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I swallow hard and try to hold back the tears. They burn my eyes, and the grief of everything all at once is pounding in the back of my skull. “I will, Dad. I promise, I will.”
As I sit by my dad’s side, I realize how much he means to me. He’s the only family member I have left, and I can’t bear the thought of losing him. I apologize for all the stress I’ve caused him and tell him how much I care about him. The words just spill out of me like water, so quickly that I can’t even hear myself over the ringing in my ears and the blood rushing through my head from my elevated pulse. He listens, quietly, and never interrupts, not even speaking until I’ve said my piece. I’m grateful for that—I don’t know that I could have finished if he had stopped me.
Now, he looks at me, exhausted but otherwise steady and says, “I know, son. And I love you too. Thank you for being here with me. Just remember to make things right. I know you will, won’t you?”
His words feel like a set of heavy steel chains settling over my shoulders. I can hear the subtext in them, and the way he expects me to fix the Julia and Margaret situation before it spins out of control even more and taints the name of our family. The thing is, what he considers to be the right thing, and what I do, have two vastly different outcomes.
But tonight he’s here, in this hospital bed, fighting for his life, and there is no way in hell I will be arguing with him, or even denying him the promise that he seems to need to be able to rest. So I just take his hand in mine once more, letting him pat the top of my knuckles absentmindedly.
“I’ll make everything right again, Dad.” My father grips my hand with surprising strength, and I add, “I promise I will.”
20
Julia
Standingin front of my apartment door, adjusting my backpack on my shoulder, I try to call Sebastian one more time before going to class. My fingers tremble as I grip my phone tightly, waiting for Sebastian to answer. I don’t really expect him to answer, not after the hours of radio silence, but there is still a little seed of hope in me that makes me call him over and over again. I really thought we had something beyond special, and with it, a future together…
Each passing second feels like an eternity, and with each ring, that little hopeful piece of me starts to fade away. When his voicemail greeting plays, a wave of sadness rolls over me. What if something terrible happened? What if he’s hurt or in trouble? I try calling him again, but the same result, straight to voicemail. Just like I knew it would.
Gabi and a few other girls are waiting for me on campus, but when she gets a good look at my face, she waves the other girls away so we can have some privacy, for which I am grateful. As Gabi and I walk towards our first lecture of the day, it’s impossible not to feel the unending stress of everything that’s been happening in my life recently. Even as I have that thought, another one follows right on its heels–how selfish does that make me, when the things going on in Sebastian’s life are so much worse than my problems?
I glance over at Gabi, and she gives me a knowing look. “You look terrible. Gorgeous, of course, but terrible. Do you want to talk?”
I inhale slowly. It’s been a few days since Sebastian’s dad had heart failure, and even though he’s out of the hospital now, I haven’t heard from Sebastian since the day it happened.
“Gabi, I’m worried about Sebastian,” I finally fess out, breaking down and telling my friend the truth. I’m sure she would have guessed it eventually, anyway. “I haven't heard from him since his dad got out of the hospital, and I don't know what’s going on with him.”
Gabi looks at me sympathetically. “What do you think is going on?”
“I don’t know…” There is so much I could tell her, that I want to tell her, but I can’t just spill all my secrets and most private thoughts all at once. “Last time we spoke, he was in the hospital with his dad. But now, he won’t return my calls or texts. I’m starting to think that maybe something’s wrong.”
Gabi nods thoughtfully. It’s a gorgeous day, and the morning sunshine makes her look so young and beautiful…but most of all, she looks carefree. I miss feeling like that.
“Maybe he’s just dealing with a lot right now,” she suggests. “I’m sure he’ll get back to you soon.”
“I hope so.” I bite my bottom lip, trying to keep the worry out of my voice. “I just feel like something’s not right. Sebastian hasn’t exactly been the best about communicating, but over the past few weeks before his dad had the emergency things have been different. He’s been sweet and available. Easy to talk to. But now it feels like right after the explosion when he was shutting me out and refusing any sort of comfort.”
As we continue walking, I explain to Gabi what happened with Sebastian’s dad, and how he had heart failure and was in the hospital for a few days. I tell her how Sebastian was really stressed out and worried about his dad, and how he seemed to be distant when we spoke on the phone.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I say, sighing. “I feel like I should be there for him, but he’s not letting me in.”
Gabi puts a comforting hand on my arm. “Men are a mystery at the best of times, and it sounds like Sebastian is going through some stuff that you and I can’t even imagine. Just give him all the time and space he needs right now, and when he comes back around you two can have a talk about how pulling away like this isn’t something you want from your long term partner.”
Her words bring me a modicum of comfort. It’s nice to hear her speak like the idea of Sebastian and I staying together long term is a given, and not something that is still up in the air.
“Thanks, Gabi,” I tell her honestly as we arrive at the lecture hall. “I guess all I can do is wait it out.”
Once inside the vast classroom, I find myself trying to push my worries to the back of my mind. I know that Gabi is right, but it’s hard not to let my anxiety get the best of me. I just want to be there for Sebastian and support him through whatever he’s going through. Who in the world can go through losing their family and then a health crisis with the last remaining member of said family, all so close together? He might look okay on the outside, but I’m almost sure he’s falling apart on the inside.
And then, there are the things he and I have been dancing around for weeks now. Our relationship. A future and a life together. Where does all of that fit into the chaos of his life? It might be me thinking a little too highly of myself, but I’m almost positive that if I was his wife, that I could make things easier to bear for Sebastian. He just has to let me in.
As Gabi and I settle into our seats, it’s impossible not to feel distracted, my mind racing with all the different possibilities of what could be happening with Sebastian. I try to focus on the lecture, but my attention keeps wandering, and I find myself checking my phone every few minutes. The uncertainty gnaws at me, making it impossible to concentrate. Maybe I should have just taken another sick day.
Hours drag by, and my phone remains stubbornly silent as I move through the campus, attending class after class. Really, there are two scenarios that could be playing out right now. Either he’s so swamped with all the things going on with his business and his father that he has no time or mental space for me, or he’s deliberately ignoring me because he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. That thought sends a shiver down my spine.
Then there is the instinct that I have, which keeps popping up again and again, telling me that my mother must have something to do with this. A split between Sebastian and I is all she wants right now.
Just as I am about to give up hope, my phone vibrates in my hand where I’m holding it inside my backpack, not wanting to miss a single alert. I hastily excuse myself from class to answer it, almost tearing up in relief when it’s Sebastian’s voice that comes over the line. He’s finally called! He didn’t simply answer my attempts at contact, he reached out to me first.
