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‘You reckon? I love your recklessness – I’m so not a risk-taker.’
‘Well, you risked coming to Scotland in the first place, didn’t you?’ I take a drag, lean back on my elbows.
Gethin considers for a moment. ‘I’ve literally never done anything like that before, as in spontaneously jump on a bus to nowhere. No luggage, no ready cash. No idea where I’d stay…?’
I hand him the spliff and he smokes a bit. Deep in thought.
‘That’s mostly how I’ve lived my life,’ I say. ‘I first left Blackburn aged seventeen. More on the run, right, from this Hell’s Angel geezer I got involved with after dumping my nice safe boyfriend, Stan. Going with the random adventure, as per usual. Maybe I’m more afraid of staying put.’ Is that actually true? Or do I think I have to provide some psycho-babble reason for how I am?
‘But look where it’s taken you?’ Gethin leans round so he’s half facing me. ‘As in you found Ken and you didn’t run from him dying. And then you spend his gold on the great adventure of that bike…?’
‘And pick up a fucked-up eighteen-year-old lad, right?’ I joke.
‘Obviously, the biggest risk of all!’ he adds, dimple twitching. He passes the spliff to me. ‘Seriously, though, I’m glad you’ve been able to open up with me. All that stuff about your real mum, I could see how painful it is for you.’ He leans closer. Holds me in a steady gaze with those dark pool eyes.
‘Yeah, well, it was the whales that got me worked up,’ I mumble.
‘Even that, I’m literally only starting to feel it now. Thinking about what you said, how crap is it we didn’t even go back to the whales on the beach?’ He moves to rest his hand by the side of my thigh.
I shift away from him. Really can’t go there.
He moves to close the gap again. His knee jiggling as he speaks. ‘But it’s brought us so close, that like shared experience. And I am so inspired by how you found a connection with Ken – I properly need to take a risk with Don, know what I mean?’
So much for getting frigging stoned and laid back. His intensity is freaking me out.
‘Look, you’re reading too much into everything. It’s all spur of the moment with me, right?’
‘So, you nurse your dying dad and find out painful shit about your mum. Totally nothing deep about that, is it?’ He squeezes my thigh as he moves his face closer. Lips parted. Ready to kiss.
I shove the spliff at him. Get up and take a step back.
‘Just get off my bleeding case, will you?’ I hiss.
‘What the fuck?’ He kicks his heel hard into the ground. ‘So sorry for giving a toss.’
I pull my arms tight across my chest. Can’t explain. Just don’t want this.
‘Afraid to stay put, is it?’ he persists. ‘In case you find you give a fuck about something?’
I clench my teeth against the rising desire to get the heck away.
‘Jez?’
‘I can’t do all this picking over wounds, right?’ I say, angry at being pushed. ‘So maybe, yeah, time to move on again.’
‘Well, excuse me for putting my shoulder in the way for you to cry on.’ He gets up. Takes the last toke. ‘I may be a fuck up, but at least I’m open about it.’
He throws the butt at me, clambers up a little shale path on the grass bank behind us.
I light a fag, my hands shaking. Sit back on the jetty. Let him go. We had a good time, leave it at that.
‘Tell you what, Jez?’ he shouts from above. ‘Never mind the shoulder, what about the joy-stick? Was that a close enough ride for you?’
I look to see him halfway up the cliff, doing a wanking gesture before he disappears behind a boulder.
Smoke my cigarette to calm the thumping in my chest.
‘Fuck You, Jez! Fuck Fuck Fuck You!’ His cursing echoes round the inlet. The last word turns to a scream and then a couple of thuds.
