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"Yes," I breathlessly admit as my heart races faster, my blood rushes.
His hand finds the back of one of my thighs and grips it tightly. He pulls it up, hooks it under his arm. "If you need me to stop, just tell me."
I nod my head, place one hand on his arm, wrap the other around his neck. He lines himself up, slowly pushes the tip of himself into me. It doesn't hurt at first. Just feels...tight. I close my eyes, a few moments pass before I start to feel the pressure building as he slowly works his way into me. He kisses my forehead, my closed eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, my lips. His tenderness surprises me, makes something fluttery and strange skip through my chest. But then there's a sharp sting, a stretching feeling. My body tenses beneath him.
"You alright?" he asks, his voice strained, breathy.
I open my eyes and gaze up at him. "It's starting to hurt."
He stills, brings a hand to my head and begins stroking my blond hair gently. "I'm sorry."
I shake my head, lift myself up to bring my lips to his. "Don't be sorry," I say between kisses. "It feels...different. Not bad, just not great at the moment."
He exhales heavily. "I know. I'm trying to be careful it's just…"
"Just what?"
He shakes his head. "I can't believe this is really happening. I...I...fantasized about this so many times."
A smile tugs at the corner of my lips. "Is it as good as you imagined?"
He continues to stroke my head, his eyes never leaning mine. "No, it's so much better."
I'm not sure why, but my eyes choose this moment to fill with tears. They slide down my cheeks, fall into the soft grey pillowcase beneath my head.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" My throat is dry, my heart aches. If he liked me for all those years, why not just tell me?
He chews on the inside of his cheek and shifts slightly above me, pushes further into me. It's still painful, tight, full, but our conversation is distracting. "I didn't think you'd want me."
The words hang between us like a heavy weight crushing my chest. I was too preoccupied with Matt, wistfully thinking he liked me, too. I probably wouldn't have given Kyle the time of day even if I had known.
"I want you now," I reassure him, watching as his dark eyes soften, feeling his heartbeat rapidly against my chest.
He doesn't say anything. Instead, he pushes further into me, filling me completely. A small gasp leaves my lips as the pain sharpens, then eases, disappears completely. All I feel now is discomfort, tightness.
"I'm going to move now," he tells me, kissing more salty tears from my cheeks.
I nod again, tighten my grip on him. He moves slowly in and out, each thrust feels less achy, less foreign. I can feel my body start to relax as his thrusts get a little stronger, less careful. His eyes stay locked on mine the entire time, filled with a string of endless emotion. He's not just having sex with me; he's doing so much more.
"I'm sorry, Jenny," he whispers after a few minutes. "You're so tight. I'm not going to last much longer."
He rocks into me one final time. I watch as his eyes screw shut, his body becomes rigid, and he lets out a loud, throaty moan. I can feel him twitching inside of me as he comes. Watching the pleasure wash over him makes everything feel warm and fuzzy.
When his eyes slowly open, a sheepish grin covers his face. "Fuck Jenny, I don't think I've ever come that much before."
From my limited knowledge, I'd say this whole sex thing was a huge success.
He lays on top of me, keeps himself inside me a little longer. I'm still achy, in need of release again.
"Kyle," I whisper as I run my hand down his sweaty back. "I need, um…"
He kisses my cheek softly before slowly sliding out of me. My body clenches around him, willing him not to leave. But he pulls out, pulls off the condom, discards it somewhere close by, then comes to rest beside me on his side. His fingers find my center, wet and throbbing. They slowly circle my clit, running over it in a leisurely pattern before applying more pressure. His speed is slow, languid. Then he starts moving his fingers faster, up and down. It doesn't take long before I come undone from his touch. This time, my stomach muscles contract and I feel my head lift off the pillow. A soft whisper, "Kyle," fills the space between us.
My chest rises and falls as he lays on his back, reaches for me. I slowly move towards him, rest my head on his shoulder just as his arm finds my back. We lay there for a while, long enough for me to doze off for a few minutes.
But while I'm in between sleeping and waking, there's only one face that keeps appearing.
Matt.
