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Maybe those men taught me how to be ‘men’ through their actions. Because men used, they got what they wanted, and they ran.
Gulping against the sickness rising in my stomach, the realization that I had become them, the type of men who I secretly resented, slammed into me. It was always my belief that I wasn’t like them. Lying to a woman to get into her pants wasn’t necessary. It was a cowardly and insecure way to do it. Being honest about what I was looking for always worked for me because the women mostly understood that it was nothing more than a transaction. Setting the cards down on the table from the get-go wasn’t as sinister as what they did, which was selling women false promises. But I was wrong.
Just because sex was transactional for me, it didn’t stop women from wanting more from a man they let inside their body. And the fact that they did made me resent them; they reminded me that I was hurting them just as those men hurt my mother. Even after I told them exactly what to expect. After I tried to make sure that I wouldn’t hurt them by telling them the truth. Resentment toward them burned like bile rising out of my stomach because it felt like in the end; they wanted to hurt themselves and make me the bad guy.
How sick was that? Of course, they expected someone they let inside their body to have some ounce of care for them. It wasn’t foolish of them to expect that. And if it were me who happened to develop feelings or feel guilt, it would terrify me. I was too afraid to offer more than I had to give. I didn’t want to offer commitment, which was essentially a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep. It wasn’t just with women either. Obviously, it affected my relationship with Chris too. As a best friend, I couldn’t stick to the fucking promise to respect him enough to not cross certain lines. It was just all about me, all about ‘Anthony’ getting whatever the fuck he wanted.
With Tiffany, everything I feared was being brought to the surface like all the gunk rising out of a clogged sink. At first, she felt safe enough to fuck despite the whole Chris situation; she knew what she was getting into. It was fun for all of us, and I didn’t think there would be any risks of feelings developing. I was wrong.
My attachment toward her was growing, and hers was growing toward me too. Her eyes told me earlier when I teased her for being jealous. Damn it. Running would make it easier for everyone. Crawford & Beam was already crumbling. Chris hated me. Tiffany didn’t, but I couldn’t sleep with her or look at her without thinking about how much our involvement with each other was destroying her relationships with the people she cared for. I wanted to disappear. It felt like it was the answer to everyone’s questions at the moment. Even the thought of disappearing from myself brought me relief because looking in the mirror only confused me now. The person looking back at me wasn’t someone I liked.
Taking care to remove my arm from her body, I flung my feet over the side of the bed. However, Tiffany ruined my smooth escape. She caught hold of my hand and tugged on it so that I stumbled back onto the mattress.
“Good morning, handsome.” She grinned, and her morning voice sent shockwaves through my body, stirring my groin. Fuck.
It would’ve been easy to turn around and forget all my misgivings of before, make my dick do all the talking for me, bury myself into her for some morning sex. But I needed to learn self-control. I needed to learn to put others before myself. Her, Chris…
Sitting up in the bed, I made to stand again, keeping my back toward her so she wouldn’t melt me with her gaze or her messy bedhead. Her hands weren’t ready to let me go though, and they moved from my back to my stomach. The warmth of her body serenaded me as she wrapped her arms around me. Fuck. She felt so fucking good. But this was so fucking bad. Damn, I was so obsessed with being bad; knowing it was only thrilled me more.
Her breath tickled my cheek and before I knew what was happening, she moved her hand from my waist to turn my head toward her. If her lips met mine now, I was a goner. My heartbeat was going crazy but at the very last minute, I got my first lesson in self-control, turning my head away so that her kiss landed on my cheek. That only made things the tiniest bit easier.
“I should be getting ready to go to work,” I said, all hoarse and shit before pulling myself from her embrace and jumping up from the bed, feeling embarrassed for the first time in my life. I was naked, and she was looking at me with both hunger and confusion. Grabbing my clothes and shoes from the floor, I hurried from the room.
On my way out the door, I caught a glimpse of a shimmer in her eye, and I wasn’t sure, but it seemed as if her eyes had grown wet with tears. Oh, fuck. My heart dropped, and there was a tug on my back, pulling me and trying to turn me back into the room to check on her, make sure she was okay. But fuck, if I didn’t leave this apartment right now, I’d never fucking leave. And leaving felt like the right thing to do. It felt safer than staying.
Fuck. I hurried from her apartment, feeling even lower and more lost than when I’d just woken up.
Chapter 10
Tiffany
ItwasincrediblehowI went from a crowded bed to an empty bed in the blink of an eye. It seemed as if I was exceptional at making people want nothing at all to do with me. Call me a fucking magician. Hey! That could be my next job, making people disappear since I was such a high achiever in that department. You know me, never mediocre at anything.
Loneliness hit first; the silence and the chill of the morning air tortured my skin without anyone to hold and keep me warm. The inability to escape from my crumbling life was what hit me next. Jumping out of bed to get ready for work wasn’t an option. No one wanted to be associated with me. My reputation was shot to hell because my mother painted me as a whore, and my father painted me as a victim. I was neither, but no one cared about that. No one actually cared about me. The public and my parents cared about perception. Chris and the guys only cared about themselves and their lousy friendship that couldn’t survive this.
Yesterday made me think differently about the guys. We came together, and they didn’t look at me like spoiled milk. They didn’t want to run for the hills. And I thought that despite everything breaking down around me, at least things were back to normal between my men and me. But this morning was trying to wake me up to the fact that nothing lasts forever, and no one else would ever have my back but me. I found no strength in that fact.
All I felt was emptiness, and all I heard was deafening silence, like nails on a chalkboard making my teeth rub against each other. My head felt like it was about to explode, and my chest was so tight, it could have burst open. All of that tension and pressure was building up inside me with nowhere to go, pushing pleading tears from my eyes and sweat from my skin as it found ways to seep out. Soon, the tiny pressure of tears became a raging flood bursting from my eyes and nose, pouring down my face in snot and salt water.
The pure force of unrestrained emotion shook my body until I was gasping for air. Loneliness felt like a punishment, completely undeserved with no escape from the torture. It didn’t seem fair; nothing I’d done seemed to justify me losing everything, but here I was, trying to figure out what the meaning of all this was. Because it had to mean something. Otherwise, it was cruel and harsh without reason. To be discarded as if I meant nothing to no one and who I was wasn’t valuable. Without a lesson at the end, without meaning, what was the point of suffering? What was the point of being hung out in the harsh, unforgiving sun, left to dry?
My body felt heavy, and so did my mind. Maybe the lesson was learning how to stand on my own two feet without needing the approval of anyone to keep my head up. And one day, when I was strong enough to learn that lesson, I was sure that I would, but today wasn’t that day. Today, I could sink into the softness of the mattress and beg for it to hold me, to be my only support as the coldness of the world quivered my teeth and rattled my bones. So, I fell sideways into the bed and cradled myself in the fetal position; any other movement felt impossible.
As if things hadn’t been bad enough, I knew that yesterday’s press conference was only pouring gasoline into an open flame. But my naivete thought that I would have the guys by my side to fight the battle with me. Because my parents wouldn’t back down, it was about to get even uglier, and I was on my own to fight it.
Yet, as cold and insensitive as my mother could be, my already shambled heart shattered even more at the thought that she would never smile with me again, and she would never look at me again with pride. Instead, she would only look at me now with the resentful looks she’d given Chris, looks that I never thought he deserved. Perhaps the way she’d look at me now would be even worse. And that thought heated my eyes and crushed my bones. My father would follow her lead because Val Levine scared everyone, especially Benedict Levine.
And Chris? The last time he looked at me in the bar, it was with disgust, shock, and pain. If I had done something to deserve this treatment, it would hurt sure, but I wouldn’t be this lost. But for nothing? I felt helpless, hopeless, and broken.
Being alone in this apartment allowed me to let everything go, and I lost awareness of how much I howled until the contrast of a voice burst through the bathroom door across the way from my bedroom.
“Tiffany? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Mario stood in the door frame for a few seconds as he stared at me wide eyed before he ran into my bedroom with his arms wide open. Almost choking on my tears in fright at the realization I wasn’t alone, I gasped and jumped to sit up straight, staring at him as if I were dreaming. My heart flipped over with a bit of hope, then clenched in fear of hoping. My shocked silence lasted all but one minute before I was a big mess of tears and ugly sobs. It was too late to save face now anyway, to pretend as if I weren’t crying, and that everything was completely fine. Right now, being strong didn’t matter to me.
I just wanted to be held.
Chapter 11
