me like a brick. I haven’t had Sour Patch Kids since Matty passed away.
