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She nodded shakily.
"How long have you known?"
She swallowed hard, then admitted, "A couple of weeks." At my expression, she added, "I've been trying to figure out the best way to tell you with all of this going on and, I don't know, I guess I've just been freaked out."
My mind was a whir. I guess I was still in shock. I had to be, because as chaotic as the inside of my head was, there was no way that anything good was about to come out of my mouth. At least, that's what I would tell myself later when I would think back to how everything began to unravel. Why I would sit there next to this woman who I have been trying to get to take me seriously and just blurt out, "Well, then, I guess that settles it: we have to get married for real."
Her mouth fell open for a second, then snapped shut, and I saw a familiar indignant expression take hold of Reagan's face. "Excuse me? Adam, no."
"What do you mean, no? It's the most sensible thing. We’re already supposedly engaged. We're around each other all the time, anyway. I mean, for God's sake, you're having my baby. We'll be around each other even more if anything, and it makes sense. We should just get married," I blathered on.
There was this part of me that was so excited. And the more I went on, the more excited I got. A baby, with Reagan. We had created this other living thing, together—evidence of our love for one another. But none of those words came out. Instead, I rambled on about how this would be best for everybody involved, including Wolfie, and on and on. All the while, Reagan just turned paler until she finally stopped me.
"Adam, absolutely not!" she said she rose up from the couch. "I'm not going to be a part of your warped sense of responsibility. I get what you're trying to do, I guess it's honorable, but we don't live in that era anymore. We don't need to be married to take care of this baby together. We don't need to be together at all. And I'm not going to marry you just because I'm having our baby. I'm sorry, I just want more than that for both of us. If we get married because of this baby, you'll just grow to resent me or the child, and I won't have it."
"Do you really think that little of me, Reagan? Come on, you see me with Wolfie. I love that kid, and I love the baby, and for God's sake, I love you. Isn't that reason enough to be together?"
Shaking her head, my words only seemed to add to her panic. "No, no, you don't mean that. You're just in shock. Clearly, you're saying whatever it is you think you need to say to get me to say yes."
"Why do you find it so hard to believe that I feel that way about you?"
"Do you know what? Maybe you believe that now, because you know I'm carrying our child, and that changes everything, right? But what happens when everything finally calms down? When we're just finally settled? And you realize you're over the idea of a relationship, that you were not really all that into before, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I don't think I could handle it if you just tossed me aside. I know you feel like you would never do that right at this moment, but you have to admit, you have been under extreme circumstances the last several weeks. That makes people do strange things, like get married several times, and I clearly have no business being in a relationship."
"Reagan, I'm not your mother. If I was anything like your mother, then I would have been in one relationship after another. But in the time since you've known me, I have never been in a serious relationship."
"Exactly. So, why the hell would you want to start now? With me, of all people?"
I moved closer to her, unable to help myself. Her vulnerability was shining brightly in her eyes, and as I moved toward her, wanting to pull her to me, she backed away.
"I know you think that it'll be different for us, but every time I look at it pragmatically, it just doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense."
"Reagan—"
"No, no, I don't—I just need to be by myself for a while," she said, rushing past me, snatching up her bag.
I struggled to think of words to get her to stay, to believe me when I told her I loved her. So, I reverted back to our old pattern of picking at each other. "Ah, come on, Miles, don't run away just because you're scared. I'm scared, too. I've been terrified this whole time, but I'm pushing ahead because loving you is worth it."
She stopped momentarily at the door, her back still to me, and then, I heard her utter the words, "You don't really mean that. I know you think you do, but you can't really mean that. You’re just saying that because of the baby."
“You’ve got to be kidding me - denial doesn’t look good on you,” I tried to tease but it just came out desperate.
She just shook her head and before I could respond, she was out the door.
Chapter eighteen
Reagan
Tears flowed down my cheeks the whole way home. I sat miserably in the backseat as I headed back to my apartment, replaying Adam's sort-of proposal. Once inside my apartment, I paced the floor, not knowing what to do with myself. I felt like my life was falling apart, and I had no clue how to move forward, paralyzed by heartbreak.
The cat was out of the bag with Adam, so maybe it would be safe to tell my best friends. I needed to talk to somebody.
I dialed Lucy, but it rang and rang and went to voicemail. It just showed how out of my mind I was that I unthinkingly FaceTimed Amy. Amy was always a comfort, but I didn't think twice about hitting the FaceTime button or who might also still be there with her. When she answered, I just started unloading on her, telling her about the baby, walking out on Adam, and about the proposal.
Amy sat there, her expression shocked and then concerned. When I finally took a breath, she smiled at me kindly. "First of all, Reagan, I know you're freaked out, but there's a baby in there, and that's wonderful. When you calm down, I know you'll be excited, too. Secondly, I didn't get a chance to tell you before you started talking about it—but I'm not alone here," she said sheepishly.
The screen moved over, and my father's face appeared, his brow furrowed, looking worried.
"Is it true, Reagan? Are you about to make me a grandfather?"
