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I pondered that cryptic scolding in complete confusion until I had no choice but to get in the car and face the disappointment coming from both my sister and my boyfriend.
I watched the trees pass by the window as we drove through the cemetery and tried to let go of some of the anger and pain in my heart. I just didn’t know how.
I didn’t know how to move on and act like everything was okay.
Frankly, I didn’t fucking want to. I didn’t want to feel better, I didn’t want to heal and move on because I didn’t want to ever forget the way my life had been with Blaine inside of it.
So I was going to curse, and scream, and shake my fists at the sky when the weight of it overwhelmed me. Because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
I never would be.
Chapter 15 – Delilah
Past
Mybrotherhadbeenburied in the ground for six days now.
Six days into a long line of days without him ahead.
“What are you thinking about?” Fox asked from where he laid back on the blanket next to me.
He surprised me at lunchtime, showing up with a picnic packed and whisked me away to the hills.
I looked over at him and took a deep breath. He looked amazing in his black jeans and white tee, both tight and form fitting. His shaggy dark hair was tucked behind his ear and his stubble had grown out into a short beard.
Subtle changes had started happening to him in the last few days. I wanted to bring it up and ask him about, but I was also afraid of the answers he’d give me.
He had been gone more often, leaving me alone for longer periods of time. Just like the night before Blaine’s funeral when he didn’t come to my bed until four am. Last night he didn’t come home at all. I tried to be patient and understanding, giving him grace and time to figure out his life without his best friend. But in the span of a week, I’d lost my brother, and now I was losing my boyfriend.
He was quieter lately, choosing to simply watch me over conversating. It was almost like he was trying to memorize me and simply forgot to speak while he did it.
“You.” I replied bravely and picked at a stray blade of grass along the edge of the blanket.
He looked away and stared back out over the hillside, “Don’t waste your time giving me the luxury of being on your mind.”
There it was again.
Another subtle change to him that he maybe thought I wouldn’t pick up on, but it was impossible to ignore paired with so many other ones.
I looked back down at the grass and kept my mouth shut, afraid if I vocalized my fears out loud, he’d confirm them.
“I think you should go spend some time at your aunt’s house with Maddie.” He said after a while. “I think maybe we should-,” He paused, “Take a break for a second.”
I whipped my head around to look at him as my heartrate picked up in my chest. But he just kept staring out over the hillside like he hadn’t just told me he wanted me to go away. I looked back out over the grass as my heart ached in my chest.
Every single night since the first time we slept together, he came to my room and held me all night long after making sweet love to me.
Except last night.
Now he was telling me to go across the continental US to my aunt’s house for a few weeks because he wanted to take a break. Maddie was going for three weeks to get away from it all before school started again and I didn’t blame her. That didn’t mean that I wanted to go though.
“Delilah.” Fox said my name, but I could hardly hear it over the echo of my brother’s voice swirling around inside of my head.
“He shows up here, only when I’m not around, uses you and moves on before the morning light. That doesn’t sound like a relationship.”
“It won’t last. He doesn’t stick with one girl for long. Not in the four years I’ve known him.”
“Fox will never be the come home at night to the white picket fence home kind of man. And that’s the kind of man that you deserve, not someone like us.”
