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“Now, tell me why you’re here,” he says comfortingly. “Although, I think I may already have an idea.”
“I’m looking for Dan,” I admit, steadying myself. “He hasn’t spoken to me in over a week, and I even went to his townhouse today and he wasn’t there. I’m just so worried and… and I miss him.”
Jack nods knowingly. “Yes, he hasn’t been easy for us to get a hold of, either. Last time we spoke he was very down, and when we spoke it was clearly related to your, ah… well, let’s call it your emotional unavailability.”
I wince, but he’s not wrong. “That’s fair. But I want to make it up to him, and it’s impossible when he’s been radio silent like this for so long.”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning of whatever started this little tiff between the two of you, and then I can better guide you on how to deal with my son.”
With nothing left to lose at this point, I pour out my heart to Jack, telling him how concerned I am about Dan and our relationship. I tell him about all the times I’ve tried to reach out to him, and how I feel like I’m being pushed away again and again. Jack listens patiently, his eyes never leaving mine. When I’m finished, he takes a deep breath and speaks.
“Elise, I know how much you care about Dan, and I know how much he cares about you. But right now, he needs some space. He's going through a lot, and he needs time to process everything. But I promise you, he still loves you. He’s just trying to figure out how to handle everything that's going on.”
Jack’s words bring me some comfort, but I still can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. I know that I just have to be patient, give Dan the space he needs, and trust that everything will work out in the end. But I have already waited a lot and patience is running thin.
“Jack,” I say, my voice shaking slightly. “I need to know where Dan is. I need to talk to him. It’s really important and I have waited over a week already.”
Jack looks up from his tea cup, his eyes meeting mine. I can see the kindness in his face, and how much Dan resembles him, but also the firmness in his expression, and I know that he's not going to sugarcoat anything for me. “Elise,” he starts firmly. “I don’t know where Dan is, but I can find him. Before I do, though, I have to ask what your intentions are when you find him.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.
“I mean, it seems like you’re playing with his feelings, even if you don’t realize it. You’re not fully committed to this relationship, and it’s hurting him. If you care for my son, truly, then you need to be all in. 200% in. Otherwise, you need to leave him alone.”
I feel tears starting to prick at the corners of my eyes, and I know that Jack is right. I do love Dan. More than anything. And I need to tell him that. “I love your son,” I say, finally fessing up. “And I need to tell him that.”
At first, he seems taken aback, but after a moment, Jack nods and I see the softness in his gaze. “I know that you do,” he says. "I think everyone around you two knows you are both crazy for each other, but it’s just taken you longer to come around and admit it. I also know that he loves you as well. But you need to show him how you feel in no uncertain terms. You hurt him, so now you need to be there for him.”
“I need him to unblock my number,” I say, my voice trembling. “I need to talk to him. I have to. We’re supposed to have this hunting trip with my Dad this coming Monday and if he doesn’t come then everyone is going to know how badly I messed this all up…”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Jack assures me. “And I’ll also let him know about the hunting trip next Monday. I know that's important to him since he mentioned it to me, and I think it would be good for both of you to spend some time together.”
I nod, sniffling my tears back. “Thank you, Jack. Thank you for everything.”
And with that, I turn and leave the living room, feeling like I have a glimmer of hope for the first time in what feels like forever. Walking out to the waiting car, the sun is just beginning to set, and I think the O’Brian’s home might be the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, at least for now. Maybe I feel that way because this is the closest I’ve been to Dan in what feels like forever.
34
Dan
Bookingtime at Fort Beemster was a way for me to try to escape from the chaos of my life and leave my problems back in Amsterdam. But while my muscles are relaxing and my body is beginning to unwind, my mind is no less stressed than before.
Fort Beemster is a luxurious wellness spa resort, nestled in the rolling hills of the picturesque Dutch countryside. The spa is renowned for its thermal waters, rich in minerals, and known for their therapeutic properties. Surrounded by lush gardens and tall trees, the resort exudes a sense of tranquility and serenity, and I would do basically anything at this point to be able to absorb said serenity. Instead, I’m a loose-limbed, tight-minded ball of anxiety floating in the hot springs, getting nothing that I need out of this stupid getaway.
I should just go home, I think, closing my eyes and dipping my head beneath the water.
With my luck, it figures I would find myself at a wellness spa, more torn up than ever. I came here hoping to relieve some stress and find some solace, but it seems that my treacherous brain has other plans.
I can feel the tension leave my body as I try to sink deeper into the water, but I am plagued by thoughts of my Elise and the fight that we had, Elise and Johan, and Elise lying to me about everything that weekend he stayed at her family home. I keep replaying the days before in my head, trying to figure out where things went wrong, and what I could have done differently. I feel like I’m in a constant state of turmoil, and I just can't seem to shake it.
I know that I should be taking advantage of this opportunity to relax, let go of my worries, and be fully present in the moment. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to escape the endless stream of thoughts that are consuming me.
I feel frustrated and helpless, as I struggle to find a way out of this spiral of stress and anxiety. I long to have a resolution with my girlfriend, to figure out what's going on with our relationship, and to find a way to move forward. More than anything, I want to be holding her, smelling her sweet scent, and tasting her smooth skin, but every time I imagine such things, I see Johan’s damned face.
I am acutely aware of the gap between where I am and where I want to be, and it only adds to my sense of frustration and disappointment.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… not when Elise is always on my mind. I’ve tried everything at this point––drinking, exercising till I was too sore to move, and smoking myself into a cloud of oblivion, but nothing ever fixes my long-term issues.
All of this makes me undeniably bitter. I love Fort Beemster, and the indulgence of it all, and having it tainted, makes me annoyed. This is supposed to be a gift to myself, so why do I keep getting in my own way? Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and just talk to Elise… it’s not like anything else has worked thus far.
