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Karen stirs her hot chocolate. ‘Pat, please can you start from the beginning. I do not know what you’re talking about.’
‘Really? You don’t remember deciding unilaterally that Gethin should have details about his biological father?’
She stirs her drink again, as if it’s the most important task in the world. ‘I’ve only ever wanted the best for Gethin. All I’ve done is tried to support you.’
She looks hurt now, that way she pulls her arms tighter around her. But her hurt doesn’t match my anger, I don’t believe in it.
‘You didn’t want kids, that’s what you told me twenty years ago. But you couldn’t leave me to it, could you?’
‘Pat, please. What the fuck is the matter?’ Her voice is a stagey whisper.
‘I’m telling you, aren’t I? From being the least judgemental person ever, suddenly you knew best about everything. I shouldn’t let him have MMR, I should involve you in his parents’ evenings, even after we split up. Why didn’t you have your own bloody kid?’
Karen puts her head in her hands. When she looks at me there are tears in her eyes.
‘I tried to have a child, about eight years ago. I didn’t tell you, didn’t tell anyone,’ she says so quietly that I’m not sure I heard it.
I stare at her pale round face; there are deeper lines around her eyes that I haven’t noticed before.
‘You what? Why on earth didn’t you say?’
‘I don’t know. I suppose I didn’t want a public disappointment.’
‘Public? Hello, this is me, Pat? It’s hardly a bloody press release.’
Flash of memory of when I first met Karen. Dykes Against Clause 28 emblazoned across her chest, so bright and friendly to everyone, as if she never expected the slightest hostility. She’d have old ladies taking stickers for their shopping bags, young lads laughing as they signed the petition.
‘You know, I remember you as totally open with everyone, then you don’t tell mesomething as important as that? I can’t get my breath.’
‘We weren’t together by then, and I felt like keeping it private,’ Karen says quietly.
I slouch forward onto the table, suddenly deflated and exhausted. Remembering for the first time in ages those early heady days with Karen. The Manchester Clause 28 demo: spring sunshine, colour and noise, Karen’s bare arm through mine… We’re Here, We’re Queer… peachy softness of her skin, scent of clean sharp sweat and coconut, riding the whistling chanting pride of it all to sleep together that night. How did we get from there to here?
Karen strokes my hand. ‘I’m sorry, Pat. Not the right moment to bring that up.’
‘I felt you withdrew from Gethin after we split up. Now I’m wondering, was that why?’
She shakes her head. ‘No, it was just, he didn’t want to stay at my place, it was difficult to keep connected.’
‘He said there were always loads of jokey women around. As if you couldn’t cope with him on your own,’ I say, gentle as I can.
She takes her hand back. ‘He was bored, mainly. It was better when I started taking him bowling.’
‘That was a while ago, you hardly see him these days.’
‘He’s a teenage boy, he’s not that interested,’ she says, a hint of exasperation. She scoops out a piece of marshmallow from her drink.
‘Well, I’m truly sorry you couldn’t have a child. I wish you’d told me.’ I take a sip from my coffee and feel its milky warmth in my empty stomach.
‘I wish things could have been different. But I still don’t understand why you’re upset with me now.’
‘You forced that letter from Don on Gethin,’ I say slowly.
‘Pat, we both acknowledged that as I couldn’t un-know who the donor was, it would be good to get something for the child in his own words. It’s just not true that I forced it on him.’
‘I remember when Gethin was about six, asking if he ever wondered about the kind man who donated sperm for him. He just looked puzzled, said no, and changed the subject. I couldn’t help feeling gratified that he seemed to have no need of a father figure. As far as we were concerned it was just me and Gethin. That’s all I ever wanted it to be, you see? And I forgot about the letter, really.’
‘You used to talk about needing men involved in his life. Remember the Rail Mole Model?’ She smiles at me, her full lips spreading.
