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“You know, you didn’t always have to let me pick the movie. We could have watched one of your crazy action movies instead.” I pour some of the gummies in my hand and divide them by colors. I always ate the red and orange and he wanted the green and yellow. We would split the blue ones between us.
“Sam came to our birthday celebration on Friday. Miles and Sebastian put it on for us. I hadn’t seen him since your funeral. I didn’t even know he still lived in the city.” Emotion clogs my throat and I’m not sure where to begin with this conversation.
“So, Matty, I—um, well I ended up drinking way too much and Sam actually came to my rescue and took care of me.” I look around the bleak cemetery trying to find the right words. Guilt threatens to overwhelm me but I have to get this out before it eats me alive. I take a deep breath, letting the cold air into my lungs, causing them to burn.
“I’m just going to say it. I slept with him, Matty. I’m so sorry. I know he was your best friend and I shouldn’t have betrayed you. I got so caught up in my feelings for him that never seemed to have faded over time. Instead they were stronger than ever before.” Tears stream down my face as I take a bite of the sour candy. The flavor explodes in my mouth bringing me right back to all those years ago when I would cuddle up with Matt on his bed.
“Did you ever realize my feelings for him? I know you never mentioned it but could you tell? From the first time you brought him home, I was smitten. I can’t describe it. It was like all was right in the world when he was around. I didn’t mean to fall for him the older I became. It just…happened.” I wipe the tears from my face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
“I wish you were here. I need you now more than ever because I don’t know what to do. I can’t choose between you two. I wouldn’t survive it, especially now.” The wind picks up causing my hair to swirl around me sticking to the wet patches on my face. The sky darkens with the looming threat of rain.
“Since you’ve been gone, I feel guilty if something good happens in my life. Like I don’t deserve to be happy because you aren’t here for me to share it with. But I also know in my heart that you would want me to be happy. It’s so hard to know which one is right. Please tell me what to do. Please, Matty, please tell me.” I cry silently into my hands as drops of rain begin to fall. I don’t want to leave. I’m not ready. I haven’t figured out what to do yet.
“Do you remember that time that we danced in the rain after one of your football games?” Smiling, I stand up then scroll through my playlists until I come to the song I’m thinking of. I hit play and set the phone down on his headstone.
“Do you remember, Matty? Everyone was scrambling to leave but you picked me up and twirled me around singing “Everlong” by the Foo Fighters. We laughed so hard as we screamed the lyrics together getting questioning looks in the process but we didn’t care. We were in our own little world. Our bubble.” I dance around him. I can feel him with me. I’m laughing and shouting the words to the song getting some wrong but I don't care. It's just us. As I’m spinning, jumping and acting a fool the rain starts pouring down on me. I twirl with my arms out embracing the cold rain, my face looking up at the sky letting the water cleanse me of my transgressions.
My knees hit the ground as my hands grip my hair and I scream. I scream for having to be here without Matt. I scream for his short life. I scream and scream because I’m mad as hell that he was taken from me.
“Why did you have to leave me, Matt?” WHY? Why did you have to be such a fucking saint and go fight for our country? I’m selfish, Matty! I wanted you with me. I needed you with me. I hate you so much but I love you the most.” I scream as loud as I can until my voice begins to crack; I feel the strain on my throat. My fists punch the ground with all the strength I have left, over and over and over until I collapse to the ground in a heap of fucked up mess. That’s what I am. My chest is heaving and my eyes are overflowing with pain and loneliness, mixing with the rain and cascading down my face away from me. My emotions sink into Matt’s grave as I lay there sprawled out.
“I don’t really hate you, Matty. I never could…” I whisper.
“Can I date your best friend? Being with him sparks my soul back to life, Matty. It’s been dead since you’ve been gone. I know you were so protective of me but I think you would approve of him. You already know he’s a good man. Tell me, Matty. I’ll listen. I always listen…” I trail off as my phone sparks to life playing a new song. “Santeria” by Sublime blares around me. Matt was always singing this song. He even sang it one night at this karaoke party we were at. My eyes close as a fresh set of tears stream down my face. I know it may seem crazy but I know he just answered me.
“Thank you,” I breathe.
Smiling, I look at his name engraved above me.
“Thank you. I’m proud of you in case I never told you. You will always be my hero, my best friend.”
My hand runs back and forth over the cold, wet marble until I hear footsteps approaching. My emotions tore through me so ferociously that I don’t have the energy to look. I close my eyes as I curl into myself, exhaustion taking over.
Warm hands wrap about me but before I can scream, I hear him. “Shh, it’s me. It’s just me, princess.” Sam’s words calm my racing heart as he picks up my drenched body. He slings the wet towel over his shoulder and grabs my phone, silencing the loud music.
“How–” I mutter, my voice barely above a whisper.
He doesn't answer me right away, he just walks us to the parking lot in silence.
“Put me down, Sam! If you aren’t going to talk then put me the fuck down. I don’t need a savior if that’s what you think you’re doing,” I shout as loud as my voice allows which isn’t much. I wiggle in his arms until he drops me to my feet. His gorgeous hazel eyes have turned stormy.
“I followed you. Okay? You ran out on me. I was fucking worried about you.” He slams the towel on the ground in front of us. He followed me? “I could see the darkness and desperation seeping into your eyes,” he pants, running his hand down his face as the rain continues to pour down on us. The only sound around is our labored breathing as the rainstorm pounds the ground. His eyes lock back on mine and a chill runs through my body not from the cold but from his intensity.
“Do you know how I saw that?” I shake my head.
“I saw it because it’s what I see when I look in the mirror. It’s what haunts me.” He takes a step toward me and cups my face.
“But I didn't see it this morning.” He pulls me flush against his body.
“What are you–” His finger covers my lips then tilts my chin up forcing me to look at him.
“I didn’t see it this morning because of you.” I gasp as more tears flood down my cheeks but my focus remains on Sam’s unwavering gaze. His thumbs stroke the tears from my cheeks. Leaning down he rests his forehead against mine.
“I’m broken, sunshine, but your fire got in through the cracks of my soul. You showed me what it felt like to live again. Life threw us a curveball and we found ourselves shattered but you brought light into my life, even during our darkest moments. It ignited my spirit. When we’re broken, it’s easy to forget what it feels like to truly live. But then someone came along—you—and suddenly, the world became vivid again. Life isn’t just about existing; it’s about feeling, experiencing, and embracing every sunrise. That’s you, Marcy. You’re my sunrise, my sunshine.”
“Say something, Marcy.” His lips brush against mine so lightly it would be easy to miss. My brain is already exhausted from all of the events from today culminating with talking to Matt. My thoughts are sporadic and I can’t form the words I need to say. I don’t even know what the words are.
“I—“ He pulls back from me searching my gaze for answers that he won’t find. It’s all too much.
