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My brother’s warning from the night he died flashed through my mind like a breaking news banner on the bottom of the TV.
I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t want to believe that Fox could use me like that. I wanted all his whispered secrets and longings to be true. I wanted the part that he didn’t show to anyone else to be real.
“Delilah.” He said again more firmly, and I looked over at him. My mouth hung open and I closed it before rapidly blinking to clear the thoughts racing through my head. “Did you hear me?”
“I want to go home.” I whispered and stood up off the blanket, brushing grass and dirt from my jeans as I slid my sneakers back on.
“Just like that?” He sat up and watched me. “I want to talk to you about this. Help you understand it.”
“Please take me home.” I said, picking up the wrappers from the takeout lunch he brought for us, tossing them back into the grocery bag.
“Stop.” He put his hands over mine as I hurried to pick it all up. “Wait, just a second, D.”
“Take me home.” I snapped and then bit my tongue to keep from saying anything else.
He sighed and watched me as I stared at the ground. “No. Not until we talk about this.”
“Fine.” I said and stood up, “I’ll make my own way back home.”
I walked away from him towards the dirt parking lot where a few other cars lingered. “Damnit, D!” He yelled from behind me, and I heard his heavy boots running to catch up with me seconds before his hand wrapped around my arm and pulled me to a stop. “Would you just take a second and think about it? I think it’s best.”
“He was right!” I screamed directly into his face. I had never yelled at Fox before, I hardly yelled at anyone period, let alone the man that captivated me from the first moment we met.
“Who was right?” He asked quietly, like he was taken aback by it all.
“My brother.” I ripped my arm out of his hand and put a few feet of space between us. “He said you wouldn’t stick around for long.” I swallowed down the bile that rose in my throat as pain shot through my heart. “He said you weren’t the kind of man to come home to the white picket fence life, and he was right even though you told me that was what you wanted.” I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my stomach, trying to ward off the pain and nausea. “And I yelled at him and told him he was wrong. I walked out the front door in anger and it was the last time I ever saw him.” He stared at me in horror as I unraveled. “And here we are, two weeks later and he was fucking right.” I hissed in pain.
“I just-.” He started and stopped, like he wanted to explain and make it all better but decided not to. “I’m not.” He said quietly, looking out over my head to the hillside. “I’m not a settling down kind of guy. I need variety, I guess.”
I nodded and felt the tears that had been pooling in my lashes spill over onto my cheeks. “Got it.” I was numb, and distraught at the same time.
“I’m sorry.” He said gently, swallowing down his own emotions.
“Don’t be.” I laughed bitterly, “Because deep down we both know you’re not.”
I turned and walked away from him. I pulled up the ride share app on my phone and ordered a car to meet me at the pull off down the hill. I needed to use the time to walk and calm down or I’d get into a stranger’s car and have a breakdown in the middle of nowhere.
He told me the first time we had sex that if I let him have me, I was his forever.
But he lied.
I kept waiting to hear his motorcycle start up and imagined that he would chase me down and tell me he was sorry and that he was wrong. That he didn’t want to break up, maybe he even needed me as badly as I needed him.
But he never came.
He let me walk away.
“Where’s Fox?” Maddie asked the next morning as she grabbed her duffle bag off the floor, “I never heard him come in last night.”
I shook my head, swallowing down the scream I wanted to set free. “Club stuff.” I shrugged, “You know how it goes.”
She smiled sadly, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” She looked over her shoulder to where Aunt Suzie’s rental car was idling in the driveway, waiting to take them to the airport to go to Kansas.
I knew if she knew something was up with me, she wouldn’t go. And that wasn’t fair to her because she needed to get away from all the sadness and grief in these four walls. “I’m fine,” I smiled at her, mustering up the strength to make it look real. “I’ll miss you, but it’s only three weeks. I want you to go, have fun, and take a break.”
“If you’re sure.” She said as Aunt Suzie beeped her horn, “Coming!” She yelled out the front door and turned back to me.
I walked forward and grabbed my baby sister in my arms and hugged her like it was the last time I was going to see her.
