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I sink into the mattress and bury my head into the pillow. I let the hurt and helplessness and heartache soak the pillowcase until exhaustion takes over and I drift into a deep sleep.
—
Blinding sunlight blazes into the room, golden rays piercing through my closed eyelids. I slowly roll over and put a pillow over my head. Except there's someone sleeping beside me, and I accidentally elbow them in the stomach. I hear a grunt and yank the pillow off my head. I sit up, shocked.
The moment his chocolatey brown eyes come into view, I let out the ugliest sob I've ever heard in my life. I try to rein it in, remember that I have to maturely deal with this whole crappy situation. The one where I, you know, destroyed any chances of having a future with him because I kissed Matt.
But he's here, beside me, home.
Kyle's eyes widen in horror as he struggles to sit up. His arms reach for me, but I hold up my hand and shake my head.
"Fuck, Jenny, just let me hold you for a second," he groans.
I try to move away from him, but I hit the wall. His arms are too quick, and he wraps them around me, pulls me against his chest. His bare chest. He's naked in my bed. With Mom and Dad down the hall.
Swallowing another body-shaking sob, I hold onto Kyle as tight as I can. Before he decides I'm not worth his time anymore. Before he sees who I really am. Before I never have the privilege of his arms being around me again.
After a few minutes of embarrassing blubbering and hiccups, Kyle lets me go.
"Wh-what are you d-doing here?" I croak, my throat dry and scratchy from all the sobbing I did last night.
His hand runs through my hair. "You didn't call me and your phone went straight to voicemail. I tried calling your mom, but she didn't answer either. I was worried so I drove in the middle of the night to check on you."
A soul-crushing weight slams through every bone in my body, breaking and shattering from his thoughtfulness, his goodness, his love.
If I was feeling guilty before, it's nothing compared to the deep remorse I'm drowning in now.
"We need to t-talk," I hiccup. I cover my mouth, mortified by how hard it is to pull myself together.
"What's wrong?" He tilts his head to the side, confused.
"I kissed Matt," I blurt out.
Kyle's hand leaves my hair and my chest crumples, my heart bruises, my insides twist involuntarily.
"Why?"
"What?" I swallow thickly.
"Why did you kiss him?" Kyle asks again.
Tears douse my cheeks as I stare at him. Perfect Kyle. Who would never do this to me. Never cause me the kind of pain flashing in his brown eyes right now.
"I didn't mean to," I begin. "Watching your mom sleep the afternoon away was really sad. Then, Matt told me he's not going to UCLA because he wants to take care of your mom. And he listens to your dad cry all night long. I hugged him because I was upset and when he bent down to kiss me, I let him."
Kyle stares down at the flower sheets on my bed, processing everything I've said.
"It wasn't a kiss-kiss, it was more like a peck," I try explaining through a curtain of tears. "But it doesn't really matter because I shouldn't have let it happen. Right after, I told him it could never happen again and then I left. I'm so sorry I didn't call you last night and tell you," I can hear the sheer panic in my voice. "I should have come home, but I just came here and cried some more before I fell asleep. I never meant to make you worry or for you to drive all this way."
He runs his hand over his face, refusing to look at me.
"Are you mad?"
Kyle clears his throat. "Yes, Jenny. I'm fucking pissed right now."
I want to reach out and brush his arm with my fingertips, but I don't. Because I'd only be doing it to make myself feel better and I don't get to feel better right now. I get to feel like shit.
"I love you," I begin, but have to stop because a heart-wrenching cry leaves my chest. "I love you and I didn't protect your heart. I didn't respect our relationship. I...I wish I had some elaborate speech planned that could tell you exactly why I fucked up so badly, but I don't. I'm a screw up who makes bad decisions and hurts everyone I love."
