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Even though it’s not even been two full months yet, that doesn’t change anything. I can’t even remember what my life was like without him, and that scares me. It means I have a fucking lot to lose. And now that I know I have feelings for him too, my heart is well and truly on the line. So this is my feeble attempt at keeping it safe.
EM
Thank you. I would love you to come over, but it’s been ages since I’ve had a girls night. We can see each other again soon.
I know that sounds vague as hell, and I’m trying to keep it that way. I’m not trying to play games with Lee… Well, not on purpose. Do I hope he will miss me or wonder if I’m hooking up with someone else? Maybe.
I just want him to think about how he really feels about me. I want him to think about why he acts the way he does with me. More importantly, I want him to think of why he doesn’t want a relationship with me. I need to know if it’s me, or if it’s a relationship in general. I guess I’m hoping a night away will give us both time to think.
LEE
Aren’t I coming over tomorrow? I thought we were delaying fajita Friday to tomorrow?
I can’t help but groan as I read his message. Thankfully a notification flags up on my phone letting me know the taxi I’ve been waiting for is here. I quickly send Lee a reply before putting everything in my bag and heading out.
EM
Sorry, heading out the door now, will text you later.
Well, don’t I feel like shit for not answering him. I’m not the sort of girl to play games, but I think this one might be necessary if I’m ever going to get anywhere. I slide my phone into my bag as I climb into the taxi, just as I feel it vibrate again. I ignore it… though I don’t know how long that will last. I need to put all thoughts of Lee to one side, and just enjoy my night.
CHAPTERFOURTEEN
EMMALEIGH
After a few random shots that left an awful taste on my tongue, and the vodka I used to wash away the bad taste, to say I’m tipsy is an extreme undersell. I’m wasted, but thankfully so are my friends.
The night started so well. I arrived at the pub and got my usual double vodka and lemonade, and went to meet my friends who were already seated at a table in the corner. It’s a typical bar, full of people on a Friday night, all in various states of undress. There’s loud music playing, but it’s quiet enough that if people shout they can hear each other. I know as soon as I’m outside my ears will be ringing.
As I walk my feet stick to the floor, and I try my best to ignore how icky that makes me feel. I catch a couple of guys eyeing me up—or more specifically I should say, they’re eyeing up my impressive cleavage in this dress.
Normally I wouldn’t notice a guy giving me attention, or if I did, I would question his motives. Is he looking at me thinking I look ridiculous in this dress? Is he trying to sleep with a fat girl just to see what it’s like? Or maybe he’s just going to make fun of me at any moment?
None of these things have ever happened, and I can see now, I’m fuelled by my lack of self-confidence rather than evidence of things that have happened in the past. I’m imagining things will happen, but they’ve never happened before, so it’s got to have come from my mind. The toxic thoughts that consume me and prevent me from living life the way I’d like to.
But since meeting Lee, those thoughts don’t come around as often. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still there, and I still have moments where I feel so overwhelmed with things, but overall, I think it’s improved. The big problem is that for the first time, I recognise that guys are checking me out, and I’m confident enough to do something about it… but I can’t.
I can’t bring myself to even look at another guy, because my heart is somewhere else. My heart is pulling me back to the unread message that feels like it’s burning a hole in my bag. I like Lee so much, and even thinking about doing something with another guy is the first step on the cheating ladder. I know it’s probably not, and that I can’t be cheating on him if I’m not even in a relationship with him, but that doesn’t change how I feel.
My friends Gemima and Bessy are already here, and given the way their cheeks are flushed and they’re both trying to talk over each other animatedly with their hands, I would guess they’ve had a few drinks before arriving at the pub.
“Emmie!! You’re finally here,” shouts Gem. I look down at my watch to see it’s a little after nine, which is exactly the time we arranged to meet, so I don’t know why she’s making out like I’m late.
I sit down on the chair opposite Gem, next to Bessy, and I’m about to reply why Bessy cuts me off. “I love that dress, Emmie. It really suits you. I saw a couple of guys checking out your tits,” my blonde friend yells far too loudly given I’m sitting next to her.
Gem leans in closer, her shoulder-length brunette locks falling forward as she looks over the table to get a better look at my dress. Her perfectly made up face curves into a slight smile. “Oh yeah, it’s nice.”
I pinch myself as I try not to roll my eyes. Gemima is one of those people that has to be the queen bee. She has to be the prettiest, with the best clothes, and the hottest boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, she is beautiful, in a very typical sort of way. She knows how to do her make-up perfectly, to frame her almond face. And her brunette locks are always straightened and hair sprayed to the point they barely move at all.
She’s the type of friend you can have an easy, shallow conversation with, but if you’re looking for anything deep and meaningful, you need to avoid Gem. She’s obsessed with gossip, and she’d much rather be the one spreading all the exciting news, than the person they can trust to keep their secret.
I wonder sometimes why the hell I’m friends with her. But the reason stems back to the whole queen bee thing. If you aren’t friends with Gemima, then everyone else isn’t friends with you.
Normally I can’t be assed dealing with her shitty bitchiness, but I really needed a night out, and sometimes she really can be nice. I mean, not often but sometimes.
Besides, Bessy—despite being your typical blonde bimbo—she’s a good friend. Always has something nice to say to me, and even if at times I don’t believe her, it’s good of her to at least try.
Our other friend Kym is probably the one I’m closest to out of the group. She’s a tiny girl at just under five feet tall, and she’s a bit on the curvier side too. I think because of how short she is, it makes her look bigger. She’s got a blonde bob, and wire-rimmed glasses cover her bright blue eyes. She’s got one of those reassuring smiles that makes it seem like she's a second away from pulling you into a hug. That’s probably why she’s so good at giving bad news to a patient's family on the ward.
