Page 100 of All That We Never Were

I said goodbye to them after a bit and walked home. I stopped at the Nguyens’ café and greeted Justin from the door. He was surprised to see me.

“Well, look who’s here.”

“I was just passing by.”

“Who is it?” Georgia emerged from the kitchen and smiled when she saw me. She wiped her hands, which were coated with flour, on her apron and gave me a hug so tight she squeezed the air out of me. “You look so pretty, dear.”

“You want anything?” Justin asked.

“Not for here, but I was thinking of taking a piece of cheesecake home with me.”

“Sure. I’ll pack it up for you to go.”

She ran her fingers through my hair and rubbed my cheek as if I had a spot on it.

“Something wrong?” I asked, worried.

“No, just a scratch.”

I hugged her again, without warning, catching her off guard. Her and me. It was an impulse. I don’t know if it was because of the way she had always worried over me, over all of us. Even if she was sometimes wrong to do so, I liked that warmth and familiarity. When I let her go, I saw she had tears in her eyes and was trying to wipe them away.

“Sorry, I just…I don’t know…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, dear. You know? I really needed a hug. Especially one from you, sweet as you always are. Come on, give me another cuddle.”

And she let me hug her again and closed her eyes, content. We pulled apart when a customer came in.

“Here, come with me to the kitchen.”

I stayed there awhile with Axel’s mother, just keeping her company, though we didn’t talk much. It made me remember the afternoons I used to spend with her and my mother in the kitchen at home, sitting on a stool while they cooked and I listened to them talk about their things, their day-to-day lives, the silly stuff their husbands did sometimes, and their plans for the weekend. I loved how they let me listen to their grown-up conversations, because it was like opening a window to a world different from the one Blair and I shared at school.

84

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Axel

I knew by the sound of the door Leah was home, but I didn’t move. I stayed there on the porch, elbows on the railing, a cigarette between my lips, watching the smoke twist before the wind drove it away.

Then I felt her arms wrap around me from behind. I closed my eyes. I felt like shit those days every time she left the house and the weight of guilt came down on me. But I was happy again when she came back and greeted me with one of those huge smiles that took up her whole face.

“How was your afternoon?” I asked.

“Good. I was with Blair and Kevin for a while. Then I went to the café and I brought you a piece of cheesecake,” she said, standing beside me and kissing me. “Your favorite.”

I pulled her in, devouring her until I was breathless. I stroked her tongue slowly with mine, as if it was our first kiss, because with Leah everything was like that, as if every kiss I’d ever had was just a rehearsal for when she arrived. I didn’t want to think why or when or how, because I was afraid of what I might discover, that maybe I’d always felt something for her. Not love. Not desire. But a connection, as if that halo in her pictures that drew me in was an invisible thread that somehow tied me to her.

“What’s up?” She looked at me with worry as we separated.

“Nothing. I missed you.”

“Missed you, too.”

“Let’s go make dinner.”

I stopped thinking about anything. Just about her being there, the dimples in her face when she smiled, the finger she brought to her mouth when she tasted the sauce, which made me hard right away, the shimmer in her eyes every time she looked at me.

We had a relaxed dinner on the porch, and she washed the dishes while I heated up water for the tea. I sat down on the cushions and Leah sat between my legs with her back to my stomach. I lit a cigarette and held my hand at a distance so the smoke wouldn’t bother her. The music was audible from the living room. It was perfect, and I had the feeling it was not the first night we were that close, that there had been many others, but with different forms, colors, and textures. It was natural to me to wrap my free hand around her waist and pull her closer to me. She took a deep, calm breath.

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