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I ran my lips slowly over her tongue until she started panting, then slid my hands under her skirt and played with the seam of her panties until I pushed the fabric aside and felt the dampness on my fingertips, on my skin. I didn’t care if we were outside; there was no one around. Just darkness. Just us. I sank a finger into her softly, and she arched, leaning against my chest. I held her around the waist.
“Look at me, babe. With you, it’s always more, so much more. Different. Another way of living. I thought I knew before but everything’s different. Don’t you feel that?” I whispered, and when she nodded and a sigh escaped her, I felt pushed to move my fingers faster, deeper. I wanted to mark her with my hands. Draw her, her pleasure; the two concepts together. “Let’s go home.”
We stumbled down the road until we reached the door. I slammed it closed as Leah unbuttoned my shirt and pushed it over my shoulders. I took off her T-shirt and dropped it in the middle of the living room before lowering her skirt. We kissed as we walked to the bedroom, tripping, hugging, panting, her hanging around my neck and pressed into my chest.
“What the fuck have you done to me?” I whispered.
Because that was the question that consumed me at all hours of the day. At what exact moment had I lost my mind over her, what was the phrase or gesture that made it happen, when did I start belonging to her––because I did, even if my pride would never let me say it aloud.
“I want to give you everything.” She looked at me and shivered.
“You have.”
When our lips collided fiercely, she knelt in front of me. I held my breath. She took me into her mouth and I thought I would die. I breathed deeply, slowly, almost in time to her movements, which were slow and soft at first, but then turned more intense. God damn it, were they intense. I sank my fingers into her hair. Fuck. Her lips. Her tongue. Her mouth felt incredible. I tried to control myself, to hold back a little longer, but a shiver of pleasure ran though me when her eyes looked into mine as she caressed me with her mouth.
“Babe…I’m going to come…”
I tried to pull away, but she kept going. I put my hands on the wall in front of me and let out a hoarse cry when I emptied myself between her lips. It was devastating. From another planet. I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath of air, shaking like a little boy. I wanted for her to come back from the bathroom a minute later to grab her cheeks and kiss her over and over. Leah laughed as she hugged me.
“Jeez, I guess you liked it.”
“It’s not that…” I picked her up and carried her to the bed.
“What is it then?”
“Love,” I whispered.
I know what lust was, pleasure, the longing to reach climax. But until she came into my life, I had known nothing of love, the need to satisfy another person, to give them everything, to think about them before you.
“Axel, what do you think of love?” she asked, lying in the white sheets.
“I don’t know. Nothing in particular.”
“You always have an answer for everything.”
“I guess I think of you.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Well, that’s the only truth I have. All I know is that I would happily spend my whole life like this. Talking with you. Fucking you. Dreaming of you. Everything with you. Do you think that’s love?”
Leah smiled, cheeks red.
She was so precious I wanted to draw her.
94
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Leah
We are almost never aware of how happy we are when we are. We usually remember it and value it afterward: that family meal that you thought would be dull and turned out to be a blast, things that happen and you have no idea they’ll turn into stories you’ll always remember, that afternoon when you end up cracking up with your best friend until your stomach aches, the day you’re lying on the sand being kissed by the hot sun and you think you have it all. Those kinds of moments you enjoy so much you don’t stop to treasure them because you’re there, right there, living them, feeling them, in the present.
But with him, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Happiness, the word was on the tip of my tongue every morning, just before I woke and gave him a slow kiss. I think it was because a part of me already knew it wouldn’t end well, that I needed to hold on to all those moments we were experiencing together because I would remember them for years and they would be the only thing I could hold on to.
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