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But Julia isn’t having it. “I want to be there for you.” Some of the sweetness fades from her voice and is replaced with a chilly cold. “I feel like this is just another chance for you to shut me out.”
I feel a pang of guilt as she says that. I know she’s right, but I also know that the last thing I need is for my father to wake up and see the woman that started our argument. I’d never say that she had anything to do with his heart attack, but I also can’t risk something like that happening again by having her here before Dad is even awake.
“That’s not what this is, Julia…” I pinch the bridge of my nose between my fingers. “We’ll talk later, okay?” I hope she can’t tell that I’m trying to end the conversation before I say something I regret.
“Fine,” Julia says, her voice strained. “But we’re going to talk about this, Seb. You can't keep shutting me out of your life like this, especially when you’re obviously suffering. Anyone would be in your situation.” She lowers her voice. “And we’ve gotten so close over the past few weeks….I thought things were going differently. Better.”
I don’t know what to say to that, but it hurts me to my core to hear her words. “‘I’ll call you when I have time to see you. I–” I exhale slowly, not knowing how to end this conversation without hurting her. All I do is hurt everyone I care for lately. “Thank you for calling, Julia. I’ve got to go now. Bye.”
“...Bye.”
I hang up the phone, feeling conflicted and overwhelmed. I don’t know how to make everyone happy. All I know is that I don’t want to lose anyone else. Looking over at my father, how pallid he is, and all the wires and tubes coming from him, makes my stomach turn and acid crawl up my throat. God, I don’t want to be here. I just want to be home, knowing that Dad is healthy and in his study catching up on the news of the day. Maybe Mom would be reading on the terrace, my brother in the garage tinkering with a car that he would be too young to drive, and my sister painting a scene she had been building in her head all day. But I can’t have that anymore, not ever. Just loneliness, just misery, and maybe if I’m lucky, my father for a few more years.
Whether I can have Julia, no matter how much I want her, no matter how much she makes me burn, is yet to be seen.
I adjust myself in the uncomfortable chair, the bars of it digging into my back and side, and close my eyes. Maybe I can sleep, even for a few minutes, and have a respite from the terrible things hanging over me. All I know right now is that I’m not leaving my dad’s side. I will be here when he wakes up.
* * *
“Seb, what happened? Why am I here?”
My father’s voice sounds like he’s speaking past a throat full of razor blades, as if the few words he manages to get out are the most painful he’s ever uttered. I snap out of my restless, borderline painful sleep and jump to my feet.
“Dad,” I breathe, voice shaking with emotion. “You’re awake.”
The hospital room is dimly lit, the only sound coming from the beeping machines and the occasional shuffle of footsteps outside. He doesn’t speak at first, waving his hand for a drink from the cup with a straw next to his bed, and I bring it down so he can drink what he needs. After a few mouthfuls of water, quenching his thirst and his dry mouth, Dad relaxes against his pillow and looks at me. He looks frail and weak, his skin pale and his breaths shallow, but he’s alert and still here with me. It’s a start, at least.
I reach over and take his rough hand in mine, and his skin is cold to the touch. “Dad, you suffered a heart failure,” I tell him softly, breaking the silence. “You’ve been at the hospital for a day now.”
He blinks slowly, trying to process what I’m telling him. “What happened?” he whispers hoarsely. “The last thing I remember was the two of us in my study, talking…” He frowns. “We were arguing, weren’t we?”
I take a deep breath, steeling myself for what I have to say. “I confronted you earlier,” I admit, feeling guilty. “I caused you stress, and it led to a heart attack. This is all my fault and I’m sorry. So, so sorry, Dad.”
My father’s eyes widen in surprise, and I can see the confusion etched on his face. “Why did we do that? What in the world could cause us to argue that angrily, considering everything we’ve lost as of late?”
I hesitate, unsure if I should tell him the truth. But I know I can't keep it from him any longer. He will remember soon enough on his own, anyway. “I was angry,” I admit, my voice trembling slightly. “Angry about Julia, and how you didn’t approve of her. Angry because you had been talking to Margaret before I arrived and because I knew she was plotting against me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I acted like a child…like a little boy, and look what happened…”
My father’s expression softens, and he reaches out to take my hand. “Son, stop. I’m sorry.” His voice was filled with regret, and underneath it, love. It kills me inside to hear how weak his voice is. “I didn’t mean to cause you pain. I just want what’s best for you, and what’s best for our legacy.”
I sigh. “Dad—”
“Seb, stop, let me speak.” He coughs, and when he finds his words again, Dad’s voice is weak, but it’s clear he has something important to say. “Sebastian,” he proceeds, turning his head to look at me fully. “If something happens to me, promise me you’ll take good care of the family estate, of the company, and of Karl.”
I feel my heart sink. I don’t want to think about losing my dad, but I can see the seriousness in his eyes. “Of course, Dad,” I reply, trying to keep my voice steady. “You know I’ll always be here for him.”
Dad nods, his expression softening. “Good. Karl’s been with us for a while now, and he’s always been loyal to the family. He deserves to be taken care of.”
For what feels like the hundredth time today, there is a lump in my throat that makes it hard for me to force words out. I swallow once, and then twice, before speaking past all the hurt inside of my chest. “Dad, you don’t have to worry about that. You’re going to live for many years to come.” I try to lighten my tone, and hopefully, the mood along with it. Even if any positive feelings will be entirely false on my part. “You’re going to see me get married and have kids, and we’re going to take all the hunting trips around the world that we've always talked about.”
My dad looks at me with a mixture of love and sadness in his eyes. “Son, I appreciate your optimism, but you don’t have to make promises you can’t keep. I know my time is limited, and I just want to make sure that both you and Karl are taken care of.”
I find myself nodding, even though I find his insistence on a point I’ve already agreed upon odd. “Like I said, Dad. I’ll take good care of him–”
“Like family.” He insists.
I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose again. “Yes, Dad, I swear. Like family.” Then, remembering earlier in the day, I chuckle softly. “You know, he was actually the first one to come and visit you today.”
Dad relaxes on his bed once more, head heavy on his pillow and a small smile on his dry lips. “Ah, good. I’m not surprised. He’s a good man. Like you, my son.” My dad gives me a pat on my hand and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Just like before, I tilt my head towards the ceiling and blink them away before they can be noticed. “Seb, I want you to know that I love you. You may not always make the right decisions, but I know you have a good heart. Promise me you’ll make things right if things go south here with me.”
