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Rolling over, I listen to Daddy sing our song and feel him rubbing my head. I don’t even remember falling asleep.
* * *
This is one of the only memories I have left of Dad. I don’t remember what he looks like, but I remember all that happened so vividly. I refuse to let this memory fade.
Switching up the song to some upbeat song I heard on the radio, I sing as I walk into the house and open up all the windows to let some fresh air in. Mother never wants them open, though in all the years I can remember, I have never known why.
Heading to the living room, I stop and turn on the radio so I can listen to music while doing things around the house. As much as I want to not do anything, I know if it looks like I did nothing, Mother will just abuse me again. Cranking up the current song, I head downstairs to finish out the rest of the laundry. Switching over the loads that are currently going, I fold the whites and head back upstairs and put them where they are supposed to go.
Sighing, I head back downstairs.
GRUMBLE.
Well, I guess that tells me what I should do next. Trying to figure out what to eat, I remember there was some meat I set out for tacos for tomorrow to thaw. Telling myself to have them tonight, I grab the meat and throw it in some hot water to thaw it faster. Turning the burner on to medium-high heat, I let it get warm while the meat is thawing just to have it ready.
Grabbing some lettuce, tomatoes, and the cheese block, I get to prepping them for the tacos. I chop the lettuce up into salad pieces for a salad tomorrow and then I take some pieces and chop them into smaller shredded pieces for the tacos. I hate tomatoes, but I still make myself eat them. It’s what ketchup is made out of, right? So I cut the tomato in half, put one half up in the fridge, and cube up the other half and then grate the cheese block.
Finally grabbing the meat and throwing it in the pan, I cook in the seasoning and let it simmer for a bit. After everything is ready to eat, I throw it all together in a bowl.
God, I haven’t eaten anything truly solid in what feels like years.
Honestly, I can’t even remember the last thing I ate that wasn’t something simple like peanut butter and jelly or crackers and cheese.
The first bite is heaven. The flavor explosion in my mouth is out of this world. It’s almost too much. I take a breath and take another bite, and then another until it’s all gone. Once I’m done, I head upstairs to take a very nice, relaxing hot bath. I never get to take baths, so to be able to take one now is a blessing. The wounds have healed enough now that I think a bath will feel nice. Thinking about this reminds me of that night and what that doctor gave to me.
Curious now, I head to my room and check the secret spot. Grabbing the pill bottle, I see that it says it’s hydrocodone. It says take one pill every six hours for pain. I don’t think the doctor realized that I’ve had worse, and what Mom did was numbing.
Yeah, I’m in a lot of pain. Yes, I could take these, and it would be helpful. Yet I won’t. Mom is an alcoholic, and addiction is hard to overcome. I refuse to possibly put myself in that situation.
I walk to the bathroom and turn on the hot water to fill the tub. Once it’s about two-thirds of the way full, I turn it off. Undressing the rest of the way, I slowly lower myself into the warmest thing I have felt in years.
Relaxing in the tub, I take count of all the bruises. Most are starting to turn yellow and purple, but the one on my wrist is the worst. I wish Luca had never seen it. I just have this unnerving feeling that he won’t let it go, and Ineedhim to. My life might depend on it.
Deciding it’s time to get out because I’m getting pruney and the water is turning cold, I grab the towel and cover myself up. After pulling the drain in the tub, I head toward my room and grab some clothes and put them on.
God, being able to take my time and just be is so freeing. Is this how it will be when I can finally escape?
Lying down in bed and grabbing a book, I just relax for the rest of the night and find myself actually able to pleasure read. A few hours later, and at the end of the book, it’s ten o’clock and I’m yawning. Putting the book down on the floor, I pull the blanket up and roll over, closing my eyes in the process.
CHAPTER16
KADE
Getting to school late,we get into class right as the bell rings. We all take our seats, but I notice that Paisley’s seat is empty. Now, I don’t know her very well. It’s only been a couple of days. But I get this feeling from her that she wouldn’t miss class on purpose.
Listening to the teacher, I notice that we are going to start readingToxinby Robin Cook. They are passing out copies of the book, and I see how big the book is and internally panic. This is going to take me forever to read by myself. I groan while pulling my hands over my face.
What am I going to do?
I know I can ask the guys to help me, but they have their own shit to do, and I don’t want to be a burden on them any more than I already am.
Grabbing the book from the teacher, I open it and try to read the first page and break into a sweat. I can’t even get through the first paragraph without trouble. Now that I know without a doubt I’m going to struggle, I’m going into a full-blown panic attack.
I’m drowning underwater, gasping for air that isn’t there. I want to claw at my neck to open a hole to let air in, but I know that won’t help at all. That’smyproblem with panic attacks. I’m there, but not there. I’m experiencing the attacks physically, but I’m still mentally able to understand what is going on, even though I can’t change the outcome.
“Mr. Thames, my brother is having a panic attack. May I please take him to the nurse to get his medicine? If he doesn’t get it soon, he will have to go to the hospital, as he will pass out,” I hear.
It sounds so far away, even though I can see Atlas right beside me.
