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Things between us might be very fucking complicated, and I have no idea where the lines even are any more. I’m not going to change my mind. I don’t want a girlfriend. And I think if Em’s being completely honest, she does want a boyfriend. She wants a guy that’s going to introduce her to his parents and be proud he’s dating her. This means we’re going nowhere good. We will both end up hurt.
Despite knowing this, I’m still willing to jump in head first with what we have now. I don’t know what it is, but I crave this. Not just the sex, but the connection we have too. I’m not ready to give her up yet. So, I’m going to hold on for as long as she will have me, savouring every moment because I know we’re on borrowed time. I just have no idea how long it will be until we both have to walk away broken.
CHAPTERTHIRTEEN
EMMALEIGH
LEE
Show me!
Ichuckle as I read Lee’s text. In fact, it’s the same text he’s sent me over the last half an hour. I’ve become so engrossed texting and flirting with Lee, it’s taken me so much longer to get ready than it normally would.
I’m going on my first proper night out in months. The last couple of times the girls from work have invited me over, I’ve not been able to go. I’ve either been on shift, my body has let me down in some way, or I had a broken foot. A couple of times they’ve invited me, and I just haven’t physically been able to manage it.
It’s no secret to anyone who knows me, I’m a homebody. I joke saying my spirit animal is a sloth, but it’s true. My ideal evening would be curled up in my PJs, under a comfy blanket, binge watching some murder TV show. If you can throw in Lee and some good food, that's perfect.
It’s not that I’m too lazy to go out. When I say it’s my body, I really do mean it. The further into the day we get, the more my body starts to sag. I know everyone gets more tired the later in the day it gets, but mine is something so much more than that. Some days it will feel like I’ve physically ran a marathon, and in addition to being super tired, my limbs will ache and my body feels so heavy. It’s like I’m trying to wade through mud, just to do even the slightest of things. And that’s before you add in the dizziness, blurred vision, and tingling sensation I get in my limbs.
I know in my heart that there’s something not right, but it’s not like that all the time. In fact, some days—like today—I’m barely having any problems. I’ve been able to get ready for my night out without feeling any of the symptoms I’m used to.
This, of course, is great for me, as it means I probably stand a chance of having a good night. But, it also makes me question how real the symptoms are in the first place. It’s hard to argue with a doctor when the symptoms aren’t there all the time, and I can’t work out what the hell does bring them on. I guess, for now, I have to trust the doctors when they say it’s nothing serious.
I push all thoughts of my failing body to one side, and enjoy the fact I feel okay at the moment. I smooth down the front of my navy lace dress, and admire it in the mirror for a second. It’s a short navy dress with a beautiful lace overlay. It stops mid thigh, but there’s a couple of layers of tulle under the dress, making it flare out the way a ball gown would, if it were full length.
The dress is sleeveless with two thick straps over either shoulder, and the front dips down into a deep V that stops just below my boobs, giving me a very impressive cleavage—thanks to the black push-up bra I’m wearing underneath. There’s a matching V in the back, but it goes a little lower, dropping to just above my lower back.
Despite showing off a little more flesh than I’m used to, the dress is incredibly gorgeous, and is the right combination of sexy and classy. I was worried at first that the navy colour would clash with my purple hair, but it doesn’t. I’ve styled my long hair in curls, pulling the front section back into a clip that looks like my hair is half up and half down. The silver sparkly clip I’ve used matches the look perfectly, and glistens in the light.
To complete the look, I add a pair of navy high heels, and the height they give me makes my legs look so long. I’m not usually a fan of dresses, particularly short ones as they show off a bit more leg than I typically feel comfortable showing. But today I just knew this was the dress. I’ve had it in my wardrobe for over a year, and I’ve never had the opportunity or the confidence to wear it.
As I apply red lipstick that makes my lips pop, I can’t help but think about how much being with Lee has helped me. He makes me feel alive, which I didn’t even realise was something I needed until it happened. It’s like I’ve spent my whole life half asleep, just wandering around in a daze, until finally he brought me to life. He makes me love myself, and that’s a heady feeling. Sadly it’s been far too long since I experienced anything like that.
Grabbing my phone off the side, I mess about with camera angles in front of the long length mirror on my bedroom wall. I have to confess, I’ve never taken a picture of myself using a mirror, but if I am going to do it, you can be bloody sure I’m getting it right.
I take several photos and choose one that shows off the dress the best—which is code for… the image that makes my boobs look the best and pulls in my waist. Once I’ve picked the best one, I send it to Lee.
EM
What do you think?
I don’t have to wait too long before his reply comes through.
LEE
Holy fucking shitballs. You look so gorgeous, Em. And that dress… it suits you perfectly. Are you sure I can’t talk you into staying home, so I can come over and get a closer look at that dress? I can see what it looks like on the floor too, if you’d like?
I can’t help the fucking grin that spreads across my face. I catch myself in the mirror, and I hate how fucking happy one text makes me. That’s what it’s like with Lee, he doesn’t even need to try and I can feel my stomach fluttering and my heart racing. It may have only been around six weeks since we met, but there’s no denying how I feel about him. Well… I am fighting hard to deny it, but it won’t fucking go away. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself from falling for Lee.
After what he said last week, it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I think what’s confusing me the most is his actions. I mean, we spend every weekend I’m not at work together. We Facetime each other every night, when I’m not at work, and we text when I am. When he’s at my house, it’s not like he’s there as a friend. We cuddle up together, wrapped in a blanket, and binge watch serial killer shows all weekend. I fall asleep wrapped in his arms with my chin on his chest. We go for days out together, and now he wants to go on holiday.
All my friends say this is essentially dating, but without the label. That we’re in a relationship, and he doesn’t even realise it. But I think Lee knows exactly what he’s doing. He keeps telling me to ignore how he acts and focus on his words. We are not dating, and we never will be. I don’t know if that means he wants to date someone else, or he will eventually. But for right now, this is not a relationship, and as much as I may want it to, it’s never going to go that way. He made that very fucking clear when he said I would never meet his parents.
It wasn’t the words he said, as I already knew he had no intention of letting me meet his family, it was the way he said them. It felt like a stab to my heart, and suddenly, all the confidence he’d given me started to strip away. Even though logically I know why I can never meet them, that doesn’t stop the evil part of my brain from starting up. I start to think maybe I’m not good enough to meet his family, like maybe he’s ashamed of me. I’m not the best looking girl… Why would he want to show off someone like me?
That’s why I decided to go out tonight. Normally, if I have a weekend night off, I spend it with Lee. But a couple of my friends from work were going, and they invited me. Though they never expected me to say yes, and neither did I. Lee was equally as shocked that I was going out instead of seeing him. He’s become so used to coming over on weekends when I’m not working, he just assumed this weekend would be the same.
I wanted him to come over. If I had a choice, I would choose a night in with him every time. Which is exactly why I didn’t choose it. The thing with his parents just reminded me that this isn’t going anywhere, and at some point, Lee will no longer be in my life. That scared the shit out of me, and I honestly have no idea what my life would look like without him in it.
