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Adam stops in front of me, and we stare at each other. His jaw works, and I force myself to keep my shoulders back and not cower under his intensity.
Finally, he says, “I don’t know what’s gotten into you this trip, but you’re not acting like yourself.”
“Adam!” Faye scolds as she approaches us, but I hold up a hand. She’s always been good at reading me, so she stops a few feet away from me, giving me space but ready to intervene, which I appreciate. I thought I wanted her help when Adam walked over, but his words awakened something in me, something that’s been lying dormant when it comes to standing up for myself. The pressure sitting in my chest expands as Adam speaks, the same way it’s been doing this whole trip.
His eyes briefly flick to Faye, but he doesn’t spare her another glance. “You’re dancing on tables and running around without telling people where you’re going and drinking alcohol and making friends with strangers and doing body shots and kissing him!” He flings out his arm behind me and I follow where he points.
Kellan hasn’t moved from his spot, which is within hearing distance, and he’s been joined by Dean, Dylan, and Alessio. The four boys are staring at us, like they’re in shock at what Adam’s saying, and it’s clear who Adam’s pointing at. He continues, “You don’t even know him, and you kissed him! What is going on with you?”
Everything he’s listing is everything that I did because I wanted to, everything that I had fun doing. I loved doing every one of those things he mentioned, but somehow it isn’t like me to do them?
“Who are you to tell me what to do?” I retort. “If I did those things, then it obviouslyislike me to do them, don’t you think?”
“No. You wouldn’t be doing any of that stuff ifhewasn’t making you.”
Again, I know who he’s referring to even without him saying it. His refusal to acknowledge Dean while simultaneously insulting him only makes me more upset. “No one ismakingme do anything. The only person here who’s making me do stuff isyou. You’re telling me not to drink, not to talk to people, not to participate in events, not to havefun. And right now, you’re making me angry.”
Adam must not expect my words to sound so harsh because his eyes widen slightly. “I’m not trying to make you angry; I’m just trying to watch out for you,” he says, doubling down on the intensity. “It’s easy for people to take advantage of you, and I just want to make sure you’re not letting him change you.”
On the surface, his words make sense. They’d even be sweet if I didn’t know any better. But I’m able to move past them and get to the meaning, to see his words for what they truly are, and they’re not flattering.
“No one is taking advantage of me, Adam, especially notDean. In fact, Dean has never expected me to do anything. He’s not the one who expects me to act one way or another. He’s not telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing.You are.”
Adam’s defensive walls rise at that statement, his chest puffing up. “I’mbetter for you than him. I get that you’re upset about Jenna and the stuff I let her get away with, but you’re smarter than this, Lori. You’re not going to choosehimoverme. I know you. I know who you are, and what you need.”
He’s right. I’m at his house almost every other day; it’s impossible for him not to know me, simply because I’ve been in his proximity for years. But it’s clear he doesn’t reallyknowme, or doesn’t care to watch me grow, to help me figure out who I truly am. I’ve been floating for a long time, unsure of who I am or what I want—which is why I want to go to Europe so badly.
But even though I’m not entirely sure of who I am, I do know I amsickof doing what other people expect of me,sickof trying to make them happy,sickof people telling me what’s best for me.
Whether it’s Faye telling me to stay away from Adam, or my parents telling me to go to med school, or Adam telling me an entire laundry list of things. I just want to beme, and what I want right now is to stop being talked to like an incapable toddler.
“I’m not a child, Adam! I don’t need you to tell me what’s best for me. I don’t need you to make decisions for me! You want me to stay in this perfect little box and be the perfect little Lori I’ve been my entire life, not making any waves, letting other people run her life. Well, sorry to break it to you, but I’m my own person! I can and will make my own decisions, and I’m over you telling me what those decisions should be.”
A muscle in his jaw jumps as his eyes bore into mine, his gaze fiery and commanding, mine determined and finally seeing the truth.
“You want to make decisions?” he asks, even though it’s rhetorical. “Fine. Right now. It’s either him or me, Lori.”
I’m taken aback by his statement. “Wait, what?”
He steps closer to me, forcing me to tilt my head up. His lips press in a straight line. “You heard me. It’s him or me, and if it’s not me, I’m walking away and I won’t be there when you fall, which you will.”
Besides the fact that he wants me to choose between him and Dean right here, right now, his confident assumption that I’m going to fail and come crawling back to him spikes the anger in my chest more than ever before. I don’t know what to do with it, how to deal with the frustration of being treated like I’m incapable of doing anything or knowing what’s best, of always taking the easy way out so I don’t have to confront or disappoint anyone.
I glance back at Dean, who’s still standing with Kellan, Dylan, and Alessio. All four boys are just as wide-eyed as they were the last time I looked in their direction. They heard everything.
I haven’t talked to Dean, so I’m not sure where his head’s at after last night, but as I meet his eyes, words he said to me our first night here replay in my mind.Life’s too short to let other people make your decisions for you. It feels like forever ago, and while I agreed with him in theory when he first told me, I get it now.
“Choose, Lori. Right now,” Adam commands, and my resolve hardens, his words bolstering my decision and giving me the confidence to announce what I want, what Ireallywant.
“You want me to choose, Adam? Fine. I choose neither of you!” I shove him, and he’s so thrown off by my words that he stumbles back a step. “I choose myself! I’m done being told what to do and being pushed around. I’m done making decisions for other people. I’m choosingmyselfand doing whatIwant to make myself happy, and I don’t need you or anyone else telling me what that is. I only wish I figured that out sooner.”
Adam’s staring at me like he’s never seen me before. He didn’t expect me to say that and genuinely thought I would choose him. He probably didn’t think I’d grow a backbone and stand up for myself, but everything that’s happened this week has been leading up to this moment,thisdecision. It’s time I put myself first, and if that means stepping out of the shadows and causing some conflict while doing it, then so be it.
“Yeah! You tell him, Lori!” Faye exclaims, joining my side.
“Tell him that—”
I round on Faye, effectively cutting her off. “That means you too, Faye. I get it; you’re the outgoing, confident one who’s always got a plan, and I’m the quiet one who always follows your lead. It’s worked for us, but sometimes you push me around and take my shyness for granted. Not anymore.”
