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I have to laugh. ‘I couldn’t say male role model.’
‘You drew that sketch: the mole skating on railway lines shaped like a men’s symbol, wasn’t it?’
I nod. And it’s true I used to wrestle with the notion that it’d be good for Gethin to have more male influences, while doing little about it. But that wasn’t about the donor, was it?
‘You should have talked to me about the letter. You just posted it along with his birthday card.’ I say, determined to get back to my high ground.
‘I texted you about it a few weeks ago, offered to meet up. You said you were too busy.’
I tense up against the accusation. I’d forgotten about the text. And when I got the letter with her card, I just shoved it in my bag. I take another sip of my coffee, deflated again.
‘You didn’t have to show him the letter,’ Karen continues.
‘But once I had it, you see, I had no choice. How could I knowingly hide it from him?’
‘Which has always been my point. We can’t undo the information we have.’
‘And that’s why I’m angry you suggested it in the first place.’
‘And if I hadn’t found Don there’d have been no Gethin. Maybe he’ll thank us both in the end.’ She lowers her face to look at me, school teacherly again.
‘Now I’m told he’s off on some idea of finding his ideal daddy.’ I shake my head at her. ‘He doesn’t want to know me anymore.’
‘You’re upset, that’s all. Why do you think he was so angry, anyway?’
I can see Gethin in the restaurant, white faced with rage, shaking the letter at me.
‘He said I hadn’t been truthful with him, that the last thing he needed was some fucker from outer space fucking his head up.’ There’s a niggle trying to surface: maybe he’s right. I had kept quiet about Don, perhaps hoping he’d disappear. I bat the thought down. This is not my fault.
‘So, what makes you think he wants to find him?’
I shake my head. ‘Probably just to get at me. His ex-girlfriend seems to think…?’
‘He needs time.’
‘That’s just what Grace says,’ I snap, annoyed at this pat response. ‘He’s staying at her place – no doubt she’s being very sympathetic. She’s pissed off because I’m not falling over with joy at the idea of her marrying that waster.’
‘Grace, marrying Sebbie?’
‘Don’t go there!’ I can feel tension rising in me again, remembering how Grace was when I bumped into her yesterday. Perfectly civil, promising to take a message to Gethin, but leaving me feeling I have no-one left to talk to.
‘You need to look after yourself. You’re so wired, it’s not helping anything.’ Karen reaches for my hand again, but I pull it away. She’s right, I am wired.
I look at the clock above the door. It’s nearly one.
‘Oh, God, I can’t face going back to work. I walked out of the team meeting after Jeanelle casually mentioned we’re probably losing our funding.’
‘So, ring in sick.’ She pauses. ‘Maybe you should go to the doctor, get something to help you calm down.’
‘You think I’m mentally ill?’ My heart thumps with my indignation.
‘Pat, I’m just worried about you. I need to go back to work myself now. Why don’t you go home? I’ll call you later.’
‘I’m not your bloody pupil. My art’s being scrutinised, my job’s on the line, and my son’s eighteenth birthday has been ruined.’ I stand up, blood pounding in my head, and pull my bag over my shoulder. Ignore that patronising concerned look of hers and leave.
Take the high road – Gethin
Today is up there for Most Pointless Day Award, and there has been some competition. Ben may have been cool with me staying last night, but it being the evening before his last exam (totally didn’t remember that) pretty much kicked off the spare part feeling. The novelty of free games on my iPhone wearing thin as I sprawled on Ben’s bed while he churned out incomprehensible maths formulae on scraps of paper for literally three hours. As if I was part of that world just over a year ago! Though when Ben adds the tunes of Mykki Blanco, his latest gay hip-hop idol, it’s like he’s going for some unique Iranian camp geek award. I tried to doze after he left this morning, but I was too wound up by the sounds of his mum and the kids she looks after. Seizing the moment when I heard them go out to get out myself.
