Page 101 of All That We Never Were

“I can hear your heart from here,” she said.

“What’s it sound like?” I took a drag.

“I don’t know. You. Things. I wish I could paint it.”

“Paint a sound…” I whispered. “Good luck with that.”

Leah laughed softly and we fell silent again. I didn’t need to talk when I had her close. I closed my eyes while “Pepperland” played. I thought how that night was like all the ones I had spent alone on that porch through the years, but just more…just more, period.

“What do you like about me?”

“Everything.” I smiled because I couldn’t remember anyone asking me something so girlish. But I liked it.

“Come on, don’t be shy.”

“Your ass, your tits, your…”

She pinched me on the arm, grumbling, then I spoke into her lips.

“I like the sound of your laugh, I like your contradictions. How intense you are, almost overwhelming. I like the way you feel and trying to guess what you’re going to say, even if I’m always wrong. I like this house when you’re in it…”

She hushed me with a kiss. I separated her legs, sat her straddling over me, and slid my tongue into her mouth. Leah sank her fingers in my hair while we dry-humped. A wave of heat passed through me and I could only think of being inside her, as if that was where I belonged forever.

“You’re killing me,” I panted.

“You’re killing me. You have been for years.”

I was blinded. All I could perceive was how good she smelled, how soft her skin was, how sweet her voice was whispering my name. I put my hands on her thighs, and pulled down her cotton shorts and her underwear before doing the same with mine and plunging inside her. Without a condom. I held my breath and clenched my jaw, trying not to move. I moaned when she did, dancing over me, sinking her nails into my back.

“Wait…fuck, wait…”

But she didn’t seem to hear me, and I lost all sense of reason when she looked me in the eyes as she fucked me on that porch where I had started to fall in love with her. I held her hips, listening to her breath, wanting to tear off what clothes she still had on to caress every inch of her body with my fingertips.

I was out of breath as I saw her orgasm under the stars. So powerful over me, so committed to that instant without thinking of anything else. I clenched my teeth when a lash of pleasure struck me, and pulled out before coming in my hands with a groan.

She hugged me. I tried to catch my breath.

“Leah, this isn’t… Never again…” I managed to say.

“I’ve taken precautions,” she said, shaking.

“You should have told me.”

“I…I couldn’t think about anything else.”

I calmed down and kissed her on the cheek. “We need a shower,” I said, picking her up.

I took off my dirty clothes as we walked through the living room, and I stripped her naked after putting the plug in the bathtub and running the hot water. I looked at her from every angle, noticing every line, every curve, every mark on her skin.

Leah blushed. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing. Go on, get in the tub.”

Memorizing you to draw you, I told myself, but I pushed that thought out of my mind, because I would never do that, would never paint her; there was no way I could capture her.

I sat behind her, hugging her, and turned off the water when it was near the edge. We got into the bath with the music still playing in the living room. I leaned my chin on her shoulder and closed my eyes.

“Yellow Submarine” started playing. She moved.

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