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Today I’ve taken the day off, thinking that a little self-care would do me good, but I'm too jittery to relax. I considered going to the spa for the day or maybe even calling Tati to join me, but the nerves about Dan not answering are too much for me to handle right now. Not even a deep tissue massage or a soak in the mineral springs will help all the uncertainty hanging over me like a dark cloud.
So, I sit here in my pajamas, watching the usual rain on a summer day come down and feeling like my world is collapsing in on itself.
With nothing else to keep me occupied, my thoughts wander back to all the wonderful times I shared with Dan. Every memory seems so vivid and real, like it happened just yesterday. I can still feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and the sand between my toes as we lay on the beach in Capri, completely carefree and blissful. We were so caught up in each other, nothing could come between us. Now, back home, it feels like literally everything is trying to keep us apart…no small part of that separation caused by my less than stellar decision making. Was it even worth getting Johan’s help if it means not having Dan anymore? Sure, he was integral in persuading Mom to talk to her prosecutor friend, and without him, we wouldn’t be on the path we are now, but for me… well, I’m more miserable than ever.
Dan feels a million miles away, even when I know his home is only down the road a few miles. Mentally and physically, it seems like he’s so far from me. The thought of it breaks my heart and tears at my soul. The idea that something could break us so easily after all we’ve been through is devastating.
I close my eyes and try to hold onto the memories, trying to remember the way he looked on that beach, covered in sand and sunshine. I try to remember the way his eyes lit up when he laughed, and the way he whispered sweet nothings in my ear. I cling to these memories, hoping that they can somehow bridge the distance between us. But no matter how hard I try, the memories seem to slip through my fingers like sand, leaving me feeling lost and alone.
I open my eyes and look out the window, watching as the rain beats against the glass. It's a fitting reflection of my mood, gray and gloomy. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. All I know is that I miss Dan terribly, and I’ll do anything to get him back.
Then, I hear a text alert.
My heart races with excitement, thinking it’s finally Dan. I rush to grab my phone, feeling hopeful and nervous at the same time. My mind races with all the possibilities of what he might say––maybe he's finally realized how much he misses me, or maybe he's planning a surprise visit. It's been an awful two weeks without him, and I've been constantly checking my phone, hoping to see his name pop up.
As I unlock my phone and glance at the notification, I can feel my heart sinking. It’s just a text from my dad. While also unexpected, considering how mean he had been to me after the prosecutor dropped the charges, I can’t help but feel disappointed and frustrated. I’ve been waiting for days to hear from Dan, and now I have to deal with the reality that he still hasn’t reached out to me. The silence has been weighing heavily on me, and now it feels like the pain of it is only getting worse.
I take a deep breath, reminding myself that I can’t force anyone to talk to me. Once I'm grounded, I read Dad’s message.
Dad:Are you and Dan still up for the hunting trip next Monday?
I read the message a second time, anxiety spiking. Normally, the thought of the hunt would fill me with excitement, but not today. The hunting trip has been something I’ve been looking forward to for days now, ever since my dad first mentioned it, but at this point, it just means I’m going to have to admit to myself that Dan really isn’t going to join us.
With Dan not speaking to me, I'm not sure how I will even confirm his attendance or absence. I recall all the details of the quick day trip and the memories I had looked forward to making. The early mornings spent in the blind, waiting for the mallards to take flight, the smell of the damp earth and the sound of the birds overhead, the thrill of the hunt, and most of all, the time spent with my dad and Dan, talking, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. Now… what is there? An awkward morning and afternoon with my Dad who basically hates me at this point? No thanks.
But… I still don't want to disappoint my dad, no matter how bad he has made me feel lately. He has been looking forward to this trip too, but the thought of attending without Dan is unbearable. So, feeling trapped in this hunt one way or the other, I type out a quick response, hoping that my voice sounds steady and confident:Yes, count me in.
Dad must be having the same thoughts I am, because he responds almost instantly:And Dan?
I hesitate, the cursor blinking on the screen as I think about it. I type up an honest answer, telling my father that Dan and I are arguing, and erase it three different times before giving up. I simply don’t want to face the reality that Dan might not be attending, so I take a deep breath and type,Yes, we will be both there.
But even as I send the message, I know that I’m only putting off the inevitable. The truth is, I don't know if Dan will join us on the trip or not. All I can do is hope and pray that he’ll come around, that way we can work through this issue and be a couple again.
My father seems happy, at least, texting me all the details about the trip. It’s the most he’s spoken to me in almost a week now, and that makes me feel a little bitter. Knowing Dad as I do, it’s a way for him to let me know we are on good terms, despite our last argument.
I’m tired of waiting for Dan, though. I’ve tried to call him countless times, but every time I dial his number, it just goes straight to voicemail. I have even tried calling my brother daily, hoping he could give me some kind of update, but he just told me that Dan didn’t want to talk about me, and there was nothing else he could do. I feel like I'm hitting a wall with every attempt to reach Dan, and my patience is starting to wear thin. I have to go to his townhouse, even if uninvited.
Decision made, I don’t spend a ton of time on my appearance, just braiding my hair back and putting on some tinted gloss and mascara in the back of the car as the driver takes me there, my pulse racing. It’s time to be a woman of action and not just wait on Dan to decide that he wants something to do with me.
When I arrive, I ring the doorbell, hoping to see him standing there with a smile on his face, ready to listen to what I have to say. But instead, the maid answers the door, telling me that Dan isn’t there. She even invites me in to check for myself, but I decline, knowing that it would be pointless.
“Well,” I say, more to myself than the maid who is still standing in the open door, looking bewildered. “Hell, what do I do now?”
“Mr. O’Brian does spend a lot of time at his parent’s estate,” the maid points out. Considering all the times I’ve stormed into Dan’s home, demanding to see him, I guess it’s not surprising that she’d be so quick to tell me where he might be. It’s not like I’ve taken no for an answer before.
Feeling defeated, I go back to my car and instruct the driver to go to the O’Brian family home. I've always felt comfortable there, surrounded by all the memories of my time spent with Dan and his family, but going there on my own to chase Dan down like some sort of fugitive is different. What if he’s told his parents about the things going on between us and they hate me now? The idea of it makes me queasy. His family is so loving and accepting… how is this the first time I’ve considered their feelings?
I make a promise to myself to be respectful, no matter what their reaction to my arrival is, but when I arrive, I'm met with the same response that I received back at his townhouse. The butler tells me that Dan isn't here either, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere.
Desperate, and hoping to make this trip all the way to his parents’ not be in vain, I quickly parse through my thoughts for a way to make some progress even without Dan here. Then, an idea hits me.
I ask to speak to Jack, Dan’s father. I know that he’s always been a strong advocate for our relationship, even when Dan wasn’t so sure himself, and I’m hoping he can shed some light on what's going on with his son’s disappearance from my life. The butler acquiesces with a nod of his head before leaving me to pace back and forth in the foyer, trying to calm my nerves as I wait for Jack.
When he finally appears, wiping oil off his hands with a white cloth, I can tell from the look on his face that he knows exactly why I’m here. He greets me warmly and leads me to one of the comfortable living rooms, where we sit down to talk.
“You look rattled, dear,” he tells me, pushing his glasses up onto the top of his head as he observes me. “And a little pale. When’s the last time you’ve eaten?”
I think back to the bowl of fruit and yogurt from this morning, and my stomach growls audibly. I’m embarrassed, but Jack just chuckles, speaking to the butler, who soon returns with tea and a plate of biscuits, which I happily partake in. It isn’t the aromatic floral tea that his son prefers, but a rich black tea, already sweetened.
