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Axel
I noticed something. a soft crack, but I didn’t pay any attention to it until I heard the noise of a couple of steps on the wood of the living room floor. I opened my eyes wide. I don’t know how the fuck I managed to get out of bed and put on a bathing suit from the top drawer, my heart suddenly in my throat. Leah murmured something incomprehensible, still half asleep, but I hardly paid attention. I crossed my room in two long steps and grabbed the door frame. Shit. Fuck. Shit.
Justin looked at me, keys in his hands, an incredulous expression on his face. His eyes veered toward the clothes we had left scattered around on our way to the bedroom, and then looked into Leah’s empty room before staring back at me.
“What the fuck have you done, Axel? What the fuck…?”
He brought his hands to his head, and I closed the door so Leah wouldn’t come out just then, even if the situation couldn’t get any worse. Justin’s expression said it all. There was nothing to explain, he’d grasped everything.
I swallowed slowly. I could hardly breathe. “I told you that key was for emergencies only.”
“Fuck me! That’s all you’ve got to say to me? Are you out of your goddamn mind? Where the fuck is your head? Of all the things you’ve ever done, I swear, this is… You’ve crossed the line this time. But you don’t get that, do you? You think you’re above everyone else; you just stare at your belly button and everyone else can go fuck themselves.”
“Lower your goddamn voice. You’re going to wake her up.”
Justin looked at me in shock. I was too, because that was far from the best thing I could have said at that moment, but I was angry and scared and more bewildered than I’d ever been. I bit my tongue to keep from saying anything else stupid and walked out the back door. My brother followed me. The morning sun was burning high in the sky. I walked down the trail until the grass gave way to sand. Then I stopped and took a few deep breaths, keeping my eyes focused on the sea.
“It’s not what you think, it’s not some fling…”
The wind rustled my brother’s brown hair. “Explain it, then. Make me understand, because right now I don’t know what to do with this, Axel. This never even passed through my mind…”
“Mine either. What can I tell you, Justin? It just happened. What do you want me to say? I fell in love with her. I didn’t want to, but I also don’t know what’s wrong with it. It doesn’t feel wrong.”
“Fuck, Axel.” He walked away a bit.
I gave him time and a little space. I waited in the middle of the beach while he walked back and forth with his brow furrowed, muttering the occasional curse word. I would have laughed in any other situation, but that day I was about to have a heart attack. I walked over to him when my impatience got the best of me.
“Justin, say something. Say whatever.”
“You’re in love with her?” He looked at me cruelly.
“Don’t make me repeat it.”
“Today’s not the best day for you to joke around, Axel. Fine, it happened, let’s accept that. Things like this do, but that doesn’t change the thing that really matters. You need to talk to Oliver. Now.”
“I can’t. Not yet.”
“Why?” He crossed his arms.
Because I’ll fucking lose him. Because I hate the word consequences. Because I’m scared of what will happen. “I need to find the perfect way to tell him. When I do, I need him to understand. It’s not that easy, okay? At first, I just wanted to see where it went, but now…it’s even more fucked up.”
“You’ve really screwed up this time.”
“God damn it, Justin, I know!” I shouted.
But then, instead of replying with one of his usual stiff replies, he walked over and hugged me. I stayed there feeling dull and cold because I couldn’t remember the last time I’d hugged my brother. I clapped him on the back, still surprised, and drew the hug out as I recalled my father talking about Justin’s jealousy when we went out to dinner. My brother looked at me and shoved me on the shoulder.
“Everything will be okay, you’ll see. Who else knows?”
“No one.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“What did you expect?”
“It’s fine… I mean…well…I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” I said.
