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My fingers hover over my screen for a few moments while I decide what to say.
In that case, I’ll keep it
Just for you
And then I tuck my phone under my pillow and speedwalk to the shower, because I don’t want to see her response.
Julien meets me outside my building, bulky tote bag on his shoulder, and the second he sees me, laughter ripples through him. ‘You look distraught.’
A weak laugh puffs out of me too. ‘Don’t. I’m having a moment.’
‘Any particular reason?’ I meet his eye guiltily and he whoopsas he falls into step beside me, drawing the attention of a family waiting at the bus stop over the road. ‘I fuckingknewit.’
He chews his gum nonchalantly and waits for me to tell him some juicy gossip that doesn’t even exist.
‘Nothing has happened.’ He raises his eyebrows like he doesn’t believe me. ‘I’m just…’
I trail off with a grumble and Julien switches to French in his excitement. ‘Itoldyouand you were adamant you’d never go there. Don’t ever say I don’t know you.’
My brain resolutely sticks to English. ‘I still haven’t gone there andwon’tgo there. I’m not an idiot.’
‘I know I wasn’t entirely on board with it before, but I dunno. Seeing you interact over the past few months, in a weird way, it makes sense. The two of you together.’
‘We’re not together, Jesus. My point still stands. Maybe even more than before. There’s a strong chance I’ll get this job in San Francisco, and she’s got her life here in London—it makes sense to keep this to myself. I’ll be gone soon, and we can just forget about it.’ Before he can butt in again, I add, ‘She’s dating other people. If that’s not proof enough she’s not interested, I don’t know what is.’
For a while, I was under the impression Ava had stopped dating. My naïve subconscious thought it could’ve been because of me. But recently, she’s started up again and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
It started with that guy I set her up with from the office, who, in my defence, I didn’t know a lot about. Specifically, the wall thing. But I knew enough about him that I could predict it would not go well between them. I can admit that. Why did I set her up with someone I knew she was fundamentally incompatible with in the first place? The potential for some funny anecdotes? Hope that maybe after a disaster she’d just give up dating entirely?
‘Or,’ he reasons, ‘maybe she’s dating other people becauseyousuggested the two of you be friends.’
His smile is bright on his face while I scratch at the scruff on my jaw. Because yes, it’s itchy, but obviously I’m keeping it. ‘Can we just move on?’
‘Fine.’ We wait at a crossing, stepping out when the coast is clear. After a few moments, Julien asks, ‘How did your meeting go with that woman’s daughter the other day?’
‘It was good,’ I say, eager for the distraction. ‘I passed her information over to Miranda so hopefully she’ll be able to replace me when I go.’
Sure, I could’ve told Ava that my so-called date with Alex at the restaurant was actually just an informal business meeting, but then I wouldn’t have witnessed a new version of her. I’msureshe was jealous. Not enough to admit it to herself, and certainly not to me, but enough to make her so frustrated she popped her own bubble of personal space to get in mine. Not correcting her misunderstanding about my intentions with Alex felt like a rare situation where I had any semblance of control.
‘It’s weird that you’re leaving,’ Julien sighs. ‘I’ve only just got used to having you around again. You sure you don’t want to stay?’
The truth is, even if I hadn’t got so much as an interview for this San Francisco job, I’d be leaving anyway. It won’t be long before I’ve outstayed my welcome in London and I’ll need to leave, whether it’s for this job or another consulting gig somewhere else. That’s the way it always goes.
‘You’ll just have to miss me.’ I slap a hand on his shoulder, careful to avoid his bag. It’s filled with what I can only assume are bottles of wine from the sommelier course he started and stopped a few months ago. I’m in the mood to drink at least three. ‘Think you can remember how to do that?’
Julien throws his head back for one of his giant laughs, andsays, ‘I have more than enough experience.’ While moving around so much as a child turned into a lifelong habit for me, it had the opposite effect on Julien. ‘You’re always welcome on my couch. Well, no. Not always. Two weeks, max. Three, if you’re willing to clean.’
‘You say this as if cleaning isn’t one of my all-time favourite activities.’ My apartment is spotless, but I can’t wait to move into a new place and hopefully, maybe, finally be allowed to move the fucking mugs around.
‘I mean this in the kindest way, but you need to get laid.’
‘Oh my god, fuck off. I don’t see your love life thriving at the moment either.’
‘Yeah but I’m also notmoping. Remember when we used to go on dates to the same bars and meet in the bathroom halfway through?’ He takes longer strides along the pavement and I force myself to keep up. ‘Nowadays, all you do is clean your flat, gallivant around London and pine.’
I pretend I didn’t hear the final part of his sentence. ‘Tidy apartment, tidy mind.’
‘How’s that working out for you?’
