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As I considered the possibility, I could finally believe that I might have been the only one to create a wall. Had there ever been another healer of my strength who had feared their own activation like I had? Given what could go wrong with healing power, there must have been some who came to resent it later, after a tragedy had unfolded. But by then they would have already been taught how to use their power, their minds set in the idea of what was and wasn’t possible. Youths with seeds as strong as mine usually traveled to the capital well before activation and began learning the basics of their own affinity.
My wall had kept me safe until I didn’t need it anymore, and then it had kept me safe again when Grey reached into my mind and overturned it. And there was a good chance I had only ever created my wall because of my father.
I didn’t know what to do with that thought. My squeamishness had been the greatest weakness of my life, and yet it had turned into strength. Was it possible my history with my father could do the same thing? And if it did, did that mean I had to forgive him and let go of the ways he’d wronged me?
I wanted to hold onto my anger, but my words from the night before in the hold reappeared, unwanted, in my mind. I had berated Nik, chastising him for not letting go of his bitterness and anger. So why was I clinging onto mine so tightly?
I claimed I didn’t want to be pulled into Nik’s well of darkness, and yet, all the while, I was busily at work creating one of my own. My father had trapped himself in his anger and bitterness, and he had nearly trapped me in it with him. I had broken free, but had I seized my freedom only to make the same mistake and become mired in anger and bitterness of my own?
Phoenix gave his brief, chattering call and nipped at my ear.
“Oi!” I batted at him, coming close enough to unseating him that he had to spread his wings for balance.
“You think I should forgive my father, don’t you, fine sir?” I ran a finger down his back while he regarded me steadily with one beady eye.
Even as I said the words, I felt a heaviness lift off me. The thought of going home still held little appeal, and I would never regain the closeness I had once shared with my father. But at least the thought of one day visiting the farm no longer filled me with revulsion and confusion.
“When was I reduced to this?” I muttered. “Receiving life wisdom from a bird.” I couldn’t help but smile, though. I had enough burdens to carry without lugging around an unnecessary one as well.
“If I’d realized all this three days ago, could I have taught Grey to make his own wall?” I mused to Phoenix. “Is understanding it enough to make a difference?”
I wouldn’t know for sure without trying, and I had no intention of giving Grey any more tips. But I suspected no explanation from me would be enough. Grey wasn’t the sort of person to ever wish away a single portion of his power. If sincerity was required, he would never be able to muster the necessary sentiment.
Someone approached me with a serve of bread and cheese and an apple. I accepted the lunch with a brief thanks and ate it on deck where I stood. As soon as I’d finished, however, I moved toward the door leading below deck.
Forgiving my father had softened my heart enough that I couldn’t stay away from Nik any longer. I had at least had the wind and the sea and the sky to aid me in my reflections. He had nothing but darkness and the creaking of the ship’s sides.
In my haste, I slid down the ladder into the upper hold, only to freeze at the sight of several people sorting through a section of bags and crates. Two of them looked up at my arrival, nodding a wary greeting.
I nodded back, my mouth suddenly dry. Picking a direction at random, I hurried away from them, stopping at a pile of crates and pretending to examine them.
It seemed to take hours for them to finish their task, hauling away several of the bags. Creating a chain, they passed each of the bags up the ladder while I moved on to another pile of crates, pretending not to have found what I was looking for.
When they finally disappeared from view, I let out an explosive breath. I had gotten careless and was lucky none of them had questioned my presence in the hold. I would have to make sure that I came up with a good excuse for the next time I ran into someone.
Hurrying to the closed trapdoor, I climbed down, stopping awkwardly part way down to close it behind me.
Nik appeared, stepping into the light with a glance upward. “That’s new.”
“There were people up there when I came down. They’ve gone now, but I don’t know if they’ll be back.”
He accepted my explanation without comment, and I looked around for Ember. But, of course, it was daytime, so she must have been sleeping back in their makeshift bed. Which left Nik and me to stand and silently regard each other.
I couldn’t read his expression, blaming the flickering lantern light for giving him a foreboding look.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out at last. “I shouldn’t have spoken so harshly to you when all the time I was carrying around the same bitterness toward my own father. I’ve known for a while now that he didn’t deserve the intensity of my anger, but…”
“It’s not so easy to let go of.” Nik finished the sentence for me, his words calm and measured.
My eyes flew to his face. What conclusion had he come to down here alone in the depths of the ship?
“I decided to let it go,” I said in a rush. “I won’t ever go back to resume the life I imagined on the farm with my parents, but I want to be able to see them again one day. And I want to remember their love for me without it hurting.”
“And you want me to do the same?” Again his voice was flat, giving away none of the emotion behind it.
I tipped my head to the side, considering his question. “It isn’t about what I want. It’s about what you want. Because I want you to be free, but that doesn’t mean anything unless you want it too.”
“I thought I already was free,” he said. “When I left my old life to wander alone, I thought of it as freedom. And then I met you.”
