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I went to the kitchen to grab the packet. When I returned, Leah was sitting on the hammock, swinging shyly and watching me. I lit a cigarette and took a long drag before finding the right words, if they even existed.
“I think we should take some time. You know, to see how everything works. And then, I don’t know, I don’t have a plan; it’s not like I saw this coming. I’m just making it up as I go along and trying not to think too much.”
“Fine. We won’t think about it.” She said this with a furrowed forehead.
“Come on, don’t make that face.” I put out my cigarette and walked over to her. I stood between her legs and drew a heart on her face with my fingers before tugging at her cheeks. It worked; she laughed.
“Leah, you know how fucked up this is for me, right? It makes me feel guilty. Bad. It’s not a normal situation. It’s tough.”
“Sorry,” she whispered and rested her head on my chest.
We stayed like that for a while, kissing slowly. I don’t know how I had never noticed before how magical a kiss could be. How intimate. Something so little, so lovely. With her all I wanted to do was close my eyes and feel every touch and every breath.
82
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Leah
Before then, i thought love was like a match that catches fire and then trembles as it burns. But no. Love is that soft series of sparks before the fireworks go off. It was his cheek against my chin when I woke, when the sun still hadn’t come up. It was that feeling I got in my stomach when I touched him. It was his slow movements when we made love and his deep voice whispering my name. It was the taste of the sea on his skin. It was my desire to freeze every moment we spent together. It was his intense, mirthful look.
Love was feeling everything in a single kiss.
83
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Leah
Blair cracked up when i told her the latest news. We were lying on her bed in her room looking at the fluorescent stars on the ceiling that glowed in the dark.
I nudged her. “What are you laughing about?”
“I don’t know. You. the situation.”
“Very funny.” I turned around, grabbed a stuffed bear, and cuddled with it. “I’m scared, Blair.”
“Don’t be. You should be enjoying this moment. It’s what you’ve always wanted, right? And now you’ve got it. The boy forever out of reach, the one you always said would never notice you.”
“I thought he never would.”
“Life is unpredictable like that.”
“Right. But…” I slipped a lock of hair behind my ear and thought about what I wanted to say. My nerves were killing me. “It’s too good to be true. And too complicated too. No one knows, just you. I don’t like that, having to hide it, but I understand…I understand it could be a problem. I can’t even imagine how my brother would react if he found out.”
“You’re grown up, Leah.”
“I guess.”
“So fuck it. Maybe he’s right to wait and see how everything goes before getting your families involved. Don’t overthink it; you’ll figure it out when the time comes.”
The doorbell rang and Blair got up to answer. She reappeared in her room with Kevin a few minutes later. I smiled and said hi to him.
“Is it girls’ night? Am I missing any good gossip?” He sat at the chair by her desk.
“If we told you, we’d have to kill you.” Blair kissed him before sitting next to me cross-legged on the bed.
I laughed, pleased to see them so happy together. And because it seemed like just another afternoon in the old days.
