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Her best friend is dying.
My heart pulses with this achy, heavy, stony feeling.
"I made a mistake, and I don't know what to do about it," I answer, refusing to meet her gold-and-green-flecked hazel eyes.
She shifts uncomfortably. "What kind of mistake?"
I feel tears forming, but I force them to stay in place. I'm so freaking tired of crying. Although, not for the first time, I wonder how many of those tears I've caused myself.
"I kissed Matt."
If she's surprised, she doesn't show it. "Why did you do that?"
I fall back into the couch cushions as the tears escape. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep them at bay, but they have a mind of their own and drop down my cheeks, onto my chest, soak Kyle's black T-shirt I'm wearing.
Mom lays a hand on my shoulder after a few heavy moments. I lift my head and open my eyes to look at her.
"Do you want to know what I think?" she offers.
"Yes," I let out an anguished breath.
"You've never dealt with your feelings for Matt," Mom frowns.
"They don't matter. I want to be with Kyle. I like living with him. I love being around him," I explain. "I don't want Matt."
"You've never been great at dealing with your emotions," Mom raises her eyebrows. "You tend to sweep them under the rug. Is there a chance you never really worked through your feelings for him?"
Yes. No. Maybe. Probably not.
What was I supposed to do? It's not like I've ever really had a choice in whether we had a relationship beyond friendship. He wanted to feel me up after he asked Audra to Prom. So, I used Kyle to make myself feel better about Matt's initial rejection. Except I didn't think I'd enjoy being with Kyle so much, didn't think I'd actually fall in love with him. Then, when Matt finally decided he wanted to be with me, I was torn between how I had always felt about Matt and the new, intense feelings towards Kyle. It didn't really matter, though, because Audra was pregnant and we couldn't start something then. Not that my heart was really in it then, anyway.
Regardless, I chose Kyle and it wasn't because Matt was unavailable. I chose him because he's honest and smart and hard-working and loyal and loving and...everything I'm not.
I have to tell him that I kissed Matt. I mean, it was more like a peck on the lips, but I let him do it, didn't I? I don't know if Kyle will forgive me or break up with me or kick me to the curb. But he deserves the truth. He deserves to know who sleeps in his bed every night.
Me.
Someone who betrays the person they love.
Someone who's stupid, stupid, stupid.
Someone who's always been unworthy of him. I should have warned him. Should have told him this would happen. That I'd hurt him, disappoint him, betray him.
Why didn't I?
"I didn't deal with my feelings," I tell Mom. "But it doesn't really matter because I love Kyle. Whatever I feel—or felt—for Matt is history. It's in the past."
"I think you're overwhelmed," Mom eyes me with so much pity it makes me sick to my stomach. "You moved too quickly with Kyle. Your life is tied to his in every way. You live together. You sleep together. You work together. What did you think would happen? Did you really believe you'd be able to handle that change? You don't think things through sometimes and then get upset because they backfire."
A lump clogs my throat. And my chest. And my heart.
"I didn't mean to," I honestly respond, my voice small and weak.
"You never mean to, Jenny," Mom shakes her head slowly. "But you still do. You need to start thinking before you jump headfirst into things. You can't walk around doing whatever feels good at the moment. You're an adult now. Start acting like it."
I chew on the inside of my mouth, try to hold in the ocean of tears that want to explode from my eyes. "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment."
Before she can sling any more insults my way, I quickly stand and head back up the stairs to my old room.
