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I follow him inside because he’s right, it’s freezing now that I’m not actively exercising. My skin feels numb from the cold. It’s late February and Georgia is still hanging onto winter. Some years we get spring weather early, but apparently not this year.
Thinking of the weather draws me to thoughts of Juliette. Is she cuddling Murphy tonight? Or did she brave the cold to go to the bingo night I saw advertised on the community's Facebook page?
Yes, I got an insipid account to keep up with community events–mainly so that I’d know which ones Juliette would want to go to. My name is fake and I have no profile information but I still feel like I betrayed my morals. I’d do anything to see Juliette smile … not that it matters now since I screwed everything up.
Grayson and Levi agree to come over when Maverick calls. It’s Saturday, so Grayson and Maverick are usually off, while Levi’s schedule can vary. It’s surprising that he can make it and warms my heart a little that he would come just to talk to me during his free time. While we wait Mav turns on ESPN. He could have left the TV off though because all I can focus on is that moment. When Juliette put her arms around me my first instinct was to hold her tight and never let go, but then doubt wormed its way in and forced me to push her away.
Against all odds, I’ve started to trust her, even with her mysterious past. But I still don’t think I’m right for her. She’s like a cup of cinnamon tea, capable of warming the most frigid of hearts. The kind of woman you build a life around. Meanwhile, I’m the guy so emotionally unavailable my own family won’t come to me when they’re hurting.
I’m jerked out of my thoughts and my chair by Grayson yanking me into a hug. He pats me on the back like he’s trying to dislodge something before stepping back and meeting my eyes.
“I’m here for you. Whatever you need, I’ll be it.”
You’re not her.The thought cuts like a switchblade, sharp with an element of surprise. Needing Juliette isn’t something I thought I allowed myself to do, but apparently my heart hasn’t given me the choice. Because even surrounded by the love of my brothers, my flesh and blood, I still just want her. The desire has created a kind of pain that lives deep in me, tangled up in my muscles and nerve endings so that every step I takeburnsbecause it’s not in her direction.
The toll of this week starts to outweigh my desire to keep my emotions hidden. Maybe if I say something, they’ll help me figure out how to fix this.
“I don’t know if I deserve Juliette,” I blurt out. A hush falls over the room.
“You probably don’t,” Levi says and Maverick smacks him on the back of the head. “What? We all met her. She’s definitely too good for him.”
“That’s not helpful,” Maverick says with a glare.
“Why do you think that?” Grayson asks, ignoring them.
I scrub my hands over my face and fall back into the chair again.
“Because I don’t know how to do relationships. I gave up after getting burned too many times in the CIA. I’ve already messed up with her several times, which only proves that I’m not ready for this.”
“After you messed up the first time you talked to us, what did you do?”
I sigh and look at Grayson. “I apologized.”
“And what did she do?”
“Accepted my apology.” I shake my head. “But that’s not the point. I shouldn’thaveto apologize. She deserves someone who won’t fail.”
“So she’s doomed to be alone forever,” Grayson states before taking a seat on the couch. He rests his elbows on his knees and waits for me to respond.
“You know what I meant. She needs someone who she doesn’t have to teach.”
“Do you think that you won’t have to teach her things as well? Relationships are about growing and changing. Becoming better together. You both have things to learn, things to give.” He looks at Levi, then Maverick, then back at me. “Do you remember three years ago?”
My whole body tenses up. Three years ago Grayson had his first panic attack–well, his first one in front of me. We were in his backyard just us. He was fine one minute and then the next it was like he stopped functioning. His chest was heaving, his eyes were wide with shock and he couldn’t speak to me. All he could do was grip the arms of the chair he was in. I ended up calling the paramedics because I couldn’t discern what was wrong with him.
But it turns out Grayson had been suffering from high-functioning anxiety for a while, but he kept it to himself. The paramedics stabilized him and then Grayson sat there, in his backyard at sunset, telling me how for the last year he’d dealt with panic attacks in private. I told him he had to get help, and I even went to his first few sessions with him, waiting in the quiet lobby for an hour a week until he was fine to go on his own. I also did some research for grounding techniques to use in case it happened around me again. As far as I know, he didn’t tell anyone else.
“I remember.” Emotion lodges in my throat, making my words come out rougher than usual.
“You took care of me. That’s what you do. Even when you struggle to put things into words, you still show up. You do that for all of us.” Levi and Maverick nod in agreement. “So you just have to learn how to verbalize the things you already put into action, that’s all.”
I suck in a deep breath then let it out. Maybe Grayson is right. He knows me better than anyone else, and he wouldn’t lie to me. So if he thinks I have something to offer, then maybe I do.
“You just have to be willing to take the first step,” Levi adds.
“Okay, let’s say I agree with you.” I pause, shaking my head at Grayson’s Cheshire grin. “I hurt her deeply. How do I get her to forgive me?”
“You need to do something that shows you’re sorry and that you know her,” Maverick says and Grayson nods, still wearing a smile.
