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She’dbeen gone for two weeks and he’d been miserable since she left.Foodtasted bland; the sun failed to warm him; hearing laughter made him frown.Ifhe didn’t watch out, he’d turn into an actual hermit, and the children in the neighbourhood would start making up stories about him. ‘Theregoes theLeBossudeMontmartre.Watchout for him.Atnight he transforms into a rat and drinks the tears of virgins’or something like that.
Anotherpain crackled under his scars.
‘Argh!’
Theangry look inElodie’seyes was replaced by pity.Hehated being pitied. ‘Gabriel, you can’t go on like this.Youneed to get some help.I’msure if you calledDrReynaudhe would fit you into his schedule.’
Gabrielturned his head away and glared at the wall.Heremembered his last session withDrReynaudtwo years ago, where the good doctor suggested thatGabrielshould try opening himself up to relationships.Gabrielhad scoffed at the idea, told the doctor that he thought he was full of shit, and left halfway through the session. ‘Whatare you so scared of?’ the doctor had called after him.
This.Exactlythis.Uncontrollablepain.Worryingabout another person above all others.Beingvulnerable.Allof this scared the crap out of him and now that he was living it, he knew why.
Lovesucks.
‘Haveyou tried to contact her at all?’Elodieasked, making herself comfortable next to him on the bed.
Gabrielpulled a face that saiddon’t be ridiculous. ‘No, of course not.Shemade her feelings clear.Itwas just sex.’
‘Ohyeah?Howdo you explain this?’Shepulled out her phone and opened upFacebook.
Itshowed a stock picture of someone jumping out of a plane. ‘WhatamIlooking at?’ he asked.
‘This, you dummy!’Shepointed to a line of copy under the picture:Canyou helpJessraise money for…
Thewords faded out.
‘So?’
Elodiestabbed the screen with her finger and another screen popped up. ‘So?!She’sjumping out of a plane to raise money for children who need prostheses.Doyou think she would have done that before meeting you?’
Heshrugged and gritted his teeth as another pain shot through him. ‘Probably.She’sa very kind person.’
Contraryto his calm demeanour, his heart thumped faster.Jesswas jumping out of a plane.Withouthim there.Apparentlyher spontaneity science fair project lived on.Thatwas good.Butalso, scary.Whatif she hurt herself?Hewould do some research into the company, make sure they were a professional outfit.
Elodiegrunted with exasperation and hit him on his leg.
‘Ow!’
‘That’snot whatImean!Imean the fact that she chose to raise money for a charity that just happens to support people like you.Butsmaller and cuter and probably smarter.’
‘Whatof it?’Datinga shrink had obviously turned his sister into a licensed psychologist.
‘Youreally don’t know anything about women, do you.’Itwasn’t a question.
‘Elodie, stop.I’mno good for her.Icouldn’t even go one week without fucking things up.’
Ina rare display of physical affection,Elodiereached out and touched him on the cheek. ‘Gabriel, what are you scared of?’
Thequestion echoed what his psychiatrist had asked him.Hehuffed bitterly and pushed her hand away. ‘Me?I’mscared of everything.I’mscared of losing everybodyIlove.Whichincludes you, if you’d believe it.I’mscared of feeling too much.Livingtoo little.Beingvulnerable.I’mscared thatI’llnever feel again likeIdid withJessat the chateau.’
Shepursed her lips, and her concerned gaze bore into him. ‘Doyou love her?’
Anotherpain.Afterit passed he said, ‘Itdoesn’t matter ifIlove her.’
Grabbinghis shoulders, she asked again, ‘Do.You.Love.Her?’
Didhe loveJess?
Well, he missed her smile.Hemissed the way she bit her lip after making a joke, as though waiting to see if it landed properly.Hemissed her enthusiasm for life.Hemissed her bravery.Hemissed the way she made him feel invincible.Hemissed the way he fit inside her like she’d been made for him.Hemissed the feeling of security he had when she was around.Hemissed seeing the expression of wonder on her face when she experienced something new.Hemissed holding her in his arms.Didhe love her?
