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‘Wonderfully,’ I lie, chaos still tearing through my brain like a tornado.
24
distinctly lacking in Vitamin D, in every way
A V A
The sun beats downonto Clapham Common with a ferocity that guarantees a burn, despite the layers of suncream I repeatedly slather on myself. It’s the kind of weather we pretend is unusual, while deep in the knowledge we’ve actually had summers like this every single year for the past two decades, thanks to global warming.
Josie and I lie on our stomachs on opposite ends of the picnic blanket; Josie listening to an audiobook while I pick at the grass, her face obscured by the brim of her massive hat, her lesser-used cane folded up next to her since she left Rudy at home in our slightly-cooler flat.
‘Does anyone fancy a walk?’ Alina starts putting her shoes on from where she’s been basking in the sun a few metres away. When we decline, she gets to her feet and walks away, whipping out her phone to talk to someone in unintelligibly fast Spanish. I’d naïvely assumed my intermittent use of Duolingo had improved my language skills until the first time I overheard Alina speaking to her Colombian mother on the phone. But don’t worry, I can say “where are the eggs?”.
Even in the shade, I’m cooking from the inside; my jumpsuit saturating with sweat any time I stay in one position for too long. After rooting around my tote for my water, I drink half of it in one go, ignoring the sensible part of my brain that tells me I should ration it.
Watching Alina’s retreating form, a thought comes to me. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
Josie frowns, taking out her earbuds to say, ‘Did you say something?’
‘Yeah. Sorry.’ She places them in her case and props her chin on her palm when I start again. ‘Am I the reason you and Alina don’t live together? Are you scared to kick me out?’
She’s silent for a few moments and then bursts out laughing. ‘Oh god, no. If I wanted to live with Alina right now, I would. But she loves her flat and I love mine.Ours.’
‘But you’ll live together someday, right?’
‘I assume so,’ she shrugs. ‘But independence is really important for both of us. We have so much to do individually that we intentionally put a lot of time into working on ourselves. Because then we’ll be the best for each other too, you know?’
God, that’s emotionally mature, isn’t it? I’m out here knocking back shots with a stranger to get in his pants and then proceed to run away when he says the word “cock” one too many times. As if she’s read my mind, she continues. ‘Your way isn’t wrong, by the way. It’s just different from mine. It works for you.’
We’re silent until the truth slips out of me, so quiet it’s almost lost amongst the breeze that rustles the leaves above us. ‘I don’t know if it is working, actually. I’ve been feeling kind of weird about it recently. I think I might be done with one-night stands.’
Josie nods and, the way she always does, patiently waits for me to elaborate. I look out across the common, squinting in the sun. Ican just about see a group of boys playing football, and it reminds me of how my parents used to drag me to watch Max play for the local team every Sunday as kids.
‘Did you know it’s been six years since everything happened with Max? He texted me last night. It’s the first year I’ve forgotten.’ She lets me turn my thoughts over before I speak again. ‘I just can’t believe I had to be reminded.’
‘Was he upset with you for forgetting?’ She knows the answer already.
‘No. He’s always wanted us to move on.’ I relish the next breeze that passes. ‘It’s taken six years for things to stop feeling so precarious. I feel like I can trust my footing again.’
‘So maybe it’s a good sign you forgot. Your brain is telling you to move forward.’
‘I think that’s it. And I think, maybe, if I’m done with one-night stands, it’s because I want to try something a little more permanent.’ Embarrassment turns my cheeks pink at this admission, but Josie doesn’t laugh, or tell me I’m ridiculous. Of course she doesn’t.
‘What would that look like for you?’
‘To start with,’ I say, plucking at the grass, ‘I’m going to try something simple. Just meet a guy and hang out more than once and see how it goes. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.’
‘What if there’s someone in your life already?’
I know who she’s talking about, obviously. ‘That wouldn’t work, Josie. For a multitude of reasons. Starting with my cardinal rule. No mess.’
She shifts up onto her elbows. ‘Explain the other reasons to me.’ She takes a family bag of crisps out of her bag and holds it open in my direction.
‘Because…’ I take a few crisps and gesture vaguely into the air as I think it through.
Because he’s probably leaving soon.
Because I keep people out in order to preserve what little control I have.
