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"Don't cry, Jen," he says quietly as he wipes a few tears off my face. It feels good to be comforted—to be able to feel how I feel without trying to hide it. I hate that I have to hide my sadness from Kyle.
"Do you still hate me?" I ask as his hands settle on my lower back, pulling me tighter against him. I already know the answer, but I want to hear it out loud.
He rubs his thumb against the small of my back. "I've never hated you. I didn't mean what I said. I...I've done a lot of shitty things lately that I'm not proud of. The biggest one is hurting you. I promised you I wouldn’t hurt you and that’s all I’ve done."
I lay my head against his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat as I let more tears fall, grieving for the first time in weeks. For everything that's happened over the past few months. For Diane. For Randy. For Mom. For Matt.
For Kyle.
When I raise my head, Matt's still looking down at me, his brown eyes big and sad and full.
And when he leans forward and presses his lips to mine, I don't stop him.
Chapter 41
Matt's lips press against mine as he kisses me softly. It's a gentle peck, kind of like the ones Grandma gives me when she comes to visit.
He pulls away and stares down at me, his brown eyes surprisingly calm. I swallow nervously, suddenly aware how close our bodies are to one other. I inhale his boyish scent. He smells just like I remember.
Except I don't want him. I want to inhale someone else's smell, have someone else's arms comforting me right now.
I slip out of his embrace and take a few steps back, wiping the tears off my face with the heels of my palms.
"I'm sorry," Matt's voice comes out quiet.
"I shouldn't have…" but I trail off. Shouldn't have what? Shouldn't have put my arms around his neck. Shouldn't have laid my head on his chest. Shouldn't have let him kiss me. Shouldn't have led him on. Shouldn't be here with him.
Silence, tense and thick, pours into the room as we stare at each other. I don't know...I need to get out of here before I say or do something that will only hurt him more. But he's blocking the door and there's nowhere for me to go
"I got caught up in the moment," Matt explains.
"Me too," I nod my head. "It can't happen again."
"I know."
"We're in relationships with other people," I remind him.
"I know." He crosses his arms over his chest.
"I love Kyle."
Kyle.
Oh my god.
What have I done?
"I know, Jen," Matt says, annoyed. He takes a step closer, reaches out an arm towards me.
"I need to go," I tell him. His arm falls back to his side. He reaches behind him, opens the door for me. I walk out of his room and run as fast as I can down the stairs, far away from whatever just happened in his room.
—
Mom is curled up on the couch, a glass of white wine in hand, wearing pale pink pajamas. She's reading one of those romance novels with a half-naked guy on the front. When I sit down beside her, she slips off her glasses and closes the book in her lap.
"What's going on, baby?" she asks. I notice the puffiness around her eyes, the somber look on her face she's trying to hide with a smile.
She's sad.
