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Mario
Mybody’sreactionwasinstinctive at the sight of her tears. My toes were pointed in her direction, and my heels pushed me forward. With arms stretched wide and the need to take her pain away, I hurried to her side. Fresh tears attempted to wash away the stains of the ones that dried up on her puffed cheeks. And her body shook against me as I held her.
If there was anything I could do to never see her cry this way again I would do it. My heart fell with a thump to my feet as I held her tighter.
“It’s okay,” I said, rocking her as she unfolded herself in my arms, moving to hug me around the neck as I cradled her waist. “It’s okay,” I whispered again in her hair, stroking the messy strands and massaging her scalp with the pads of my fingers.
“No, it’s not,” she said, sputtering from her nose against my naked chest. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” She eased herself up to wipe the slabber away. “I’m such a mess. I’m so disgusting,” she started before I shushed her.
“It’s okay. I don’t mind,” I admitted. After being granted access to so many parts of her body and giving her access to mine, a bit of slabber didn’t bother me. She had as much of me in her as I had of her. At this point, we were bound.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, easing away so that I could look at her and wipe her tears away from her reddened eyes with my thumb.
She couldn’t bring herself to meet my eyes, so I held her face in my hands, searching her wandering green eyes until they focused on me. “What’s wrong, beautiful?” I asked again.
She opened her mouth to speak, and her lips trembled. I smoothed them with my thumb, wanting to kiss it better but not doing so. I’d rather hear her speak. Have her release the thoughts she had bottled up only to be surrendered when she thought she was on her own.
“Tell me,” I said, pressing my forehead against hers as my heart reached out its hands for hers.
“I’m scared,” she admitted in a rush.
“Scared?” I asked, as she moved away from me to lie down as if the admission was too heavy, and she didn’t want to keep talking. Refusing to move from the side of her bed, I stroked her legs, which she had pulled up underneath her. She watched me, and my hand stilled. “What are you scared of Tiffany?”
She swallowed, and her breathing grew shorter. “It’s okay,” I said. “You can tell me. You’re not going to scare me away.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she said, turning her eyes away from me.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, waiting.
She sighed and flipped onto her other side, clutching her pillow.
“Would you like me to leave?” I sighed in return, feeling as if I were invading her space and private time.
After a beat or two, she rose, running her hand through her hair, flopping her shoulders as fresh tears streamed down her face.
“No,” she said, taking my hand and resting her forehead up against the side of my shoulder. “That’s the problem. Everyone’s leaving me. Last night, I fell asleep with three men in my bed and woke up with no one. It’s just reinforcing the past few days. That one day, it seems as if I have everything and the next day, I have nothing. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m just scared to fall asleep and wake up to everything being pulled out from under my feet. I’m afraid that everything and everyone will leave my life until I’m homeless and lonely with nothing and no support.”
She began to hyperventilate.
“I’m afraid to want because if I want, then I’m setting myself up to lose what I want, who I want…” She paused as her words trailed off, and her eyes widened as if the disaster she was imagining in her head had morphed into this monster that was chasing her.
“It’s okay, baby. Breathe,” I said as my own breath shortened in response to hers. “Breathe,” I said, taking deep breaths myself, allowing our breaths to syncopate.
When our breaths were steady, I tilted her head up to look at me. “Look, no matter what happens, as long as it’s in my control and power, you’ll never be homeless…” I started, and she cut me off, shaking her head.
“You’ve done too much already,” she said. “You’re not obligated to take care of me. I don’t want to depend on you. One day, you may decide…”
“Never.” I silenced her. “Look at me, never. As long as you need me, I’ll be here. And you’re not depending on me, I’m offering you this as a token of my…” I gulped as awareness slapped me in the head and slammed into my chest at full speed.
Clearing my throat, I tried again. “I’ll never be able to do too much for you.”
An overwhelming need to confess consumed me. The words were right on the tip of my tongue. ‘I love you.’
My heart swelled so large, it could have burst in my chest as I looked at her. It wasn’t just three words I could say to make her feel better. They were three words I could say that would scare the living hell out of me because they were true. Damn, I loved her. I was in love with her.
Nerves crept up my back and played with the strings of my heart like an instrument. And my chest tightened. I was in love with Tiffany, and that held me still in shock. Nausea pulled at my stomach at the thought, not because there was anything wrong with loving this wonderful woman. Loving her meant more to me than ‘seeing where things could go with us.’ Loving her meant wanting to be with her, being able to envision a future with her, and there were a few problems with this.
Whenever I envisioned my future before her, it had me, the love of my life in a conventional marriage and having a child or two. But this dynamic was the furthest thing from conventional. And while I knew I cared for Tiffany since I wouldn’t have continued to sleep with her if I didn’t, with how our relationship was set up, thinking of the future was forbidden.
