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Because in my heart, I know I’m not enough for someone like him. I’m not warm or loving or kind, and he deserves someone who can give him everything; no caveats. I hope he finds that one day.
I let my lungs empty before I tell herthe most important reason. ‘Because we really are friends. And I don’t have many of those. I don’t want to ruin that.’
Like she’s done many times in my presence, with those eyes pooled with ever-flowing wisdom, she says simply, ‘Okay.’ She grabs a crisp and nibbles the edges. ‘You’ve been happier than I’ve seen you in a while. Getting out more. I think having Finn in your life is good for you.’
I don’t have the heart to tell her that this job he’s trying to get is on the other side of the world. She’s finally stopped worrying about me. It’s probably nice for her that I’m not draining the joy out of the room anymore. ‘He’s successfully done what you’ve been trying to do since we moved here.’
‘Right? The minute I get too busy after work, you find someone else to spend all your free time with. Maybe you just never wanted to hang out with me.’
‘I will always want to hang out with you.’ Through a crisp-filled mouth, I add, ‘Even if you’re someone who willingly chooses ready salted crisps as opposed to literally any other, better flavour.’
She grabs the bag back from me with a laugh just as Alina returns.
‘What did I miss?’ she asks, flopping down on Josie’s other side.
‘Ava’s on the hunt for someone to date. Like, actually date-date.’
Alina digs her hand in the crisp bag and, like a normal person, grabs a fistful and launches them into her mouth in one go. ‘Any candidates?’
‘I was chatting to a guy on Hinge this morning.’ I take out my phone to find him. He’s not my usual type, but that could work in my favour. I need to try something new. ‘He’s a climber. Very into… climbing things, I guess. Big fan of adventure.’
‘Sounds just like you,’ Alina deadpans.
‘I’ll have you know I like adventure. Iliveforit.’
‘Going to big Tesco instead of Aldi is not an adventure,’ Josie points out.
I flick a beetle off my leg with a barely-concealed squeal. ‘I can be outdoorsy too. I’ve been doing the same kinds of dates on repeat, so when he suggested I join him for a climbing session soon, I agreed.’ Josie looks wary, which is made worse when I add, ‘I might have told him I am also a big climbing fan.’
She sighs. I’ve noticed she sighs a lot before starting her sentences to me. ‘Why would you tell him that?’
‘How hard can it be? Everyone’s doing it nowadays.’ Maybe if I say it enough times, I’ll believe it.
‘You’re a very capable woman, Ava.’
‘I sense a “but” coming.’
‘But I wouldn’t necessarily say you have the best hand-eye coordination. In fact, I’m pretty confident in saying you have the worst coordination of anyone I know.’
‘Please, tell me how you really feel.’
Max is sporty, so surely there’ssomehint of athleticism coded in my genes too.
Suddenly the boys playing football yell, ‘Heads!’
A fraction of a second later a football comes flying our way.
While Josie does the sensible thing and clutches her head like she’s in the brace position on an aeroplane, I try to catch the ball, but it slides past my fingertips to land just behind our blanket. By the time I’ve picked it up to throw it back to them, the person it belongs to has already started to jog over to our spot in the shade.
The moment he spots me, his mouth drops open in a perfect “o”.
Whenever Finn stands in direct sunshine, I wonder if it grew him. I can almost imagine him, incubated by a warm glow, growing into a human from the tiniest seed of light.
I sent my last text to him this morning and proceeded to mute notifications because I didn’t want to read his reply. For some reason I said “the ladies love stubble”. Looking at him now, backlit by the sun, hair tousled from playing football, I can confirm that yeah, it’s me, I’m ladies. God, it should be illegal to look put-together on a day as hot as this.
‘Hi,’ I say, launching the ball back to him. Even though it was the throw of a dizzy three-year-old, he catches it smoothly.
‘Hey,’ he says quietly. He’s not wearing his glasses, so I can better see the way his smile illuminates his whole face, stretching upwards into the wrinkles around his eyes. Then, noticing Josie and Alina, he adds, voice clearer and brighter, ‘Josie! It’s so good to see you.’
